kids? how about an ostrich instead? or maybe a penguin.

As of late, a conversation has continued to surface…mixing itself into random topics like what shade Lexi’s poo was…more often than I would deem sane.

What is it, you ask? What cannot seem to keep itself at bay for longer than like…thirty seconds?

It revolves around procreation.

You know, kids.

Yes.

Babies.

Are we going to have them? How many? When? How? Should we? WHEN?

And I don’t have a fucking clue.

Kids terrify me.

No, having my own terrify me. I’m fine with babysitting…or watching other kids romp around the heels of their parents…cause I get to go home to silence…where our “kids” can sit in their crate.

I can’t put a baby in a crate.  I mean, unless I want to be labeled the unfit-mother-psycho-woman-who-locks-her-kids-in-a crate.

And just so you know, I’m totally clear on the what-is-appropriate-for-a-crate-and-what-is-not.

On top of all that, the whole “being pregnant” thing…I don’t want to end up with stretch marks or a flappy stomach or other pieces parts not “working” like they used to…

I want my body to BE THE SAME after those hellacious nine months…and from what research I’ve gathered…

NOT HAPPENING.

Plus…ummm I’d like to be successful…you know, like, career-wise. Will a child hinder or help that?

Hell if I know. It’d make for some interesting, disgusting, why-the-hell-would-you-share-that? stories…that’s for damn sure.

I know. I’m whining. It’s totally selfish…probably immature…

But I cannot even keep a PLANT ALIVE.

How am I supposed to handle an INFANT?

And I freak out now if when I gain 5 pounds…and you expect me to be ok with TWENTY-FIVE?….THIRTY?…

Oh, hell no. Tim is going to have to force feed me.

I KNOW…it’s the “baby” and “the uterus” and “the fluids” and “whatever” ….

It’s just not computing in my brain.

And, after reviewing my crazy rant, I think I just answered my own question:

Having kids…right now…BAD IDEA.

Problem is, I LOVE all the crafty-cutty-pastey stuff where you get to make cupcakes with faces or little drawings for the fridge or go fun places like the park to look at leaves and feed the ducks…I LOVE playing with kids and watching them discover new things and that look on their face the first time they figure something out on their own…it absolutely makes me melt.

That kind of love is the same kind of love like I LOVE chocolate and diamonds and new things…like purses…

And I don’t think Tim is going to tolerate my coloring on his lunch box and cutting his sandwich into shapes much longer.

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30 Responses to “kids? how about an ostrich instead? or maybe a penguin.”


  1. 1 Jess October 14, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I feel the exact same way. Scary thing is…we are trying to get pregnant right now. I go back and forth everyday on my decision to get off BC a few months ago. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% ready, I’m too indecisive and selfish. I do know that when we were pregnant before (miscarriage) it was the coolest thing & I loved it for the short time we had it.

    • 2 Jessica October 14, 2009 at 7:33 pm

      Jess (so weird typing my own name…): At least…you know it was happy once it happened – hold on to that!! 🙂 If you loved it once, I’m sure you will again.

      Daphne: I KNOW…many people have told me that…though working in a museum never came up…I fear my patience level with kids ALL day…but it does solve my problem…and Tim’s embarassment.

      eatingmachine: Can you find one with twins? I’ll take one. We’ll share. 🙂

      Lori: SERIOUSLY? It’s too bad you can’t breasfeed just, you know, as a workout. And 38?! Wow! I am impressed.

      Jaime: Amen, sistah. Me too (we’re working on year 3 right now…)

      Breeza: I know…I just look at how tiring two dogs are…and I know kids will multiply that by like, a billion.

      mark price: You know…I was going to make fun of you, getting inspired by a 6 year old…then I remembered I was too, once…with their sheer willingness to give freely and without hesitation…so, I decided if I took a cheap shot, I’d be hitting myself in th face, and that wouldn’t be very nice of me.

      vigorousanonymity: First, thanks for stopping by, yourself! Good to see you! Second…really? Will something really just “switch” in my brain?…

      ohsweetsara: I completely forgot about chores!…and I can blame them for any random farts that accidently “slip out.”

      “Seattle” Heather: Good luck with your surgery…by the way…though it looks like you’re good and ready! And, thanks for coming by today – Awesome to see you!

      Mindy: I want to believe you…and I will…though I am still scared out of my mind. I’m sure it will all make sense once “it” happens…but right now it’s just this HUGE unknown…and it terrifies me.

      GroundSquirrel: I have that same fear…and I’ll have DFACS knocking on my door all, WHERE’S THE KID IN THE CRATE??!? And then I’ll lead them to Lexi, our lab…all, “this one?…or the one in the closet?”…..

      Sarah: I’m thinking you may need to take that honeymoon…no matter HOW late 🙂

      Shannon: You DID take a unique path to having a child – and from the looks of it, do an awesome job. I do hope I’ll know…I really do.

      theirishpirate: ME TOO! I feel like I’m like, getting left out of some special club…even in the blogging realm. Mommy blogger?? Uhhh…do fur-kids count?

      Angelia: Girl, all I want to say to you is: Can we PLEASE discuss this new avatar?…SO many ways I can go with that…but for now I’ll just say that makes me laugh EVERY TIME I see it…without fail (and, I love those names! Screw boys…and I’d like twins too – get it all over with in one shot…no pun intended…well, maybe a little).

      Anne: Can I come play, too? For my own little test run and all?

      willowbatel: That is a really good point. I forget what I learning experience a child is…huge, I know…I just won’t know how huge until it happens.

  2. 3 Daphne October 14, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Jess, when you said this:

    “Problem is, I LOVE all the crafty-cutty-pastey stuff where you get to make cupcakes with faces or little drawings for the fridge or go fun places like the park to look at leaves and feed the ducks…I LOVE playing with kids and watching them discover new things and that look on their face the first time they figure something out on their own…it absolutely makes me melt.”

    … all I could picture is that perhaps you would make a wonderful teacher or babysitter/nanny or children’s museum employee… something where you get to work with kids. This way, you don’t have to worry about whether the kids are yours or not. You can also “test it out” so that when you’re ready, it will be obvious.

  3. 4 eatingmachine October 14, 2009 at 11:11 am

    cribs are remarkably crate like.

    i always just watch the babies at church. one day, i’m going to find a cute one and a tired mom and give her 20 bucks. no stretch marks, no labor.

  4. 5 Lori October 14, 2009 at 11:24 am

    I will tell you that I too felt the same way as you do for all the same reasons. Having a child changed my mind completely. Now having said that, I will also say it makes life harder of course, and there are days I look back upon being kid free with nostalgia. But honestly, I wouldn’t trade it for the world and every single day gets better. Just an FYI, I actually lost weight and ended up being two sizes smaller after having my child (breast feeding burns over a 1,000 calories a day). AND during the past four years since I had my daughter I have gotten two promotions, so the career thing was never compromised (if you are down with daycare). I don’t think anyone is truly “ready” for children, but they are. And aren’t, but are, but are… Just thought I would share my results since I felt the same way and had the same reservations as you. (P.S, I had my first baby at 38!)

  5. 6 Jaime October 14, 2009 at 11:49 am

    I’m not ready for kids right this second either, but I know I definitely want them in about two years. I’m a newlywed and would seriously like to get some mileage out of my marriage bed before the kids come along.

  6. 7 Breeza October 14, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    I’m so not ready for kids and may never be. Although I love them, the first word that comes to mind is exhausted. It is hard work having kids and I don’t know that I want to do it.

  7. 8 mark price October 14, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    I can’t have babies but my wife did and it has been quite a journey. (mostly good stuff) Anyone though who doesn’t think little ones are cool should read Danica’s post today. Weird I have been inspired by a 6 yr. old.

  8. 9 vigorousanonymity October 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Something tells me you’re not ready! LOL. Hard to tell I guess.

    I was the same way. I really thought I’d be childless. And then one day WHAM! the light went on and all my hormones shifted and the only thing I could things was MUST.HAVE.CHILD. It was literally that quick.

    I can’t say that’ll happen to you, but I know if you’re in the place you’re in right now, you aren’t there yet. Enjoy being childless a while longer. It doesn’t suck.

    Hey, thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment today.

  9. 10 ohsweetsara October 14, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Most people aren’t (mentally) prepared to have a child until they’re growing one in their belly (or in a man’s case, one growing in a woman’s belly). There is nothing wrong with waiting until you feel more comfortable with the idea of motherhood.

    However there are a few pros to having a kid:

    You get more sympathy when you call in to work because your child is sick.

    When they are old enough, you never have to do house work again. You can just pawn it off on your kid. You just give them a quarter, call it chores and go watch TV as they make a “super fun game” of seeing how many lines they can make in the carpet with the vacuum.

    You get to fill them up with sugar before sending them off to grandma’s house and laugh as you think about what ways they are torturing her. Payback for that time she embarrassed you in front of the boy you liked at the store by discussing the pros and cons of tampon brands and how to keep track of your cycle.

    Kids are totally great!

  10. 11 "Seattle" Heather October 14, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Your thoughts are not immature or selfish and you have every right to express how you feel. It’s good that you know how you feel because having kids changes everything.

    I’m going in for my Tubal ligation surgery on October 28th. Hellooooo Freedom!

  11. 12 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 14, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    You know what’s funny? I was scared to have my own babies because I absolutely despised babysitting anyone else’s kids. I thought…I can barely stand to be around these kids for 2 hours…how am I going to handle being around my own kids 24/7? Well, it’s different. That’s how. Now, slight disclaimer here, there are definitely some days where I Do DESPISE being around my own kids 24/7 but I figure that just goes along with the territory. Don’t fret. You’ll know when and if you’re ready…the idea of kids takes over your entire thought process. The fear is still usually present but the doubt is replaced by a feeling of need. It’s weird. =)
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  12. 13 GroundSquirrel October 14, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    I know exactly how you feel, because I go back and forth between wanting kids and not wanting them and flipping my shit out about them. (BTW: Putting them in a crate is a problem only if they can tell someone you did it, so you either have to stop when they become verbal or make sure they never learn to speak.)

    And I just horrified a whole bunch of people who can’t tell when I’m going over the top with something.

    Good luck with the decision.

  13. 14 Sarah October 14, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    I always wanted to be a mom – don’t get me wrong, the craziness of kid-stuff did scare the crap out of me (although probably my husband was more scared than I was) when we were first married. But by the time we got serious about having one…it didn’t quite come that easily. Now, I’m wishing we had had a honeymoon baby – screw being “ready”. Of course, it’s easier to say that after the fact :). And I guess that would have required an actual honeymoon….

  14. 15 Shannon October 14, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    I’m with you on the whole body changing thing. the best part about angelena being adopted is just that. It is sooo different when they are your own. Especially when they are sleeping. It makes up for the shitty parts you may have through out the days. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but I do love going to the craft store and finding dumb things to put together with her. And there is an excuse to go watch Disney movies at the theater. It is a tough decision though. Unfortunately it wasn’t a decision I made but we made it work and I don’t know it any other way. You’ll know when you are aready.

  15. 16 theirishpirate October 14, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I know how you feel. I have several friends who have kids and absolutely love it, but I’d be terrified of screwing them up somehow. Interestingly, I get asked fairly frequently if I have children and part of me always feels weird saying no, like I should I have gotten on with it already or something? You’ll know when you’re ready – if you’re ready. 🙂

  16. 17 Angelia October 14, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    I hate to break it to you….but as you get older your body is gonna change AND then the effects of pregnancy won’t seem THAT bad.

    I had my daughter at 22. Jason has two little ones now and I really WANT twins. I’d have to have in-vitro since I don’t have tubes anymore. (Still convincing Jason) Seriously though, I already have names, Jaleigh and Jade. 🙂 Oh, whoops promised hime ONE would be a boy (part of the convincing). Maybe triplets then, I’m set on two MORE girls (I have names people). He can name the boy. LOL.

  17. 18 Anne Dewvall October 14, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    This is why I am THRILLED my sister is pregnant. All the fun crafts with none of the stretch marks. Yet. It’s like taking a test drive ; )

  18. 19 willowbatel October 14, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    If you need help keeping your plant alive you can always ask me. Babies… not my area of expertise. But I will say that I don’t think you can ever be truly prepared for having kids. You learn as much from them as they learn from you.

  19. 20 Peggy Nolan October 14, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Jessica,

    I haven’t read through everyone’s responses yet, but let me just say: Get over yourself and procreate! The practice is so much fun! Hec, I can’t procreate anymore, but I love the practice!

    First off: I gained 45 pounds with both my pregnancies. Yup. I went from a svelt 115 to 1 freaking 60 pounds. Lost all the weight FAST. Like within 3 weeks with Baby Number One (my Jessica…you know, the daughter who was supposed to be getting married this weekend…to give ME more grandbabies!) and within 6 weeks of Baby Number Two (the daughter who is NOT getting married but is home for the wedding that isn’t to be…)

    My youngest stepdaughter gained 13 pounds during her ENTIRE pregnancy and still gave birth to 8 1/2 pound Olivia (bitch, we hate her…13 pounds? what’s up with that? The chicka left the hospital in size 5 jeans…UGH!)

    Besides, I need someone who’s going to craft with me for an entire YEAR while my husband deploys to some mid-eastern country…might as well be YOU! I have to finish scrap booking my wedding album…it’s only been three years…

  20. 21 Belle October 14, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    You’e not supposed to put kids in crates? Shoot. And I’ve been getting paid to babysit?

    I’m SO excited to hear you even talk about the possibility of kids. I vote that you procreate. Tonight.

  21. 22 peedee October 14, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    ok, I’ve only skimmed the responses, so if I repeat whats been said, too bad. 😉

    Just do it. It will be the MOST crazy, insane, what the fuck did I do BEST thing you ever did. Ever.

    Honestly, I lost the manual they gave me when she was born and my kid is so normal its crazy. I can screw some shit up believe me, I dont know how she turned out so good.

    Im not religious, but talking about her makes me think there is a higher being. This kid is like my favorite ice cream on a hot day or getting an A on that paper I worked so hard on or validation that I’m not such a screw up. She is my best friend and has been since the day she was born. The best part…its reciprocal.

    You love Tim so much it hurts sometimes right?? Just wait, a child is love thats undescribable.

    This has to be the cheesiest response I’ve ever written, but having a kid makes you do shit like this. Its crazy. Unexplainable. I dont know how else to put it.

    Just do it and soon. There is no “right” time. Your never ready because you have no idea what its like ’till you do it. You wont regret it. I promise.

  22. 23 atheistsoup October 14, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    You sound like you’d make a good auntie 🙂

  23. 24 Alice in Wonderland October 15, 2009 at 7:09 am

    No one ever feels ready to have a baby, but then one comes along, and everything changes! There is no right time…these things just happen! You just need to change your life a little bit and make sure that everyone fits in around each other!

  24. 25 beth aka confusedhomemaker October 15, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Reality is there it’s a wide chasm between testing out other people’s kids & your own. You can leave other people’s kids, send them home, or walk away. Your own you can’t, they are part of you. There are no real test drives with people, only cars.

    I’m terrible with indoor plants, have a career, hate my stretch marks, & there are moments my kids still terrify me, all 4 of them. I am terrified that I’ll screw them up. It’s natural to worry about these people, our kids, who are in our care. It makes us wonderfully human. Because at the same time I wouldn’t trade a moment of getting to know them & helping them become the people they are meant to be. They are amazing people.

    Is it crazy some days? Yes.

    Are they worth everything I’ve been through or will go through? Hell Yes. I’d do it again in an instance, no questions asked.

    I can’t answer whether or not you’re ready to have kids. But I can say what your fears are totally normal.

  25. 26 Spot October 15, 2009 at 11:47 am

    I’d go with unplanned pregnancies like I did because well, then you really don’t have to make a conscious decision. It’s just thrust upon you and there you go. But three in three years is a little much so you might want to space them out a little better which throws the whole “unplanned” part. So???

    I loved being pregnant, loved having babies, still love it. I’d probably have ten kids by now if my hubby hadn’t been all like 3 is enough and we’re poor and all that whiny shit and had his babymaker fixed (or broken depending on how you look at it).

    Like everyone says…it’s different when it’s yours. But if you have one and decide you don’t want it can I have it? Because I’m really jonesing for a baby right now and my kids won’t give me any grandkids because they’re all we’re only teenagers and we have stuff to do and you’re kind of crazy so we wouldn’t let you watch our kids anyway. Rude, right? Because I mean they turned out okay.

    ♥Spot

    PS- johnny jump ups and baby swings are kind of like crates and my kids spent ALOT of time in those! Just saying…

  26. 27 bevchen October 15, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    I love kids but I’m absolutley terrified of new born babies. I’m like “if I touch it it might break!” No idea how I’m going to cope when it’s my own baby and I HAVE to hold it cos nobody else is there to do it for me :-/

    I still want a baby before I’m 30 though… which will be in 4 years time. It’s looking incredibly unlikely right now…

  27. 28 morethananelectrician October 15, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Babies are tough. We had three. You can put them in a crate. They will survive. They are tough. Social Services might have some issues with it, but maybe try a laundry basket. When CNN gets their hands on the story, it doesn’t sound as bad.

  28. 29 essentiallyrose October 15, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    You are so lucky to even be able to mull this over ahead of time. Some people get pregnant by accident. They are hurled into it whether they like it or not, unless they choose to have an abortion, which comes with baggage of it’s own.
    Also, some people know that they can’t have kids. It’s not even an option for them to decide whether or not they would like to carry a child. So, consider it a gift that you have. Choice. And if you want to let nature decide, stop using birth control and try to use the “rhythm” method, lol.

  29. 30 rebeccaclaire October 17, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    I totally feel that way about pregnancy. The kid part, meh. They’re cute, but stinky and loud and when do you get to start having coherent thoughts again? But at least you have a cute kid to do fun stuff with, right? But pregnancy? It makes me think of Alien with that little parasite growing in you. EW! Then you don’t just have it rip out through your stomach and leave you bleeding to death on the floor of the spaceship. NO! It comes out a WAY WORSE way! Just thinking about it makes my lady parts hurt.


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