i have a blacklist, you know.

***Of course, being how today is…this post decided to publish YESTERDAY…even though YESTERDAY it didn’t exist. I think I fixed it now…Stupid…damn…wordpress.***

Excuse me while I go on my own little mini-rant. I’ve done NOTHING today…other than shit. So if I don’t say it here…then I’ll say it somewhere else…and that somewhere else is at the dinner table where I will subsequently get my ass handed to me, cause I suck at debating. And I lose. Every. Single. Time. Tim is Mr. Eloquence and leaves me all, “uhh…I SO HAD A POINT…somewhere…” Then he wins. Here, you can’t yell back at me until AFTER I’M DONE…and by that point I already feel loads better.

Yesterday when Tim came home from work, he was all, “something is wrong with my tire. The car is yelling at me to fix it.”

Obviously, he isn’t fixing the tire. He isn’t allowed…cause I won’t let him.  And I hate car “issues.” Everything – including getting gas – about a car is a problem unless it is taking me somewhere I want to go.

Now, let’s have a small history lesson: When we bought Tim’s car last year, I INSISTED he get the extra tire warranty, cause he is a damn magnet for metal and nails and anything that can crack a windshield or flatten a tire.

We bought his car in January.

And, after discovering a metal shard in his tire last night, I spent my morning and half of my afternoon at the dealership…the dealership that is FIFTY DAMN MILES AWAY…ONE HUNDRED MILES ROUND FUCKING TRIP…so his tires could be replaced…for the THIRD TIME.

THE THIRD DAMN TIME.

That warranty has already paid for itself.

Why replaced? Why not just shove some of that Fix-A-Flat into his tire and call it a success?

Because they are run-flat tires.

And there is no patching or shoving of anything in run-flat tires.

Because then they explode.

And I’ve been told that’s a bad thing.

Oh, did I mention that sitting around and waiting for a car to be repaired is on my blacklist of things I refuse to do at all costs?

Did I also mention that traffic is something I hate so much that it caused me to quit one job and for another, I left every morning at 4:30 am to avoid it?

Traffic is also on the blacklist. I will drive through a damn pasture with cow shit before I sit behind cars that aren’t moving.

And, since we’re on a roll…

Laundry is a chore from the devil. Followed closely by doing the dishes.

Neither are EVER “DONE” and I swear if you so much as THINK about putting a spoon or a pair of damn underpants into what I JUST EMPTIED…

You better pray you can run faster than my arm can throw.

I do not enjoy making will not make anything with lots of tiny, little pieces…my mom has a “build-your-own doll house” from when I was like, five. And it’s still in the box.

Picking up voicemail?

Every time I see I have one, the first thing I ask myself is: Who is it and what are the odds they’ll call again?

Cause if there’s at least a 50% chance they will, I’ll just let that voicemail sit its little ass in my mailbox for eternity.

I’ll only check when I think it may be important…and once I have the gist of the message…delete.

Activities involved in being patient…sucky.

Actually, it’s anything that I HAVE to do that I don’t WANT to do.

That’s where we run into a problem and my panties get all in a wad and I’m a massive pain in the ass.

There’s a simple solution, really.

DON’T MAKE ME DO IT.

Then, everyone’s I’m happy.

And we like happy.

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28 Responses to “i have a blacklist, you know.”


  1. 1 Kid Icarus October 6, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Agreed 100 times over! Don’t make me do what I don’t want to do. Jonathan always says: “If momma’s happy, then everyone’s happy”…that goes without saying.

  2. 2 Spot October 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Honey, you need to check out this video:

    See how nicely she combines the laundry and dishes? And “iced tea”? Well who doesn’t like a nice refreshing glass? Take two and call me in the morning…

    Your welcom.
    ♥Dr. Spot

  3. 3 peedee October 6, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    This comment is gonna make me sound old. AND I’M NOT OLD. I had my kid young.

    You sound just like my kid. To the “T”. Scary and strangly comforting at the same time.

    Good thing you like Tim. Else he’d be fucked!!

  4. 4 GroundSquirrel October 6, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    It gets really fucked up when they start putting spoons in the hamper and underwear in the dishwasher.

    • 5 Jessica October 6, 2009 at 6:46 pm

      GroundSquirrel: that’s when I quit and accept that those two “chores,” when combined, equal mass destruction. And at that point in the game, I’ll have already laid down my starch and my dobie.

  5. 6 Carissajaded. October 6, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    haha i have thought everything you just said. I have had 8 flat tires in the last two years and if I get another one you might as well just shoot me in the head because Im NOT DEALING WITH IT!And people have been telling me for about a month that my voice mail is full… and it actually makes me happy!

  6. 7 Cheryl October 6, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    WOW! Preaching to the choir here!

    That is bad luck that I can relate to…the only thing worse than driving is taking public transporation! And I will clean every toilet in the house before I do laundry. That’s why I have so many clothes…so I barely have to wash it!

  7. 8 mel October 6, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    I totally enjoyed that…almost like it helped ME get a LOAD off…whew…made me chuckle too and today I’ve not been in a chuckle mood so thanks….hey, GREAT idea to rant on the blog FIRST…damn…I’m always trying get the bug out of my ass by abusing facebook and then everybody has to further annoy me by commenting back with their pithy little “funny” remarks and then I just look schizo…I think I’ll have to create a secret rant blog to get it out there first 😀 Perfect
    http://www.hippydippycook.wordpress.com (thanks for stopping by today)

  8. 10 finn644 October 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I am so with you on the voice mail thing – to the pint that I have flat-out refused to even set it up here at my “new” job, and I have been here 18 months …

    if it’s important, they will call back

  9. 11 Jenera October 6, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    I can’t NOT check my voicemail because having that little icon on my cell phone staring at me drives me nuts.

  10. 12 Shannon October 6, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Ditto on the voicemail! I have caller ID and I can see that you called why the hell is it necessary to now leave a message about it.

  11. 14 Sunnie October 6, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Precisely why I have NO voice mail or answering machine at home—catch me if you can—if not too damn bad!!!
    Sunnie

  12. 15 Rose October 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Washing/drying the clothes is okay. It’s the folding and putting away that sucks. And run flat tires are a curse.

  13. 16 Cindy Lou October 6, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    Love this rant! I just started reading your blog and this one had me laughing and identifying with everything you said… :} Tomorrow will bring its own set of surprises and fun….if a rant makes things better, I say GO FOR IT!

  14. 18 Linnnn October 6, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    The agony is so very well shared my Sistah! I found myself standing in line at the Dollar Store to purchase 3 artificial flowers for my daughter’s Halloween hippy costume and a Fanta Orange drink for my son. 10 people ahead of me, one befuddled non-English speaking clerk who couldn’t make the credit card thingie work, and I began to melt down…The lady in front of us heard me start to lose it. “This is the last stop. I can’t do this anymore. Everyone is well beyond violating my personal space. Is that a hot flash? I am really losing it!” By all that is kind and merciful, she let me go ahead of her BECAUSE she was RETURNING items to the DOLLAR STORE. With that, she bought herself on more day breathing on this earth!

    • 19 Jessica October 7, 2009 at 10:39 am

      Linnnn: who in the hell RETURNS things to the dollar store?? That sounds like she’s got a bigger problem than deciding she doesn’t like the color of the sponges she bought…FOR A DOLLAR.

      I know, I have no idea what she bought…but whatever. You get my point…

  15. 20 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 6, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Lately, anything that requires even a tiny amount of effort on my part is on my blacklist. Completely agree with you on the traffic and voicemail. Nothing can ruin your day faster…okay, some things are worse. Well, lots of things are worse. But I feel we are entirely justified in bitching about it all. =)
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  16. 21 Leese October 7, 2009 at 7:19 am

    The message on my cell phone says:

    “.. it’s one of three things. Either I know who it is and I can’t answer .. I know who is it and I don’t want to answer.. or I don’t know who it is and I’m not going to answer.”

    The best is that it’s suck a long greeting to listen to, most people hang up before it plays out therefore I don’t have to be annoyed by voicemail. But I love the people who do leave a message and question which category they fit into!!

    We won’t even TOUCH the laundry issue and how by the time I get home from the laundromat :: my dryer is busted :: there’s another two loads waiting to be done.

    No.. we won’t even go there!

    Great post.. as usual!

  17. 23 Wendi October 7, 2009 at 8:08 am

    Love. This. Post.

  18. 24 Stephanie October 7, 2009 at 9:02 am

    If I didn’t have to do the dishes or laundry, I would be in heaven.

  19. 25 PottyMouthMommy October 7, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    we’ve had three flats in the last year with two different vehicles… at one point I SWEAR my in-laws neighbours were fucking with us and putting nails and shit into my tires- because every time we went over there- we’d end up with a flat… it was a SCREW the one time- and all I could think was who the hell SCREWS a tire???!!

    other than that- i want to burn the laundry pile (it’s a good thing I quit smoking and can’t ever find a damn lighter or it’d probably be torched) and don’t even get me started on dishes!! Any housework in general is NOT my friend… yet I HATE having a messy house…ugh… I told my husband that our next home had better come with a built-in maid…

  20. 26 PottyMouthMommy October 7, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    oh- and voicemail- I’m too lazy to even GET it… I have caller ID… and there are days I’m too damn lazy to even answer the phone!!

  21. 27 bevchen October 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Sooooo with you on the dishes thing. I hate, hate, hate washing dishes. With a passion. Which is why the dishes from Monday night still haven’t been washed, and why I refuse to cook when the boyfriend isn’t here. Cos if I eat crisps and toast when I’m alone there are no frying pans and chopping boards and baking trays to be washed, which can only be a good thing.

  22. 28 Cindy Lou October 8, 2009 at 7:08 am

    My mom swears I’m no relation to Cindy Lou Who of Whoville, but I have to admit that she’s my heroine! I even kind of look like her – blue eyes, blond hair – not near as cute though. Born on Christmas Day, too! So I’m not believing my mom on this one…the Grinch book was published the year before I was born….suspicous,no?

    Just started reading your blog – found it through Kathy’s ‘centria’ blog, I think. Totally different blogs but they both make my day!


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