remember? i don’t do bugs. that’s your job.

I think we’re all pretty clear on my severe aversion to little creepy crawlies.

If you’re not…well, here.

And at this moment, there is a really disgusting, slimy bug crawling across the wall. And  instead of killing it so it doesn’t populate the house with its fifty-legged offspring, I vacated the room.  If I can’t see it…it doesn’t exist.

Yes, I have a two-year-old mentality when it comes to these things. If I close my eyes and cover my ears and say “la la la” enough times, all the scary things just…disappear.

I’m also convinced if I try to smush the bugs…they’ll outsmart me and then jump onto my face and crawl up my nose or inside my ear and then my brain will turn into an insect nursery and I’ll start buzzing and Tim will be all, “I asked you a question and your response is ZZZ..MMM..BZZZ? WHAT IS THE DEAL, WOMAN?”

The bug guy came like, last week to spray around the outside of the house and now we have MORE BUGS than we did before he made his rounds. I swear it’s a conspiracy. The bug people set out food instead of detererants…so the bugs come in DROVES and therefore, the bug people STAY IN BUSINESS.

The conversation goes something like this:

Umm…Did your little bug man remove the actual problem? RE: THE BUGS?!? Cause now looks like our carpet is moving…in waves.

Huh? We just came out…shouldn’t have any bugs…but we’d be happy to come back, for a small fee, of course.

Exactly.

We just wait for the poison bait to disappear and then magically…SO DO THE BUGS.

And until that happens, I get to deal with things like last night’s GINORMOUS SPIDER.

We were watching TV…minding our own business…and out of nowhere Tim was all, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?”

I start looking around, thinking we’re about to get lambasted, all “WHAT THE HELL IS WHAT?? WHAT!? WHAT???”

Tim’s answer was to run into the kitchen, grab a maglite flashlight from the cabinet under the sink and then shine it at a spot on the ceiling…right above where I was sitting.

I follow the light up and see a huge, hairy spider and whispered all, “STOP! You’re making it angry! It’s going to retaliate and JUMP ON ME!

Tim: Yea, I think you’re right. It looks kinda pissed. You just might want to move.

MIGHT?!

I rocket off the chair over to the couch on the other side of the room to safety all, “you know, saying things like that only exacerbates my PHOBIA.”

Tim hands me the flashlight all, “DON’T LOSE IT” and left to get backup.

Me: Did you hear me? Exacerbate MY FEAR.

Tim: Good 25-cent word for 9:30 at night. I’m impressed. Exacerbate.

Spiders don’t bother him…which is why he’s in charge of extermination.

He continued to walk over to the closet and pulled out the vacuum, all, “It’s the only thing that’ll reach.”

Me: I don’t really care what you use. JUST HURRY UP! He’s formulating a plan and sonaring his friends. I CAN SEE IT.

Tim: JUST KEEP THE LIGHT ON HIM.

Me: I AM!

Tim stealthily made his way over to the fireplace with the vacuum, turned it on and took out the hose.

Me: HE’S MOVING! HURRY THE HELL UP!

Tim: JUST. KEEP. THE. LIGHT. ON. IT.

I think I screamed when Tim finally sucked it down the tube. It took like five minutes – that spider must have known the powers of the vacuum, cause it started scurrying away (yes, it was so big it could scurry) so Tim had to chase it with the tip of the hose.

When the spider finally disappeared down the tube, Tim yanked it down, keeping the vacuum on all, DID I GET IT??

I just sat there, wide-eyed and staring, still pointing the flashlight at the ceiling.

Tim: SWEETHEART! HELLOO…..SNAP OUT OF IT.

Me: IS IT DEAD? DID YOU GET IT?

Tim: I JUST SAID THAT. Were you not listening?

No. I was busy shining the light at the ceiling and going to my happy place.

He rolled the vacuum into the kitchen to inspect the canister in better lighting and then was all, “OH! There’s legs. I see legs! HE GOT SUCKED APART! SWEETIE! THE SPIDER WAS SUCKED APART!

Me: IS IT DEAD OR NOT?

Tim: Didn’t you hear me? SUCKED. APART. Legs. Splattered everywhere!

Me: So it’s dead?

Tim: LEGS!

So, yes. Dead.

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23 Responses to “remember? i don’t do bugs. that’s your job.”


  1. 1 Ken Kendall September 26, 2009 at 9:30 am

    I guess that’s what makes marriages great. We all have our strenths and weaknesses but as a couple we are always stronger if we work together.

    I write a blog about how men can better love their wives. I hope you and your husband will check it out.

    http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

    Thanks,

    • 2 Jessica September 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

      Ken Kendall: There is no “working together” with bugs. Tim disposes while I scream.

      judy: I agree with the whole circle of life…as long as they’re not INSIDE my life – i.e.: the house. Outside…that’s their territory and I’m happy to let them be.

      LB: hysterical. Were you screaming at it the whole time? If I’m FORCED to do something, I scream with every action. I stomp on it, I scream. I pick it up with thirty sheets of tissue, I scream…and so it goes.

      Breeza: Yea…I don’t do wings. It they fly, I leave. I’ve already been dive-bombed by a roach. That was enough.

      AmyAnne: I would have totally been doing the naked dance with you. I need to be 100% certain that NOTHING is touching my body. FULL inspection before I’m satisfied.

      Linnnn: WHAT?!? I’d be sleeping in a bubble. Did you read my Kauai story? Yes…they were THAT BIG…as big as you described…and it was like, devising ways to torture me…like stay in the shadows to make it look bigger. I figure it’s Tim’s karma going down the toilet. I just yell. He’s the disposer. That can’t be too bad, right?

      Ariel: I think you’re on to something there with the existing….that and litter box cleaners and trash-taker-outers.

      peedee: ROACHES. Oh….I don’t do roaches. No….My mom and I tried to kill one once…it flew right at my face. I have an issue with something that can survive a nuclear bomb…

      Lawgirl: My sentiments exactly. Inside is MINE. You’ve got the ENTIRE UNIVERSE outside of these four walls. Fair’s fair.

      Belle: I can so see you doing that…and had you and I ever been in the same room – our rescuers better draw straws or something…cause one of them will have to fix the problem while we’re hysterical screaming.

      crnnoel: Funny how big an impact bugs have…ugh! They’re just so…gross.

      thebakerbee: Really? He’s the one that’s afraid? More power to you. I’m totally impressed, Mrs. Spider Exterminator.

      Angelia: (holding) Mice are freaky little things that have like, ten billion babies…and skitter everywhere….oooo…no thanks.

      G: I’m calling you next time I’ve got a bug issue.

      Stasha: No, definitely doesn’t make you bad. We use “green” chemicals…and even asked the bug people to do the same…maybe that’s why it isn’t working…Tim’s mom is all about “green” stuff…so that’s where Tim gets it from…and I like to be nice to the environment…I just have an issue when the environment starts invading MY SPACE. By the way, your business…SO COOL – lame word, I know…but I never thought that was actually a JOB. Wish I would’ve thought of that…

      FB: Snakes go into an entirely different category. Spiders I can look at and still remain semi-calm. Snakes…snakes literally send me on a downward spiral where I need oxygen and lots of bright lights…just PICTURES of snakes send me off the deep end.

      morethananelectrician: As long as they can’t regenerate bodies, I think we’re ok. 🙂

  2. 3 judy September 26, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Okay, so my husband does take care of the spiders, but I don’t let him kill them because I’m all circle-of-lifey and they eat some really yucky bugs like earwigs and silverfish. At least that’s what I tell him. But really, I think if I kill them, all their friends and family will invade, take me out spidery-execution style.

    Phobia? Yeah. I get that.

  3. 4 LB @Wait, She Said What? September 26, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Ok, this is exactly how it would have gone if it were me except no one would have had to TELL me to move. I would have been like a bat out of hell from the spot! Plus anytime it moved I would have started hyperventalating just in case it did that creepy drop down thing so you almost lose it. Ahh!! This post/comment is making me paranoid and creeped out. Excuse me while I go make sure there aren’t any spiders around.

    Oh and to your theory that the spider will attack you, it so totally will. I even wrote a post about it. I named it “blogging while hyperventilating is probably a bad idea,” and the reason was because IT TOUCHED ME!
    http://waitshesaidwhat.blogspot.com/2009/08/blogging-while-hyperventilating-is.html

    Ok I’m officially freaked out all over again.

  4. 5 Breeza September 26, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I would have done the exact same thing. Spiders and other bugs freak me out. Especially the ones that can fly or build webs or anything else creepy!

  5. 6 AmyAnne September 26, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    My husband likes to retell the story about how, early in our marriage, in our hot little upstairs (this will be relevant) apartment I once came home and sat down at the desk only to suddenly jump up and rip off all of my clothes. I had seen a spider & then lost sight of it, sure that it had decided to attack & lead its followers into my clothes where they would devour me slowly & tortuously. In my defense it was 100+ outside & we didn’t have air conditioning. I needed to cool down somehow.

  6. 7 Linnnn September 26, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    It’s Florida here. I frequently hear the soft “tick, tick, — tick, tick, tick – scurrrrrry,” of dinner-plate sized arachnids (There ya go Tim, exacerbate THAT!)as they traverse the bedroom ceiling at night in the flippin’ dark. Catch these freaks of tropical nature in a maglite beam and they jump aggressively forward in a blur of eight-legged alien horror, challenging like drunken hairy wind-up toys from Planet 9. And yet, with plastic cup and a paper plate I still catch and release. Trying hard not to irritate my already shaky karma.

  7. 8 Ariel September 26, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    My husband is my bug killer, but my phobia is kicked up a notch when spiders are involved. I will freak the eff out when a spider is near. I’m glad men exist for this sole purpose 😉

  8. 9 peedee September 26, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Spiders are NOT the bane of my existance. Cockroaches and Palmetto bugs exist to terrorize me on a continual basis. IF I ever left Florida the number 1 reason will be: Bugs. I flippen hate them. I fight epic battles with bugs. God forbide a roach should even touch me. I’ll be insane asylum bound for sure.

    Alas, I wrote a post about it too…I spent over an hour one night outside my front door because of one…

    http://queenofthedogs.blogspot.com/2009/06/epic-battle-with-bug.html

    I feel your pain.

  9. 10 Lawgirl September 26, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    I feel the same way. I take spray bleach and attack (if The Vet isn’t home), then scoop them up with a paper towel and down the toilet they go. All the while I am screaming, I don’t share!! They can stay outside – that is their world. Mine is inside!

  10. 11 Stone Fox September 26, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    i was going to leave a giant comment, but i think i will write a post about it instead. stay tooned.

  11. 12 Belle September 26, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Thank you for making me itchy!
    My preferred method of handling bugs is to stand on a chair and scream someone else’s name. If no one is home, grab the phone and THEN stand on a chair.

  12. 13 crnnoel September 26, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    I feel the same exact way about bugs!!! Oh my goodness!!!
    The whole legs thing is making me nauseous… haha 🙂

  13. 14 thebakerbee September 26, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Similar things happen in my house… except for I am the exterminator because Hubby is deathly afraid of spiders. 😉

  14. 15 Angelia September 26, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    I have Wolf spiders the size of my palm in my back yard, wonder how many babies they spawn? It’s like the spider mafia. I don’t mess with those mean muthers. Now inside? If I see you, you die, simple as that. It’s a tough job but someones got to do it. Now the mice family that moved into my garage? (shudder) Horror story, I don’t want to re-live! (hold me)

  15. 16 G September 26, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    Bugs? Ain’t no thing.
    Back in the old country, we were shooting lizards with BB guns. They’d crawl all over the walls and poop everywhere. Oh and the roaches too.

  16. 17 Stasha September 27, 2009 at 7:08 am

    Hi Jessica,

    Been enjoying your blog, especially the “1st Christmas with Tim’s family.” 🙂 It appears we have a few things in common.

    Thanks for the visit over to The Dogged Pursuit and I hope to see you there again some time. I certainly plan to keep up with yours. Also, LOVE Tim’s photography. Please ask him to keep up the good work and please keep posting them.

    As for this post, I’ll admit, we’re a bit selective when dealing out the death to intruders. We’ll “rescue” the spiders or lizards but show no mercy to any roach (aka palmetto bug) that dares defy our pest control, completely un-green, chemical poison potions. I don’t think that makes us bad people, does it?

    All the best,
    S

  17. 18 FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com September 27, 2009 at 8:58 am

    For me, the worst are snakes. Bugs I can deal with, as long as they don’t crawl into my ear .. which has thankfully never happened.

  18. 19 morethananelectrician September 27, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Uh…spiders can regenerate legs.

  19. 20 Leese September 27, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Ok..

    Because I live in the “suburbs” :: I use that term loosely :: there are bugs out here that look NOTHING like the bugs I grew up with in the inner city. So.. I made a deal with them.

    As long as I don’t SEE them, they can stay .. but once they cross that line into YEP.. I’M JUST GOING TO MEANDER DIAGONALLY ACROSS THE WALL THAT YOUR HUSBAND SWEARS WAS PAINTED TOASTED ALMOND BUT REALLY LOOKS LIKE A SICK VERSION OF A CREAMCICLE .. then they’re done. Squished.. Sprayed with hairspray to freeze them before they’re squished.. whatever but they die.

    Fortunately.. I don’t freak out over bugs. My husband doesn’t either unless it’s a spider. Could be one the size of a pinhead.. don’t matter.. the man will squeal like a bitch and catapult 50 ft in less then a nano-second.

    So yea.. it’s fun and I SO sympathize with you!!

  20. 21 les@mamaneeds2rant September 27, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    EEEK! I’m so with you on the horrible bug thing!!!

  21. 22 TheUndomesticatedHousewife September 28, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    It’s true… Spider’s totally want revenge. And here in the Philippines they are bigger and angrier…

    http://www.theundomesticatedhousewife.com/2009/08/spider-revenge.html

  22. 23 bevchen September 30, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    This post is hilarious!! Although, if I’d been in your position I would have been just as terrified. The only thing that’s worse than spiders is wasps.


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