you’re anal, aren’t you? well, i’m amphibious.

I’m right-handed when I write.

Everything else…I’m a lefty.

I brush my teeth, dry my hair, use a fork (and a knife, which causes a serious conundrum), wipe my *you know* all with my left hand.

Tim calls me amphibious.

Yes, we know it is ambidextrious…WE KNOW.

We’re weird that way. We say “Ca-nadia” instead of Canada and “tar-jay” instead of Target…

Think of it as keeping daily, mundane life interesting…like when you have to make up a phrase for the naughty bedroom activity…and instead of telling your kid you’re going to rip daddy’s hair out while having crazy sex, you tell him that you and daddy have to go hang pictures…or bake cookies.

I personally think the whole cookie baking is a bad idea…you know eventually your kid is gonna be all, “WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN OVEN IN MY ROOM?…And why do I never get any of those cookies? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE COOKIES!”

(Actually, smartass, YOU DID. See your sister over there? Cookie).

Anyhow…my point has nothing to do with cookies…or babies.

It has to do with the problems my amphibiousness causes.

I put the toilet paper and paper towel rolls the “left-handed” direction and Tim will be all, “What the hell? I’M NOT THE ONE WHO CAN USE BOTH HANDS.”

Me: What? Looks normal to me?

Tim: I don’t pull off paper towels THIS WAY.

And then I watch him struggle to rip the sheet off, left-handed.

His abilities with his left hand are like my competency with math.

Math and I have reached a mutual understanding: We leave each other alone.

Tim’s the same way with his left hand. It’s just there, in case he happens to need it. Other than that, it just hangs around, like the weird, pimply kid with zero athletic ability. No one wants him on THIER team…cause he’ll space out or something, totally missing the ball, while the other team scores. Exactly. The left hand is benched unless absolutely necessary.

So, whenever I’m putting stuff away, I have to think like a right-handed person…and that causes serious mental conflict inside my brain…I’ll sit there all… WHICH WAY? HOW THE HELL DOES THIS GO?!?

And I still put it on wrong.

Every. Damn. Time.

I’ve got a 50/50 shot at the right answer…and I lose. EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

I finally came up with visual hints for myself…like, toilet paper sheets MUST FACE THE FLOOR, NOT THE CEILING when being pulled off the roll…or else I’ll continue to hear, “SWEETHEART, WHAT THE HELL? SERIOUSLY. IT’S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.”

And…no thanks. It took me two years to remember which direction to put his clothes on a hanger. I never knew pants could like, fling themselves onto the floor all, “YOU PUT ME ON BACKWARDS, WOMAN.”

I still cannot accurately straighten a picture – and I’ve just given up on trying. My head must be crooked, cause I’ll move it and Tim will be all, “YOU THINK THAT’S STRAIGHT?!?”

Ummm…no. I just wanted to see how many degrees of crooked would still pass your inspection.


26 Responses to “you’re anal, aren’t you? well, i’m amphibious.”

  1. 1 thebakerbee October 2, 2009 at 9:26 am

    I guess I never realized there was a left-handed and a right-handed way to toilet paper and paper towels. Learn somethin’ new every day.

    Oh, and good luck with remembering all of that!

  2. 2 LB @Wait, She Said What? October 2, 2009 at 9:33 am

    I’m right handed and my hubby is a lefty, and I’m now thankful we’ve never had the toilet paper issues. It just automatically goes on with the paper facing down. Seems more natural for everyone. Well, except you I guess.

    Oh, and I have the same exact aggreement with math that you do. It’s better for everyone if math and I go our seprate ways. I try to have the same understanding with spiders but they’re just jerks and refuse to follow it. So I have them killed. I think it’s fair.

  3. 3 Kid Icarus October 2, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Love it. I do have to agree with the toilet paper thing. We’re both right handed in our house, but I am anal about the toilet paper being on top….mainly so that when the cat gets a wild hair up his ass and goes to the roll to do a mini half-treadmill exercise on the roll, the roll won’t unravel when the sheet is on the top.

    If it’s on the bottom, cat wins…and we’re minus a perfectly good roll. Damn cat.

  4. 4 PottyMouthMommy October 2, 2009 at 10:14 am

    rofl… my husband’s head explodes because I ALTERNATE… rofl… one day, total lefty- next, I’m a righty… heh 😛

    I say Canadia too- but only because my friend Laura came to my home (she’s from the US) and claimed my front lawn in the name of the United State of Canadia…

    yeah.. so I never said I was clever yo!!

  5. 5 Jenera October 2, 2009 at 10:19 am

    In relation to the Ca-nadia thing (which I’ve used before), here in Idaho there is Canyon County and Ada County and they butt up against each other. There is a road that runs through both and it is called Can-Ada. I about died laughing when I first saw it because all I could think of was a bunch of drunk idiots driving around, seeing that sign, and saying “Oh crap! We drove all the way to Canada!”

  6. 6 Sunnie October 2, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Ummmmmm I’m thinking your husband may be the one with the issues-not you and your amphibious-ness. Hee hee hee…don’t let him fool you into thinking it is YOUR problem.

  7. 7 ittybittycrazy October 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    We also have cute words for things.

    Like you, Tar-jay for Target.

    We call Aspergers syndrome Asparagus. As in: That guy is totally asparagus.

    We don’t have kids, though – apart from our furkid – so if we want to retire for sex we don’t have to explain it to anyone.

    Actually, correct that.

    Puppy Dog doesn’t get sex. He thinks Fluffy Bear is hurting me and comes to the side of the bed for reassurance. I swear one time I opened my eyes and looked up to find two faces, one brown one that looked very concerned, and one red one that looked – well, something else entirely.

    By the way, you are SO being added to my favorite blogs.

  8. 8 lifestartsnow October 2, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    @jenera wait, where’s that road? i sense a funny picture!

    @booshy the tar-jay reminded me of my time in michigan. they actually think they’re all so fancy when saying it like this instead of what it really is “target”


  9. 9 bevchen October 2, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Wow, I really didn’t think it mattered which way round the tilet roll goes on. I mean, if it won’t unravel you just turn the other way… right?

  10. 10 Kara October 2, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Geez…guys and their rules! I grew up with 3 brothers so the toilet seat pretty much stayed up in our house. Fine, I get it, I’m the only girl so I’m outnumbered. THEN I married my husband who says the toilet seat cover must stay down at all times.It took about a year for him to train me, and I still don’t get it right every time!

  11. 11 eatingmachine October 2, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    I totally say canadia. and I’m canadian. so i’m pretty sure that’s just how it’s said.

  12. 12 Woman with Kids October 2, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    I can’t straighten a picture either. Or walk in a straight line. Seriously, to save my life, I can’t, but I always think I am. And I wonder why the hell all the people walking around me are weaving so much…

  13. 13 Stone Fox October 2, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    once upon a time there was a man silly enough to criticize the way his wife loaded the toilet paper. his big mistake was doing it when he was on the toilet and needed a new roll. the man soon learned a lesson when his wife walked over to the shiny new package of toilet paper and took the whole thing out of the bathroom, leaving the man with his socks. which he did not have to resort to because the wife, who was kind, generous, benevolent, merciful, and understanding, whipped a roll of toilet paper at the man’s head after he hollered for not very long, probably less than a minute.

    the end.

  14. 14 Amanda October 2, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    I use both my hands for everything and it has never once occurred to me that I might be offending someone with how I do things. I guess we have all just adapted!!

    Have a blessed night!

  15. 15 Alice In Wonderland October 2, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    I’m English, so we say Canada, and I can use both hands, although I’m right-handed. If I write with my left hand, it comes out as
    “Mirror-Writing”, so if you read it through a mirror, it looks perfect. If I go to the toilet, I use toilet-paper, and not my hand! LOL!!!

  16. 16 Jenny October 2, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    I just say thank you to anyone willing to EVER put a full TP roll back on….don’t care which way it rolls. Funny blog.

  17. 17 Spot October 2, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    I think your husband might be a tad OCD. Seriously, why does it matter which way the toilet paper roll goes on? Like Jenny said, hell I’m just happy if someone other than me remembers to put a new one on instead of just leaving the cardboard tube. You tell that man to start appreciating you!

    My sister & I always say tar-jay too. I never heard canadia, but I’m sooo using it now. =]


  18. 18 submom October 3, 2009 at 12:03 am

    I love “amphibious”. 🙂 And I think that’s why you were able to babysit that goose. You know how it is like to live with water. Just saying. And, yup, he’s anal. Actually, I consider myself to be Queen of Anal-ity (? Anal-ness? Anal-itis?) BUT demanding pants to be hung the same way? Wow. He can have my crown. You guys should just use the type of toilet paper used in some countries, NOT rolls, but boxed like Kleenex. Problem solved!

  19. 19 Erin October 3, 2009 at 2:49 am

    My left hand is retarded. It can’t do ANYTHING. Except type the word “retarded” – which I just realized is all typed with ONLY the left hand. GO FIGURE. Is this my left hand trying to get me back???

  20. 20 habanerogal October 3, 2009 at 5:25 am

    The toilet paper I never saw as a right or left thing more so as an attched to the spool or sitting on top of it. APPARENTLY people in my house have a LOT on their mind while sitting on the throne and can’t multitask putting a new roll ON the dispenser.
    My son is amphibious to the point where I can’t even remember what he does with which hand. As long as he has it sorted out…
    I also like to mess with names of stores etc. Walmart is referred to as Dull-mart. Canadian Tire we call Crappy Tire.

  21. 21 aviewfromme October 3, 2009 at 5:53 am

    hehe We call it a “new York thing” in my house. My husband is from here in Massachusetts and I was born and raised in New York. So when I say “anKshint” instead of ancient or sound more like Scooby Do when I say rural route he just rolls his eyes. Yeah and that picture thing, I feel your pain, same here. Have a great weekend. ~Jeanne

  22. 22 littlemsblogger October 3, 2009 at 7:12 am

    I didn’t know about the lefty toilet paper thing either.

    I’m amphibious as well, but not to the point you are. Righty for most everything and lefty for sports (note: I love how you use ‘amphibious’)….

    I also love how you describe your husband’s left hand….now I’m feeling badly for all the people out there with the one forgotten hand….

  23. 23 Masked Mom October 3, 2009 at 9:25 am

    I do everything right-handed except texting–which I can do much more quickly and accurately left-handed. I’m ambiTEXTrous.

  24. 24 Angelia October 3, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I was always righty, except for my watch, I wear that like a lefthanded person. THEN, I broke my right wrist in two places last year. CAST for 7 weeks. I learned everything left handed except writing. My writing really sucked. You’re really lucky. If you break your right wrist, you’re good!

  25. 25 Angela Risner October 3, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    I am still laughing over this one!!

  26. 26 Lawgirl October 3, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    Lol, you are too funny!

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