Out of all the candy that is stacked on shelf after shelf for Halloween, there is only one kind that I cannot resist.
Actually, I’ve given up the resisting.
Instead, I allow myself a single, regular sized bag (cause, you know they make monster-sized everything now).
It’s my one vice that I will never refuse.
And it MUST BE BRACH’S.
I am über particular about my candy corn…the same way some are with caviar or wine or chocolate.
There will be no “substitutions” or “new kinds” or “different varieties.”
There is only Brach’s.
Don’t ruin my once-a-year experience that causes me to salivate every time I think about those little tri-colored triangles.
Some lump candy corn into the same category as those disgusting circus peanuts.
I’ve got no shame for my obsession with candy corn.
But, I’m with you on the peanuts. The peanuts make me want to gag.
Anyhow, since I’ve been working from “home,” I do all the grocery shopping. And apparently August is the new October…and since AUGUST I’ve been avoiding the massive Halloween displays in the grocery store where my beloved candy corn sits, waiting for me…calling to me…begging me to bring it home to devour, piece by glorious piece.
But I refuse.
I turn my back on those ridiculous, nicey-nicey, smiley cardboard witches all, “You know, my pretty, you really need this candy TODAY and EVERY OTHER DAY YOU COME…even though I won’t tell you that if you do this, you’ll be ten pounds fatter by Halloween.”
It’s totally a principle thing.
Well, that and I would’ve already gone through like, twenty bags of candy corn.
But, on the whole principle matter – I refuse to buy anything “Halloween” until October…and I’m trying to hold out until the middle of the month instead of October 1. It was a massive battle this morning (Monday’s tend to be my “grocery shopping” day), being that we’re only a few days from my self-imposed line in the sand.
My brain was rationalizing all, “BUT EVERYONE WILL BUY IT AND THERE WON’T BE ANY LEFT BY OCTOBER! YOU HAVE TO GET SOME. TODAY. OR ELSE YOU’LL MISS OUT…AND YOU KNOW HOW MAD YOU’LL BE. TRUST ME. YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD BE LISTENING TO THOSE WITCHES…”
Then, as I sat in the store, about to have a mental breakdown, holding my candy corn bag, sweat beads forming on my forehead, looking like a crazy person mumbling to myself all, “It’s NOT OCTOBER…No…it isn’t…I just CHECKED MY PHONE…NO!…there are not 27 days in September…stupid…NO! I CANNOT DO IT!…” I remembered the secret location where the candy corn is always abundant.
I WAS SAVED.
I slammed the bag back down, almost toppling the entire display and knocking that bitchy witch on her ass, wheeled my cart around to check out, chuckling all, “I AM SO SMART. SO. DAMN. SMART…”
A tiny tip, from me to you, to avoid handing out miniature raisin boxes or those gross fruity-flavored tootsie rolls to trick-or-treaters that will guarantee your house will be egged or rolled and dubbed the “LAME HOUSE” … if you ever find youself on a Halloween-eve-candy-run-because-I-was-too-lazy-to-buy-any-before-the-mad-October 30th-dash, go to Walgreens. Or Rite Aid…or whatever pharmacy you’ve got nearby.
The good stuff may be $400 a bag, but they’ll be in stock.
Think of it as an investment. You’ll save yourself an eternity of cleaning up Halloween pranks and replacing slashed tires and avoiding a silent lifetime ban from all neighborhood parties.
And, another thing.
DEAR MAKERS AND SUPPLIERS OF CHRISTMAS TREES:
I’ve got an idea. How about we WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER before the artificial evergreens start coming out. I mean…if I see someone put up a tree in OCTOBER…I’m going to make fun of them.
And egg their house.
And put pink flamingoes with santa hats all over their lawn.