I think we’re all pretty clear on my severe aversion to little creepy crawlies.
If you’re not…well, here.
And at this moment, there is a really disgusting, slimy bug crawling across the wall. And instead of killing it so it doesn’t populate the house with its fifty-legged offspring, I vacated the room. If I can’t see it…it doesn’t exist.
Yes, I have a two-year-old mentality when it comes to these things. If I close my eyes and cover my ears and say “la la la” enough times, all the scary things just…disappear.
I’m also convinced if I try to smush the bugs…they’ll outsmart me and then jump onto my face and crawl up my nose or inside my ear and then my brain will turn into an insect nursery and I’ll start buzzing and Tim will be all, “I asked you a question and your response is ZZZ..MMM..BZZZ? WHAT IS THE DEAL, WOMAN?”
The bug guy came like, last week to spray around the outside of the house and now we have MORE BUGS than we did before he made his rounds. I swear it’s a conspiracy. The bug people set out food instead of detererants…so the bugs come in DROVES and therefore, the bug people STAY IN BUSINESS.
The conversation goes something like this:
Umm…Did your little bug man remove the actual problem? RE: THE BUGS?!? Cause now looks like our carpet is moving…in waves.
Huh? We just came out…shouldn’t have any bugs…but we’d be happy to come back, for a small fee, of course.
We just wait for the poison bait to disappear and then magically…SO DO THE BUGS.
And until that happens, I get to deal with things like last night’s GINORMOUS SPIDER.
We were watching TV…minding our own business…and out of nowhere Tim was all, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?”
I start looking around, thinking we’re about to get lambasted, all “WHAT THE HELL IS WHAT?? WHAT!? WHAT???”
Tim’s answer was to run into the kitchen, grab a maglite flashlight from the cabinet under the sink and then shine it at a spot on the ceiling…right above where I was sitting.
I follow the light up and see a huge, hairy spider and whispered all, “STOP! You’re making it angry! It’s going to retaliate and JUMP ON ME!
Tim: Yea, I think you’re right. It looks kinda pissed. You just might want to move.
I rocket off the chair over to the couch on the other side of the room to safety all, “you know, saying things like that only exacerbates my PHOBIA.”
Tim hands me the flashlight all, “DON’T LOSE IT” and left to get backup.
Me: Did you hear me? Exacerbate MY FEAR.
Tim: Good 25-cent word for 9:30 at night. I’m impressed. Exacerbate.
Spiders don’t bother him…which is why he’s in charge of extermination.
He continued to walk over to the closet and pulled out the vacuum, all, “It’s the only thing that’ll reach.”
Me: I don’t really care what you use. JUST HURRY UP! He’s formulating a plan and sonaring his friends. I CAN SEE IT.
Tim: JUST KEEP THE LIGHT ON HIM.
Me: I AM!
Tim stealthily made his way over to the fireplace with the vacuum, turned it on and took out the hose.
Me: HE’S MOVING! HURRY THE HELL UP!
Tim: JUST. KEEP. THE. LIGHT. ON. IT.
I think I screamed when Tim finally sucked it down the tube. It took like five minutes – that spider must have known the powers of the vacuum, cause it started scurrying away (yes, it was so big it could scurry) so Tim had to chase it with the tip of the hose.
When the spider finally disappeared down the tube, Tim yanked it down, keeping the vacuum on all, DID I GET IT??
I just sat there, wide-eyed and staring, still pointing the flashlight at the ceiling.
Tim: SWEETHEART! HELLOO…..SNAP OUT OF IT.
Me: IS IT DEAD? DID YOU GET IT?
Tim: I JUST SAID THAT. Were you not listening?
No. I was busy shining the light at the ceiling and going to my happy place.
He rolled the vacuum into the kitchen to inspect the canister in better lighting and then was all, “OH! There’s legs. I see legs! HE GOT SUCKED APART! SWEETIE! THE SPIDER WAS SUCKED APART!
Me: IS IT DEAD OR NOT?
Tim: Didn’t you hear me? SUCKED. APART. Legs. Splattered everywhere!
Me: So it’s dead?
So, yes. Dead.