trainers are lying assholes

This morning, at the gym I frequent (and “frequent” as in: the last few weeks…though we’ve had a membership since…forever), they had this little table set up all, “Check your body fat, FREE!”

Now, I know I’m not like, all buff…but I have this fascination with stuff like that…I WANT TO KNOW…even if it’s bad…at least I’ll know.

I saw said body fat table on my way out…and in my brain I was all, “I want to try that…I really want to try that…” though in reality I just kept on walking…all the way to my car…kicking myself all, “Why didn’t you stop? It’s going to bother you ALL DAMN DAY if you don’t do it…IT’S FREE…DO. IT.”

So, I put my wipe-off-the-sweat towel inside my car, pretending as if THAT WAS THE REASON I had to go to my car in the first place, and then walked right back inside to the table.

Well, I more like sauntered around NEAR the table until the guy sitting behind it was all, “You know you wanna try it!”

Externally, I acted semi-interested all, I guess…I mean, since it’s here…

On the inside? That went something like, “I DO! I DO! ME FIRST! OUT OF THE WAY, BITCH! I WAS HERE FIRST!”

So, body-fat-checker-dude stands up…and I see he was all of 5’5…totally short…and made me step on a scale IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTIRE GYM with all my clothes on…sweats, shoes, a weight vest, and a 5 pound bag of sugar, just for good measure.

The sign said body fat checker…not WEIGH YOURSELF FOR ALL TO SEE.

False advertising.

Asshole.

THEN he adds an ENTIRE POUND to my weight as he enters it into this little body fat contraption thing.

Here…I even found a picture of what he was using:

As he was manipulating the real data inputting information, I asked him how accurate it was…and he goes, “99.9%”

MY ASS.

MY FUCKING FAT ASS.

I’m not a fitness guru, but I know enough. And I know that the only method that is THAT accurate, save slicing off all your fat and weighing it, is hydrostatic weighing…and after some additional research on the little contraption…I learned that before it will even calculate, it asks you to rate yourself on your activity level and you *can* put it in athlete mode…

And I’ll bet he set that damn thing at zero…as in, you don’t do shit.

Asshole.

So, I stand there, gripping the thing with two hands – holding it straight out in front of me as instructed – while it works its magic. Once body-fat-checker-thing completes its calculations, numbers pop up everywhere and I see that it puts me in the “normal” body fat range.

As in: You’re not swimming in lard.

Then, asshole dude glances over, sees that it’s finished calculating and yanks it away before I can figure out what all the numbers mean.

In my brain, I’m all, “Wait! Wait! I didn’t get to see all the numbers!”

He sets the thing face down on the table and goes, “You know, you need to be at 19%” and then looks me over with this expression like, “You are absolutely disgusting. How do you even MANAGE to get by without people leering at you and asking if you eat lard for breakfast…or if they can borrow some fat for insulation…”

Asshole.

First, Mr. Short Dude with a Napoleon Complex: You input my “body” weight PLUS all my clothes, sweat and shoes. So, that “contraption” had the WRONG WEIGHT INFORMATION to the tune of like, SEVEN POUNDS…NOT TO MENTION THE EXTRA ONE YOU TACKED ON FOR GOOD MEASURE.

Asshole.

Second: The contraption said I WASN’T OBESE – but apparently, to you, Mr. Short Dude with a Napoleon Complex, to qualify as “not a fat ass,” one must be at 19% body fat…which is only 0.5% HIGHER than the top end of the unhealthy range for body fat (18.5% for those who are math challenged, like me. You’re welcome)…and this figure is according to like, nutritionists and stuff…people WHO DON’T LIE.

Asshole.

Then he gives me his card all, “When are you coming back to the gym?”

(me in my brain): Whenever assholes aren’t swarming around.

(Short Dude with a Napoleon Complex is henceforth to be known as SDWANC)

(And I realize that SDWANC kind of looks like “swank.” He is not swank. He is an ASSHOLE. Just so we’re clear)

SDWANC: “Tomorrow? When? Friday? When??”

Me: Depends on my schedule.

(in my brain: like I said, asshole…when YOU AREN’T HERE).

SDWANC: “Just ask for me. We can do a free session so you can see what it’s like to really workout.”

After that little remark, I gave him a curt little smile and turned heel.

Then I farted.

It was the next best thing…my plan B…the option that wouldn’t get me like, banned from the only gym for miles or arrested…though, come to think of it, there are gyms in prison.

Anyway, what I wanted to do…plan A…was hurl his short self against the wall, holding him up, feet dangling off the floor, his neck sandwiched between the wall and my hand like you see in those Kung Fu movies…all, “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET BEATEN UP BY A FAT ASS WHO DOESN’T WORKOUT?! HUH? HUH?!”

Asshole.

You can bet I took his card and burned it when I got home.

Homage to the asshole.

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35 Responses to “trainers are lying assholes”


  1. 1 Stephanie October 15, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    What an asshat! I’d have been pissed!

  2. 2 Jenera October 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    i think all men that are short make it their life mission to be an ass to the rest of us.

  3. 3 Sarah October 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    They don’t pull that kind of crap at my gym. Probably because all of the trainers are a bit overweight themselves. Like you can tell they used to be really buff, but now they have lots of insulation over muscle…

  4. 4 thebakerbee October 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I like that Stephanie called him an asshat… asshat is used way to little in my opinion. Seriously, though… asshat trainers should be put in their place. Farting on them is pretty close.

  5. 5 Barista October 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Fucking hate gym trainers. They’re so hard up for work and make so little money splitting it with the company that they just try to make you feel bad. I’ve been suckered into signing up MANY times…all because they make me hate myself and how could I not want a REAL workout when I hate myself so much!?

  6. 6 Cyndi October 15, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Sounds like the Scientology version of a personal trainer. The contraption even looks like an e-meter! I wonder if reading him OT III would make his head explode.

  7. 7 Anne Dewvall October 15, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    wow, what an excellent salesman and human being.

  8. 8 Lori October 15, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    I’m just thoroughly impressed you were at a gym. I haven’t seen one of those places in decades, forgot what they look like inside. I tip my hat to you and your very normal, very healthly body fat range.

  9. 9 Jaime October 15, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Farting is always a good Plan B.

  10. 10 fattiefatterton October 15, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Booshy, you make me laugh. I love how when you write, it’s like we’re right there with you. That, my friend, is a gift.

    He is a jerk- not sure if that is really him or if it’s who the gym makes him be. I know my trainer (who is awesome) gets a lot of pressure from the gym management to sell sell sell. Luckily, she takes it all with a grain of salt and never pressures me – which, funnily enough, makes me want to do more for her, i.e. buy more from her to help her.

  11. 11 fattiefatterton October 15, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Yeah, I don’t know why I called you Booshy, either. Sorry lady!!

  12. 12 finn644 October 15, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    farting on command, impressive

    and yet another reason why I hate going to gyms

  13. 13 PottyMouthMommy October 15, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    you read that as similar to swank… all i saw was ‘WANK’… as in wank-ER…

    like, as in DICK… wow… I would slammed his short little ass into the ground like a tent peg!! arg!!

  14. 14 Shannon October 15, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I almost choked on my noodle soup over here laughing so hard. If you lived by me I would take you out for a drink. But you don’t drink so you can come with and watch me drink and you can tell stories. But I’ll sit on the opposite side of the table in case you don’t like me and try farting. Sooo something I would have done. Admitting it is even better. What an asshole

  15. 15 Linnnn October 15, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    And then I farted.

    The ultimate punctuation. I am in awe.

  16. 16 choosingtowin October 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    That is the funniest blog I have ever read in my life. I can’t stop laughing. I just shared it with my daughter and my son. I literally laughed so hard I farted 🙂

  17. 17 GroundSquirrel October 15, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I bet he has a really small penis, too.

  18. 18 Spot October 15, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    This is pretty much the reason I stay away from any and all gyms, trainers, people who judge other people based on body shape and even the little BMI chart in my doctors office. My doctor is like a twig and I keep waiting for him to say “well if you lost some weight…” so I can shove a twinkie in his face. But I think he might be scared of me because he’s never even mentioned my weight. And really, I don’t even eat twinkies.

    But I do think you are amazingly brave/a little bit crazy/and ambitious to have even approached the table. And farted. Because really that had the same effect as plan A. Either way you left him gasping for air, right? Way to go girl!

    ♥Spot

  19. 19 Angelia October 15, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    One time, a personal trainer made my friend CRY. She was CRYING they put the hard sell on her so bad.
    Next time you see that shrimp, tell him you just paid another trainer a grand to work you out at home. Suck on them apples!

  20. 20 LB @Wait, She Said What? October 15, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    That contraption would have worked better as a weapon to beat him over the head with, instead of whatever the hell it was supposed to ‘calculate’ with false information. I agree with the other person, I bet sciontologists invented that thing.

  21. 21 justrun October 15, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Those little machines are crap. Our INSURANCE company used them one year to determine our health. B.S.

  22. 22 Stone Fox October 15, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    oh booshy, i so love you. i am so glad you farted at eye level for that jackass.

    if you see him in the gym again and he starts hassling you, maybe you should remind him that you really don’t need to be at 19% to kick him in the balls.

  23. 23 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 16, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Well, if it’s any consolation, I visited my sister’s gym on a free day pass and didn’t get solicited by any trainers even once…kind of like I had a huge neon sign spread across my more-than-generous derriere saying, “Don’t waste your time with this one.” Jerks.
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  24. 24 ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ October 16, 2009 at 6:01 am

    Ha! They used that thing at CURVES when I went there a while back.

    Yeah, I changed from there to the Y, because I like to work out when I’m working out, not socializing.

  25. 25 ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ October 16, 2009 at 6:02 am

    P.S. The Fart is priceless! I’m gonna have to try that one!

  26. 26 Alice in Wonderland October 16, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Laughed so hard at this that I almost peed myself! I’ve had the same sort ot thing happen to me with these little jumped-up nobodies, and I am hardly 7 stones! Where he could actually find any fat on me, is a mystery in itself!
    I would just have told him where to shove the damn thing!

  27. 27 Miss Cherry Red October 16, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Holy Christ you’re funny!

    If you lived in the UK and anywhere near me I would buy you a large mojito and/or any drink of your choice – this made me laugh so hard at work I actually snorted.

    Not quite farting but still!

    I tip my hat to you

    xx

  28. 28 Erin October 16, 2009 at 11:46 am

    He probably thinks you farted because of your terribly unhealthy eating habits. 😀

  29. 29 merrilymarylee October 16, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Yeah, I did one of those things at Curves once. Depressed me so much I immediately went next door to Chick-Fila and had a milkshake.

    Before photo ID’s, driver’s licenses used to have weight printed on them. Were that the case today, I’d give up driving first.

    Farting was the appropriate response.

  30. 30 AmyAnne October 16, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    They are lying assholes. I’m right there with you. If I drank one of their protein shakes every damn time they told me to I’d be 200lbs by now. They want us to feel fat so we keep coming back. F-that.

    True story. I used take this spin class that was held in a very tiny room. The bikes were inches from each other and they closed the doors for class because the music was so loud. They also turned off the lights. Which is precisely when everyone would start farting. Just this one class. I always wished I could remember to bring a lighter. It would have blown the whole place up.

  31. 31 mark price October 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Jessica, This post stinks, oh wait no the post is good it’s all the farting that is stinkin up the joint. I counted 14 references to the fart. That has to be a blog record. Simply amazing. Bravo! Oh yeah I just farted. 15 now.

  32. 35 Sparkle November 30, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    I just went through a BAD experience with a trainer (who is all of 5 feet too). Honestly, he was good at his job…but started to put the pressure on me when I wouldn’t sign up for extra sessions. Hey, I’m not exactly made of money – when I mentioned money, he would make it seem like I’m making excuses. He would compare me to other people and tell me I’m not motivated and I don’t work hard. I had to take a 3 week break due to a cyst – and today he had the nerve to tell me that I didn’t know what pain was. He proceeded to tell me that pain is when you have a wound or surgery and that I complain for no reason. ummmm…. cyst=wound.. and may still need surgery.. how is that an excuse on my part? Basically he drove me insane during this last one hour and I’m still recovering! He still owes me one session as I missed one without the appropriate notice, but I just told him that was my mistake, and don’t bother. I feel like I have more self-worth than to be talked down to by some asshole. So when I got home I googled “trainers are assholes” and came across this post! Excellent post! By the way, I have been known to go to the gym 5 days a week without being bullied into it – hmmm.. if that’s not motivation, not sure what is?


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