a puffer fish is like, the dumbest delicacy in the entire universe.

If you missed the footnote…well, then you should read it. Cause if you think you’ve done something stupid, I promise, I’ll make you look like a saint. It’s at the bottom. Hence “footnote.”

Maybe you’ve never had this conversation…maybe you have.

If you haven’t, you should.

Think of it as an exercise in creative thinking…or something.

Tim: Who decided lobster was a good idea? I  mean…it’s not like you can just crack it open and enjoy. It’d be a mushy, watery mess.

Me: I know! And was it the same person who decided one day…Hey! Maybe I’ll go down the BOTTOM of the ocean and dig out the gross looking sea-roaches. Now THAT looks like a meal…or a scallop…or an oyster.

Tim: And what about like, the puffer fish?

Me: Umm…that one is still stupid. Here, eat this. YOU MIGHT DIE…but whatever. I think I removed all the poison…then again, you never know…it’s like the Russian Roulette…are you typically a lucky person? I mean, I’m not. So there will be no puffer fish eating for me…I’d get the tainted one.

Tim: And who thought…I’m DYING of thirst…maybe I’ll go drink a cactus.

Me: It was a mirage. It looked like a pina colada.

Tim: Yea…a pina colada with a serious bite.

Me: Well, it’s not any different than, like, root vegetables.

Tim: Huh? Root vegetables don’t have prickers…and they don’t grow in the desert.

Me: But they’re disgusting if you don’t cook them. A raw potato? Or rutabaga? Or turnip? It’s like…BLECH!

Tim: Blech? What’s blech?

Me: A starchy, gross mess.

Tim: Never woulda gotten that from blech.

Me: And what about those truffle things that dogs dig up? I mean, they’re like, a million dollars for a tiny little, dirt covered thing that looks like a fungus.

Tim: They kind of ARE a fungus…

Me: But, who was randomly digging in the dirt one day all, what’s this? A moss-covered nugget of deliciousness?! You know, I’ll bet it was like a Popper or something…and then their rich old master was all, “What is THAT you’re stuffing in your face?” And the Popper couldn’t say moss-covered nugget, cause then he’d be outta line and get the sweat box for a week…so he said “truffle”…cause that sounds LOADS better…and so his master stole it, thinking it was this amazing delicacy…but it sucked all plain and hard and dirty…so he gave it to his chef to create a fantastic meal to serve to the King…who was visiting that evening…so he could meet the master’s daughter…to marry off with a dowry…which, by the way, would eventually include the truffles…and if the chef didn’t make up something amazing, he’d be in the sweat box too, and two people in the sweat box is like, WAY too crowded, so the chef was freaking out all, “What in the hell do I do with THIS?…” So he sliced up the little fungi, sautéed it and threw it in some pasta…cause the King loved him some pasta…with meatballs…

Tim: Wow. I think we’re done now.


I am retarded. Just so everyone is clear…and for those of you who were all, “Popper? What the fuck?”…well, my husband said the same thing:

Tim: I called you earlier, you didn’t answer.

Me: My phone didn’t ring.

Tim: AND I sent you a text message.

Me: I didn’t get a text message.

Tim: UGH…Ok…whatever. I did. Anyway…what the hell is a Popper?

Me: You know, the poor people…in the old, medieval times.

Tim: You mean a P-A-U-P-E-R?

Me: Oh….yah…one of those.

So…do yourself a favor and substitute PAUPER in for Popper in the aforementioned story line…maybe it’ll all make sense now…


40 Responses to “a puffer fish is like, the dumbest delicacy in the entire universe.”

  1. 1 Casey October 5, 2009 at 9:06 am

    I never thought about things like this before lol. you could just go on and on with it!

  2. 2 Belle October 5, 2009 at 9:36 am

    hahahahahah “What’s blech?” Impressively defined Madame.

  3. 3 justrun October 5, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Once, when I was much younger and lived in a fantasy world, my family was invited to eat at Spago in Las Vegas. One of the things we were served that night was truffle pizza. I was sixteen, so I had to ask what a truffle was. I could not bring myself to eat the pizza, so I lied and said I couldn’t eat cheese. My family laughed later, which is fine. They’re the ones that ate fungus.

  4. 4 eatingmachine October 5, 2009 at 10:10 am

    i have these conversations all the dang time

    who the eff figured out cheese?
    hmm this milk went bad… let’s eat it! seriously.

    and bread. the amount of steps involved… who did anyone figure it out.

  5. 5 Spot October 5, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Um, do they really put truffles in spaghetti? I thought they used them in like chocolate and stuff?

    And, gosh I feel dumb for having to ask, but what the h*ll is a Popper?! Is that some kind of politically correct name that I missed the memo on?

    And yes, seriously, I wonder these things alot. But I always decide it was desperately hungry people. And it had to be trial and error, you know. They probably ate some really really bad stuff before they got this figured out. Oh, you have to cook that for it to taste good!

    And puffer fish?! Insane!!! Not only do they risk their lives to eat it…they pay out the nose for the privelege. Some people have more money than brains. Okay, alot of people.


    PS- I forgot to mention that your post was hilarious!

  6. 7 Gabrielle Valentine October 5, 2009 at 10:44 am

    That’s hilarious!!! That sounds like a conversation Mr. V and I would have, totally. Yeah, some things, creatures are bizarre!

  7. 8 Amanda October 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

    love it 🙂 and yes, who comes up with these things??

  8. 9 PottyMouthMommy October 5, 2009 at 11:29 am

    omg that sounds like my husband and I… except I’m woefully inept at remembering the conversation long enough to type the whole thing and my husband just gets all pissy when I ask him to repeat conversations verbatim so that I can put them on the internet….

    awesome theory on the truffles- I wonder stuff like that too- like, who the HELL would have thought of eating THIS??? But then I’m just glad they did because- omg lobster yum!!!

    The end… 😛

  9. 10 darlingdamsel October 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Perfect. I neeeded this post. One to make me laugh.


  10. 12 crnnoel October 5, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Every time we eat lobster I think about that sort of thing! And then I get grossed out, can’t think about, and eat it anyway.

  11. 13 Kid Icarus October 5, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    I would love to try a truffle one day…unfortunately I have a sneaking suspicion that they tast nothing like chocolate.

  12. 14 schmutzie October 5, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    At the turn of the 20th century, lobster was considered poor man’s food, and no one of any class wanted to eat it. I can’t remember who it was exactly, but an American politician or somesuch thing was travelling along the Eastern seaboard, and he wrote home to tell his wife that the people there were so poor that all they had to feed him was lobster.

    Plus, lobsters are actually bugs. Gross.

  13. 15 Leese October 5, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    OMG.. we have the same conversation all the time!

    When we first met, my husband would whip up all these concoctions since he’s a chef and my palate was stuck on Italian.

    I’d push thing around on the plate and be all “.. um.. yea.. about this [whatever] .. who the HELL was the first person who thought THIS looked edible”

    Great post.. although I think I need to learn NOT to drink anything that I don’t want coming out of my nose when I read your blog!!

    ~ Leese

  14. 17 dubiousMa October 5, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Not to mention that mushrooms are grown in shit! LOL…I mean, wtf?? I can’t see how this makes sense.

  15. 18 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 5, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    My husband and I have these conversations often. They usually end with him looking at me like, “Who are you?” And I usually look back at him like, “I know…right?”

  16. 19 AmyAnne October 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Artichokes! Who the hell thought of boiling & then peeling off each & every pokey leaf & then scrapping off like a minuscule amount of whatever off it & calling it food? That is not a meal. That is not even an appetizer. I refuse to waste my time on flecks of plant flesh which it turns out is really just a vehicle to shovel melted butter or mayo straight into your mouth.

    Yeah, I think about this particular topic all the time.

  17. 20 Miss B October 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Oh, soy sauce is the one that always leaves me totally bewildered. Basically, you have some soy bean mash and a shitload of salt, and you’ve just left this in a jar sitting outside fermenting for god-knows-how-long, occasionally Scraping. Off. The. Mold. and then hey-presto, “Honey, guess what I dumped in our rice for tonight’s dinner?”

    Really? Who thought that was a good plan?

  18. 22 Emily (http://funnyemily.wordpress.com) October 5, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    🙂 i’m so glad you came to my blog!! this is hysterical, there was a lot of really laugh out loud going on in my little dorm room 🙂 i love these kinds of conversations!

  19. 24 leadbanana October 5, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Hahaha 🙂
    I was walking with my boyfriend down the street a few weeks ago. He looked at a tree and said, “Those trees taste good!” I thought he was joking. He then explained that, one day, out of curiosity as a kid, he just tasted trees. And this one was the best.

    So…when you ask, WHO does that?
    Creepy people like HIM 🙂

  20. 25 Sarah C (@scunning) October 5, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    I’ve had so many of these conversations. I’m convinced they are somehow good for your brain.

  21. 26 hintonrae October 5, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    I love this! So true. I love lobster but hate the whole process of eating it and I’m sure I don’t know what in the world possessed anyone to try it, or any of those other things out. Or brussel sprouts, for that matter. They just look super yummy.

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one out there having these random word-attack conversations with myself. I actually woke myself up the other morning and almost wrote a post about the current one…but I was just too lazy, and now I can’t remember what the words were. I’m sure they were nothing near as witty as I think they were in my half-dreaming state.

  22. 27 Stephanie October 5, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    haha! I thought you meant pauper.

    Also, I totally always think what person thought it would be a good idea to drink the stuff that came out of a cow? Or to take it and make cheese out of it!? People are pretty weird.

    P.S. Having a little bear cub would be pretty awesome except when it grew up or got strong enough to beat me up. Then I would probably cry, so I’m going to stick with the bunny. He can be mean and grouchy sometimes, but at least I can beat him back with a stick. (I don’t really beat him with a stick.)

  23. 29 LiteralDan October 6, 2009 at 1:25 am

    That’s funny, we’ve had this conversation quite a few times. I have it with myself every time I see lobster. I just don’t get it.

    • 30 Jessica October 6, 2009 at 6:55 am

      LiteralDan: My husband is convinced aliens came down and handed someone a few “tips”…..like the concept of a wheel….and cooking meat…and sea-roaches…

  24. 31 Alice In Wonderland October 6, 2009 at 7:51 am

    I have often wondered exactly what people were actually DOING when they discovered that they could get milk from a cow! And how anyone could actually eat these little fungus things that grow in the ground…and they ARE NOT CHOCOLATE either!
    And I have an allergy to sea-food! So, no lobster for me, thank you!!!!

  25. 32 habanerogal October 6, 2009 at 8:15 am

    Glad someone else was brave enough to take these leaps of faith in the past, lord knows it wouldn’t be me. We would still be stuck on fruit

  26. 34 peedee October 6, 2009 at 10:02 am

    I ❤ raw potatoes in all their starchyness. 0_o

  27. 35 Spot October 6, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Oh my flippin god, Jessica!! I think the footnote might have been funnier then the first blog!!! Sooo glad I came back to see if you’d commented on my comment. That was the best laugh I’ve had today and I have been laughing all morning!


  28. 36 Barista October 6, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    OMG I just about cried reading the footnote to this! When I was reading it yesterday on google reader – I was like Popper? But I was too distracted with my own life (yeah, so what? I’m trying to fall in love, damnit!) that I didn’t give it another thought. When I came back today I seriously almost peed on myself. You rock.

  29. 38 Theresa October 7, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    That footnotes is so hilarious! I’m so glad you added it!

  30. 39 Heather October 8, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Hahaha, loved the spelling for pauper. Too funny! Yes, these are the conversations me and hubby often have too. Neither of us can get over the idea of eating Blowfish. I mean, Japanese chefs have to be certificated to cook them! WTF? Who the fuck wants to gamble their lives away on food? Oh, and truffles – had them last year for the first time. They’re quite tasty actually – very strong – but I love funghi, with the exception of shiitake because they make me violently ill (I recently discovered after eating them twice within a fortnight!) You shouldn’t be made ill from something so tasty! As a vegetarian I think it’s an effrontry to get food poisoning from veggies! Never again.

  1. 1 why i started this. why i keep going. « booshy Trackback on October 12, 2009 at 7:06 am

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