orchids are for overrated. and buff-tober got its own page.

Do you have an orchid?

No?

Well, don’t get one.

EVER.

I suckity suck suck at keeping plants alive.

And Tim bought me an orchid in July as a “congratulations you got promoted” gift…back when I worked that “real” job, remember?

It was lovely. It was beautiful. It made me want to try and keep something green from shriveling up into a dry, brittle disaster.

orchid

Then, about three weeks ago, one of the cats Chloe decided it looked better on the ground and knocked it clear off the plant stand.

We came home to dirt spread in a three foot swath, broken stems…flowers everywhere…

Bad…bad idea to stress out an orchid.

It never fully recovered…and now…we’re not sure if it’s still alive.

Tim trimmed the stems per “orchid care instructions” he found on the internet. I refused. I told him if I touched it, it would die. Instantly.

Then he yells from the computer room all, “It needs a humidifier…it doesn’t like moist air.”

Me: That’s like, a problem…considering we live in a place where the humidity is like, 3 million percent.

Tim: And it can’t have too much sunlight…or it can get sunburned.

Me: Are you even ON a reputable site?…are you using wikipedia?

Tim: I don’t USE wikipedia. It’s DOT ORG…Huh…and it says here if it isn’t blooming, you have to take it outside in freezing-ass weather and shock it – then it thinks the seasons changed and will sprout flowers.

Me: …the hell?

Tim: Shit. Which do you think is better? Cinnamon or melted wax?

Me: For what?

Tim: To prevent infection

Me: I’m not pouring melted wax on myself. I learned a long time ago that was a bad idea.

Tim: For the orchid. I have to put cinnamon or melted wax on the stems I just trimmed or else it could get infected.

WHAT THE HELL?

This is the result of the reputable-internet-site instructions:

orchid2

The brown sticks? Ornamental decoration for the orchid. 

The thick, green things with hair clips? The orchid’s stripping pole.

The tiny, short, barely visible greenish sticks with tan tips?

That’s the orchid.

Exactly. We’ve got issues.

I’m convinced that an anal, crotchety, mean little man developed orchids as a twisted, sick little joke for his wife all, “you don’t think YOU’RE high maintenance? I’ll show you high maintenance. I’ll show you what I’ve dealt with EVERY DAMN DAY FOR FIFTY. FUCKING. YEARS.”

Well, shut the hell up internet instructions.

It’ll be lucky if it gets watered.

That’s how it goes in this house.

Survival of the fittest.

And speaking of fittest, buff-tober has its own page now.

So, for those of us wanting some healthy competition – you’ll find it over there.

I must warn you – I play to win.

***FOOTNOTE***

Thanks to a creative little idea this morning from Kid Icarus, buff-tober is becoming global.

If you want to play try to beat me…check in over on the buff-tober page.

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27 Responses to “orchids are for overrated. and buff-tober got its own page.”


  1. 1 Leese October 1, 2009 at 8:20 am

    I can’t do flowers or plants.

    I would LOVE to do flowers and plants… love to have my house look like a picture from Country Living magazine or Martha Stewart..but that’s never going to happen.

    :: oh crap, I forgot to move my cars for the street sweepers. DAMMIT!! ::

    I can’t keep track of which one needs sun.. which one needs water.. which one needs a shot of vodka (oh, that would be me… sorry!)

    My husband thought it would be a good idea to get me fake flowers and plants but my little cleanliness OCD made me want to dust the damn things petal by petal so I really wasn’t too upset when Ernie , The Terrorist Puppy decided to play his own game of fetch with them.

    But more power to you.. and hope your orchid doesn’t develop an infection, sunburn or H1N1 .. cause, yknow, that would really suck!!

    ~ Leese

  2. 2 justrun October 1, 2009 at 8:44 am

    I have killed many a well-intentioned orchid gift. They are not meant to live in Colorado, for one. And two, the way I tell my plants need water is when the tall one in the corner looks “droopy.” But if I ever move to the tropics, permanently or otherwise, look out, orchids!

  3. 3 peedee October 1, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Me = Black Thumb of Death.

  4. 4 Erin October 1, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Orchids are impossible. I have one (named Oma) and I thought she was dead but I left her brown stem in there and now she has a NEW stem that might possibly may be growing buds? But I still don’t appreciate the run-around she’s giving me.

  5. 5 Akilah Sakai October 1, 2009 at 10:31 am

    My house is lucky it has bushes out front which need no care at all, except a trim here or there.

  6. 6 Jenera October 1, 2009 at 11:00 am

    I love orchids but i have a hard enough time keeping my normal house plants alive. I’m sure I’d kill one within one day.

  7. 7 Kid Icarus October 1, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I can’t do flowers/plants/or humans….wait, maybe that last one was a lie. But honestly I scream waving my hands wildly while running in the other direction (think Kevin McCalister from Home Alone) when someone asks me to take care of their plants whilst away on vacation.

  8. 8 heatherslalaland October 1, 2009 at 11:09 am

    I normally kill all plants. I was convinced they hated me, probably for being a vegetarian. However, my friend gave me 2 pepper plants, 2 chilli pepper plants and a basil plant over a year ago. I water them everyday religiously, determined not to kill them. I have had heaps of peppers from all of the plants. In fact they were sprouting so much that I couldn’t keep up with them, even in winter! It gets quite cold in Scotland. I’m happy to say that my plants are still healthy and still bearing fruit. I’m really proud of myself and my little plants! All I can think is that I was doing it completely the wrong way before. Either that or the plants are resigned to my vegetarian status and are now convinced they won’t turn me into a meat-eater!

  9. 9 mrssoup October 1, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I’m so sorry…I looked at your Orchid and it died. Please forgive me! 😦

  10. 10 Abra Ebner October 1, 2009 at 11:13 am

    Lol…. My cats seem to think my purple clover looks better on the ground as well. That, and they think it’s awful tasty 😉 num num num. That’s why I turned to planting Jalepenos. They don’t touch those, come hell or high water…

  11. 11 Shannon October 1, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    I can’t keep plants alive either. I went through this thing in the spring where I suddenly found it necessary to take care of something and the next thing I knew I bought a Hibiscus tree and put it in my living room. somehow it has adapted to me and has managed to keep itself alive the few time I remember to water it. With those kind of instructions for an orchid…I would have thrown it out.

  12. 12 the Provident Woman October 1, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    I can’t keep plants alive either. It’s amazing my kids are still around and kicking. Luckily I live on food, so pretty much they have it made. Momma’s got to eat so making food I can do? But plants, yeah, we don’t get along.

  13. 13 eatingmachine October 1, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    i think orchids are designed to give ocd people something to focus on that’s not washing their hands. seriously, CATS come with fewer instructions than those suckers. and they can cuddle.

  14. 14 Bj In Dallas October 1, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    I’ve killed orchids, bromeliads, cactus, corn plants (supposedly the easiest non care plant there is) and here’s a tip for fall:

    If I walk past your beautiful fall mums that you have just put out on your porch or patio, they will die. I am the MUM KILLER.

    Hell, I even killed mint that grows like a weed….

    wonder why the mildew in my shower does so well??

  15. 15 Angelia October 1, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    My mom taught me to garden. She told me Orchids are the HARDEST. Why, oh why would Tim get THAT? What’s wrong with an Ivy to give you confidence? A Spider plant with no stripping pole? Even a little african voilet where you can pet the fuzzy leaves? GAH. Maybe your cat did you a favor. HA.

  16. 16 lifestartsnow October 1, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    i didn’t do plants either. until i moved to my apartment. i was determined to settle and be all like “normal” people are.

    a friend recommended a good and easy to understand plant book (sorry, german only) and i followed its instructions religiously – such as, only water when the plant is dry, to be determined by a oil test (stick your finger in, is it moist? no water needed. dry? water!)

    my (few) plants are still alive, they bore fruits this summer, and my chilies (like suggested up there) are a great return on investment.

    if you want something inside green, get a yucca. easy to handle and it can take direct sun (and won’t die in shade either). generally, all plants that come from a rougher climate (extensive heat for instance) are easier to take care of than those sissy-orchids.

    aside from those green success stories, i buy cut flowers if i feel like color. 😉

    franzi

  17. 17 mothermari October 1, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    The zoo around here would have them in….well it would not be good. Enjoyed looking over your site! Mind if I add you to my roll?

  18. 19 Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas October 1, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I bought an orchid for myself for Mother’s Day. You think keeping orchids alive in Georgia is bad? Try Vegas. It was in the trash by June. I still have my bamboo plant my mom gave me as a housewarming gift. I swear the cat uses it for dental floss, but I can never catch her.

  19. 20 Spot October 1, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    I am the total kiss of death to indoor plants. Which is ironic because my mother is the original green thumb. But I can kill anything I try to keep inside. Even aloe vera, which are supposed to be impossible to kill. Riiiight. So I only plant things outside and luckily for me, I live in the midwest so mother nature takes care of the whole “watering” thing. Or sometimes my son. But not me.

    Oh and I say boo to “buff-tober”! Why would you want to mess up a perfectly good month like October with self deprivation and forced perspiration? There are sucky months to do that in…like August. Seriously, who even likes August? Nothing good happens in August. Of course…Buff-gust doesn’t have quite the same ring. Oh well. Your call.

    Thanks for stopping by your blog…now that I found out how amusing you are, I’ll be a regular!

    ♥Spot

  20. 21 Elizabeth_K October 1, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Poor little orchid. I finally kept a plant alive — a bamboo I’d had for eight years. I was cleaning its home last weekend and shattered the vase. Then, my husband was helping me clean up the glass, didn’t see the plant (that I had carelessly left on the stairs) and stepped on it, snapping it clean in two. Sigh. Surely I’ll keep another plant alive someday. But an orchid? No way! Those are complex! I hope yours is alive …

  21. 22 Carolina Maine October 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    I love your flower photos! I can’t seem to keep plants alive. I did buy a mint plant the other day-we’ll see how long it lasts.

  22. 23 Lindsey October 1, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    Um, anything less than 75 degrees is cold in the GA. 😉

    (I totally have a fur baby named Kloie, too. Except obviously spelled different.)

  23. 24 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 2, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Okay, I didn’t even know what an orchid looked like before seeing your picture. I’m that bad. You know what’s even worse? I STILL have the pot that I killed my fern in sitting in the bathroom window. Void of any traces of a fern. Just dirt. Pretty pathetic. Don’t feel bad. At least you can blame the cat. I don’t even have a cat.
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  24. 25 Stone Fox October 2, 2009 at 12:31 am

    hmm. i am struggling to find something encouraging and positive to say about your…. orchid.

    wow, those leaves sure are a beautiful shade of green?

    you can hardly see the damage?

    in a few days nobody will notice?

    nice planter?

    ahhh.. i got nothin.

  25. 26 G October 2, 2009 at 4:59 am

    It seems like its faring okay. That the price you pay for trying to grow the pricey posey yourself instead of wandering over to your local pharmacy and ordering “summa those purdy orchids… and geddem fresh.”

  26. 27 Melinda October 5, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I Love orchids- and I have to tell you, your orchid is not dead, just spritz it every now and then- it will come back within 6 months or so. I have had some of my same orchids for years- it blooms for a while and then it loses it’s blooms but don’t worry it will come back 😀
    You only have to worry if the leaves turn brown, then it’s too late 😦


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