i can’t make this shit up…i really can’t.

(if you read this once, well, now there’s more…cause I had to add an epilogue…)

Tim: Why are there dots on the passenger side rear tire?

Me: Dots??….

Tim: “Dots” as in: this-is-a-new-tire dots?

Me: Don’t they all have dots? Don’t they replace ALL the tires?

Tim: Uhhh…no. Why would they do that? The LEFT rear tire is the one with the piece of metal. Did they replace that one, too?

Me: How the hell would I know? I just drive.

After further inspection, turns out they replaced the WRONG DAMN TIRE.

So I had to drive all the way back to the dealership this morning.

IN THE RAIN.

For those who don’t live in Atlanta: Rain = competent driving amnesia.

Amnesia as in: everyone drives like a complete fucking moron.

Actually, it’s that way in the sunshine too…and the dark. What about ice? Or snow?

You better hope you drive a military grade tank.

Except me, of course. I’m exempt. I’m an excellent driver (think: Rainman).

Last night, the realization of what I would be subject to AGAIN resulted in a shot of vodka and a cupcake (Buff-tober took a backseat and I’ll be the failure of the day with the badge of shame. There was no better solution to end the fuck-tastic day I had…PLUS the one I’d get to enjoy in less than 12 hours).

You’d think I just imagined these things to embellish life…make something simple fifteen billion times more interesting…

Well, I certainly did not fucking imagine driving 100 shitty ass miles two damn days in a row only to sit and wait on a fucking car…

…waiting today for a tire that COULD NOT BE REPLACED because IT WASN’T LEAKING…because the warranty only covers LEAKING TIRES…because the “new” tech that worked on the damn car yesterday FORGOT TO MENTION THAT HE CHECKED BOTH REAR TIRES and the one that was replaced…the RIGHT ONE…was leaking…while the one we came in about…the one that had the metal shank in the tread…THE LEFT TIRE…was JUST FUCKING FINE.

Welcome to my life.

Every. Damn. Day.

I’m not even sure how I manage to get out of bed without accidently blowing up the kitchen or breaking the wall or splitting the toilet in two.

If something can go wrong, it does. And it will. I’m like that character in a movie who has the little black rain cloud following her everywhere.

The difference…I don’t become all psycho and go on a midnight, murderous rampage for revenge that lands me in solitary confinement all, “I swear I’ve changed! It was the traffic! THE TRAFFIC! And the damn coffee was fucking decaf for the third time in a WEEK!”

Instead, I get royally pissed off and write about it.

Fear thee who steps across my patience line, because I WILL DESTROY YOU.

And maybe one day all this writing will pay off…

Pay off as in someone will finally learn from all of these mistakes and move the hell outta my way.

And Tim, bless him.

Not only is he getting his ass handed to him at work this week, which has resulted in stress level code red, he also put up with my bitching all day yesterday, including me telling him, “You totally take me for granted.”

When he came in the door last night after work, he walked in holding a bouquet of FLOWERS all, “thank you, sweetie, for taking my car in today.”

Then he made cupcakes.

Of course, we had no frosting, because I purged the house of items that result in non-buffness, so I offered to go to the store to get some. I mean, HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS.

And as I hop in my car to drive the two miles to the store, I look down at my little gas gauge, cause I haven’t gotten gas in forever and figured I’d be running on fumes…especially since Tim took my car for the day while I took his to get the tires fixed…so I just KNEW I would have to do the dreaded deed of putting in the car food so I wouldn’t be stranded somewhere…

And my eyes about popped out of my head…and then I almost hit a tree while doing a double-take…because the little gas arrow was on “F.”

Not only did he buy me FLOWERS and make delicious cupcakes…

He fucking FILLED UP MY CAR WITH GAS.

Whatever award that’s on par with the Purple Heart they give military people…he wins that one.

***EPILOGUE****

After Tim read this, he was all, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you say ‘fuck’ more in your entire life.”

Me: I was mad! And how do YOU know that was the most…ever? You haven’t known me MY WHOLE LIFE.

Tim: Uhhh…you NEVER say fuck. You get all uptight when I say fuck.

Me: What’s your point?

Tim: You don’t say fuck.

Me: WOULD YOU STOP, ALREADY You’re soiling my ears.

Tim: ….did you actually read your post?

So, I said fuck like, 300 times.

IT WAS THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!

FINE.

301.

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34 Responses to “i can’t make this shit up…i really can’t.”


  1. 1 Stephanie October 7, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Aw… That sucks! And kudos on the awesome hubby! He’s a keeper!

  2. 2 eatingmachine October 7, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    i’m going to show this to my fiance. and then pout till he makes me cupcakes.

  3. 4 Breeza October 7, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Bummer man. I hate when days like that happen, especially when they never seem to stop. But things will get better!
    And please clone Tim. You could make billions!! 🙂

  4. 5 Barista October 7, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I want one of him!!!!

    With frosting on top!

  5. 7 lifestartsnow October 7, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    what a well raised man! applause to his parents (and to you for finding and keeping this man)

    franzi

  6. 8 DebbieQ October 7, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    The man is a keeper!

  7. 9 Kid Icarus October 7, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    What a sweet baby! Sorry to hear about your car! Doesn’t it always seem like dealership has this collection of “confuse-and-piss-off-the-customer-before-they-knew-what-hit-them” books?

  8. 10 nikki October 7, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I think all days need to end in a shot of vodka and a cupcake. Hell, the way things are going I’ll take 2 shots of vodka thankyouverymuch.

  9. 12 Alice in Wonderland October 7, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I want a guy like that too…with frosting and a cherry on the top!
    Pretty please!!!!
    Cars just suck and those damn garage guys are just the worst! I reckon that they have a secret score-board to see who can piss the most people off in one week! And the winner this week, goes to the guy who messed up the tyres on ……s car!
    Friggin throw the guy a fish!

  10. 13 PottyMouthMommy October 7, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    awwwww!!! what a sweety!!

    That sucks that you had to deal with your dealership twice…the guy who sold us our vehicle- I LUUUUUUURVE him- he’s awesome and get shit DONE….

    The service department- total f’n balls!!! Nasty, sweaty, skanky balls… It took them two weeks once just to ORDER a part- apparently they kept forgetting- or ordering the wrong part… and various other fuckups… gawd they SUCK!!!

    oh yeah.. um… hehe… your husband is awesome!!

    and I tagged you… for a meme/award thingy… so there!! 😛

  11. 15 bevchen October 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Can you please send him here so he can give my boyfriend lessons?!

  12. 16 Belle October 7, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Ummmm BRAVO Tim!
    Yesterday my boyfriend told his friend (while I was in earshot) that I always complain about him never buying me flowers. I have done no such thing in 3 and a half years. Nor has he bought me flowers. But really, I’ve never complained about it because I don’t really cool. He’s perfect on all other accounts. So I said, “Really? When have I done that?” and he was totally called out and had to admit he just lied… woops.

  13. 18 centria October 7, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Rain = competent driving amnesia
    Ha ha, still laughing about that one. (And SO GLAD I don’t have to drive in traffic any more in the rain. That is not fun.) Smiling…glad you blessed Tim. Very cool.

  14. 20 Peggy Nolan October 7, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    I almost named the title of my post “I can’t make this shit up…” Instead it came out “On the Way to the Altar”

    Now I’ll go read your post…

    🙂

  15. 21 crazy in the Making October 7, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Sorry to hear you had such a craptastic couple of days. Dealerships are just stupid!

    We need to think about maybe having an exemption day; one day that is just so crappy you are forgiven for your non-buffness.

    Where do we send thank you cards to Tim for being such a fabulous hubby? He has given women serveral examples to show their SO and kept you from killing someone so we will not be deprived of our Booshy moments that break up the monotony that is our day. (or is that just my day?)
    The man deserves an award, but short of that, a card should do the trick.

    • 22 Jessica October 7, 2009 at 7:06 pm

      crazy in the Making: Hmmm…maybe I should start a fund or something…a “thank you for keeping Jessica sane” card-type fund…

      A day of forgiveness? Maybe we should think about that…I mean, even God rested on one day…

  16. 23 Peggy Nolan October 7, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    um…Jessica…and least you didn’t fly all the way from Ireland to be turned around at Customs and sent back home 😉 I’ll take a tire SNAFU over a wedding SNAFU any day…

    But maybe not…I’m going to Ireland for a wedding in the spring…and my daughter (also named Jessica) is going to be the most gorgeous bride…

    (But I think I got you beat on the not so Buff-toberness!)

    • 24 Jessica October 7, 2009 at 7:03 pm

      Peggy: I remember you telling me that Jessica was the most awesome name ever…and I totally agree 🙂

      as for your little mishap: you win. I can’t compete with that…I’d probably start crying…after I screamed at everyone and banged my suitcase against the wall for a good 20 minutes…

      What happened with your non-buffness??

  17. 25 Stimey October 7, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Oy. That reminds me of the time I took my car in to get a seatbelt fixed. Like, three weeks and many trips later they replaced the wrong part of the seatbelt.

    Hooray for sweet husbands though!

  18. 26 peedee October 7, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I like him. Does he have a brother??

  19. 28 Linnnn October 7, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Flowers! Full tank! Cupcakes! All the while juggling his very own ass that was handed to him! Tim is strangely angelic. And nimble with that ass juggling.

    When I pouted a long time ago about not receiving that kind of tender attention from the (now ex) hubster anymore, he ceremonially popped open a brew and grew uncharacteristically thoughtful. After a 10 hour day at work, I went about serving him a piping hot pot roast dinner, folded his immaculately laundered clothes, and retrieved his special frosty mug from the freezer for the beer. And then having gathered his thoughts sufficiently he said, I shit you not: “I don’t have to do that stuff anymore. I married you didn’t I?”

    (Sound FX: Tires screeching, the “crump” of metal on metal, horn stuck on beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.)

  20. 29 Elizabeth_K October 7, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Flowers AND a full tank of gas? He wins husband of the year!

  21. 30 Pop and Ice October 7, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Cupcakes and flowers? A definite keeper. Even after the *fuck* argument. 🙂

  22. 31 Peggy Nolan October 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Jessica – my non-buffness – the donuts and um…the drink I needed to have after the mishap at Logan…did me in…

    And my body is wrecked from 2 days of Thai Kicboxing in a row…I can’t possibly do anything that requires much butt movement for another day or so…I killed myself.

  23. 32 dubiousMa October 8, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    What is WRONG with those tire people?? I’m sure they rode the short bus to school.

  24. 33 Lawgirl October 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Awww, he is so sweet!! And you so deserve it!! 🙂

  25. 34 submom October 9, 2009 at 12:42 am

    You should tell him that your blog helps you pre-vent so when you finally get to the real person, i.e. him most of the time, your steam has cooled down considerably. He really should kiss the monitor with your blog showing. By the way, what’s up with flowers and cupcakes for bringing his car in? I bore 2 children and I got flowers only once! FUCK! Now I am going to write on MY blog…


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