i’m a wife? what the hell? since when?

I actually thought way back when Tim and I got married…I’d FEEL married…right from start.

You know, like, all hitched and stuff. Married couple. The “wife.”


Didn’t happen.

In fact, it has taken me TWO YEARS to finally stop looking at people like they have a slimy, green snot booger clinging to the side of their face when they say “Mrs.” or lump me into the “married” category.


Tim seemed to understand the whole 1 + 1 = 1 mentality a lot faster than me.

Which, is weird, cause he’s like, a math person…and that kind of math doesn’t make any sense…in fact, it completely goes against his years and years of beating really hard equations into his brain.

And to me, anything past like, multiplication, is hard…cause sometimes I can’t even get simple addition right. In my defense, the miscalculations only happen when I have to do it in my brain without any paper OR a calculator…which is totally unfair. Now, the shit he did I don’t even try to understand…all these “pretend” numbers for a scenario that might or might not happen where the answer is infinity raised to the twelfth power.

What the hell? When is that ever relevant?

Exactly. It’s not.

So…we’re not going to waste any more time on shit that can only occur in a scenario that is only possible inside a black hole when moving five times faster than the speed of light.

And there is no transition from pretending you are inside a black hole to marriage…unless you start to think about that if you ever find yourself getting sucked into a black hole, you’re basically dead…cause it like, crushes you. Shit, no…that doesn’t work…maybe for a divorce…but not marriage…

Let’s move along, because this is just going the wrong ass direction from the point I’m trying to make…

The other day, while we were watching something…I don’t remember what…in the middle of some random commercial I also don’t remember, I looked over at Tim and said, “Honey, is it still weird for you?”

Tim looks at me all, What the hell are you talking about?

See, I ask him a question…and he is supposed to know what I’m talking about with no context.

He’s supposed to know exactly what’s going on in my brain.

1 + 1 = 1…which, to me, means NO MORE EXPLAINING.

Again, WRONG.

It actually means MORE EXPLAINING.

Me: Ugghhh…being married…you knew what I meant…is it weird to you….the whole husband and wife thing?

Tim: Uhhh…noooo…and how the hell am I supposed to know what you were talking about?


Me: When did it stop being weird?

Tim: Three days past the show is back on.

Me: You aren’t helping.

Tim: Seventeen days after the second full moon in the ninth equinox.

Me: …the hell?….and…what, exactly, is an equinox?


Me: Try! Try to remember.

Tim: You’re making my head hurt.

Me: Pleeeassse…

Tim: Hey!..Look! Football’s on…you no longer….DAMN! DID YOU SEE THAT TACKLE!?!

And at that very moment, as I was being ignored, I finally realized it:

I am a wife…to a man who loves football and doesn’t remember WHEN it stopped being weird…because I’ve been “his” since before the titles legally applied…he mentally committed to me LONG before he actually proposed…

Which is why he doesn’t remember. He ticked off the “I-found-my-mate” box a long ass time ago.

So, just a little warning to all those engaged or soon to be man and wife…

(I cannot say that without thinking of The Princess Bride… MAN AND WIFE! MAN AND WIFE!…and that…actually, let me stop right there because you just witnessed a milestone moment here…cause I’m that person who is all, who is Tom Cruise, again? Top Gun? What’s THAT?  No, I haven’t seen Top Gun and no, I had no idea he was in it. Yes, I’m totally serious. So the fact that I just yanked Princess Bride from my memory bank is like, I may as well have just won the lottery…cause an accurate movie reference like that will never happen again).

Anyhow, little love birds…newsflash: It takes more than just a simple “I Do” before saying husband doesn’t feel like you committed blasphemy and seeing “Mrs.” in front of your name isn’t weird and picking up dirty under-things (boxers, briefs, the combo pack, banana sack…whatever) doesn’t make you gag.

I am JUST getting to that point. TWO YEARS AFTER the “I Do.”




And that is a long ass time to walk around confused, having conversations with yourself all, You are married, dumbass…Why did you yell at her?…She only called you by your name…yes, the real one and yes, it changed, remember? The new one you had to practice signing for like, a month so you didn’t accidently revert back to what you’ve written for 23 years? Get a grip, self. Seriously…grace period’s over. I THINK AFTER SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY DAMN DAYS YOU CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU. ARE. MARRIED.

Shit…I think there was a Leap Year or something in there somewhere…

Dear math: I quit.


17 Responses to “i’m a wife? what the hell? since when?”

  1. 1 Daphne October 10, 2009 at 8:56 am

    I did the same thing! Donald took to calling me “wife” all the time and I had no idea who he was talking to. I’d randomly look at him with a stupid grin on my face and say, “you’re my husband. That is SO weird!”

    Awesome post.

  2. 3 mmclaughlin October 10, 2009 at 8:57 am

    I’ve been married over 3 years now, and the “Mrs” is still weird for me. It took probably a year or so before calling him “my husband” didn’t sound weird. And for the first couple of months I would walk around paranoid thinking “everyone knows we have sex – everyone! They may have suspected things before, but now they KNOW! Even my parents know!”
    Every now and then we look at each other and talk about how it’s weird that we’re actually married, because it kid of feels like we’re just playing house. But I don’t feel like a grown-up in general, so it kind of goes along with that.

  3. 5 PottyMouthMommy October 10, 2009 at 10:20 am

    I had this moment last week…. on my 3rd anniversary… I was like, 3 years- holy motheragawd i’ve been married THREE F’N YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARS!!!


    Freaked me right the fuck out I tells ya!! My husband, like yours, is all “meh”… Then again he also told me fairly early in our relationship that I “was going to marry him whether I liked it or not”… Long story- I didn’t want a “piece of paper” hanging over my head- I was still a little gun-shy and TOTALLY into the idea of living in sin… Yet I still “gave up” my career to be with him (another long story…) I knew it was meant to be, but the actual LIVING it still weirds me out a bit…

    • 6 Jessica October 10, 2009 at 7:07 pm

      PottyMouthMommy: the living it IS still weird, too…not sure why I can’t get it through my brain that HALF IS MINE and the other half he just borrows…. 🙂

  4. 7 Spot October 10, 2009 at 11:05 am

    We started talking about “when we get married” two weeks into our relationship. We were 16 & 17. Now after nearly twenty two years of togetherness it seems like we’ve been married forever or at least since we were in diapers. I think the newness wore off after about 6 months.

    Funny funny post. Thanks for the giggle.

  5. 9 vegetarianperspective October 10, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Very funny! I was only able to accept the Mrs in my name as a teacher…even so, I am convinced that I have a split personality. I’m Mrs. Washburne and Sarah, and as the years go on, those two are very distinct. Mrs. Washburne is pretty serious, always busy and often has a furrowed brow. Sarah is funny, laid back and a lot younger looking! You’ll get used to it! Thanks for visiting my site – both of us like to cook!

  6. 11 Mark October 10, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    I feel like I shouldn’t be reading all this female stuff. If the other guy’s find out I could be in deep shit! Funny post though!

  7. 12 Stone Fox October 11, 2009 at 12:26 am

    as boring as this sounds, i’ve always felt like a wife. from almost the beginning of our relationship, my hubby worked out of town, so to get anything done (ie. dealing with utilities, getting his truck fixed) i would just tell them i was his wife. also, kind of weird, but i always knew i would marry him. i did not sit down and think about it: it just was. i knew he would ask, and i knew i would say yes. we would make each other crazy, happy, miserable, etc. every day until forever. the end.

  8. 13 Cyndi October 11, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I’ve been married for almost 11 years to the neighbor boy I met at 15 years old. Still, when people say “Mrs” I have to run through the mental translation. Like “is Shaun’s mom here? No. I’m the only one in this room… it must be me they’re talking to.” It’s weird getting called Cynthia too. In my head I’m Cyndi. My business cards say Cyndi. I must be Cyndi… right? I still roll over – in the same bed we had when we got married – and think “I’m married to *him.* Strange.”

  9. 14 Angelia Sims October 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    I’ve been married so many times. It doesn’t phase me at all. Now math? Math hurts plain and simple, just saying math makes my head hurt. Ouch.

  10. 15 Kristin October 12, 2009 at 3:10 am

    I remember having that same conversation with my husband! I thought that once you pinned on the title wife you would feel different or something. Nope. Not sure when I started feeling like a wife but it was definitely sometime between the second to seventh year. It just snuck up on me, no big epiphanies or grand explosions to mark the event. One day I realized I was viewing myself as Eric’s wife finally. Kind of like I think therefore I am–I’m his wife therefore I am.

  11. 16 mrssoup October 12, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Yeah, I’ve been married more than 4 years, and still have weird moments of “What, wait…I’m married? WHAT? I HAVE A CHILD?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?”

    It’s rough. But eventually….life figures things out.

  1. 1 Taking an Interest in the Interests of Others « Family, Friendship, Felicity Trackback on November 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm

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