ex-boyfriends are ex’s for a damn good reason…like a goose

Another lifetime ago, I was a pet sitter.

Ok, so it was only six years ago. It still feels like a lifetime.

Anyhow, the job title came from an ex-boyfriend who always had “GREAT IDEAS” but didn’t want to do like, any WORK to bring those ideas to fruition.

Apparently, that’s what a girlfriend was for.

He just wanted to be the “idea person” and then have me execute them, even if I was all, “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

And I say IDEAS because in the two short years we were together, I made zen water fountains out of rocks and bamboo to sell to places like the Hallmark store, partially set up a “fax ad” business to send those really annoying “GO TO MEXICO FOR FREE!” ads to millions of fax machines, participated in a summer lawn mowing gig where I mowed EVERY SINGLE DAMN LAWN and finally, ran a pet sitting business.

The pet sitting actually took off – more so than I planned – and had me up at the crack ass of dawn, forcing pills down sick cats, feeding horses while trying not to get pummeled by their hooves, walking dogs with more issues than their owners – one figured out how to un-attach its collar from the leash, took off and stole a bone from another dog, who was sitting in his yard, minding his own business.

My retarded charge ran off, turned around fifty yards later, giant bone in its mouth, tail wagging furiously, eyeing me all, “GOTCHA, DUMBASS!”  Another wouldn’t eat OR drink unless told to do so repeatedly while in a quiet room with no distractions or objects on the floor other than his bowls…I had to feed squirrels and clean out bird cages…

And then there was Renee.

Renee the goose.

A family who owned two daschunds and a goose called and requested our my services while they went on vacation.

I shit you not.

They had a pet goose.

Renee stayed in a pen outside, next to the kids play set. When the wife showed me Renee, it was like a completely normal thing to her. Renee even came inside and sat on the couch and watched movies with the family.

Her wings were not clipped, so she could fly away if she ever had a desire to be part of the “flying V” – but she stayed. Apparently she prefered the posh life with cushy furniture where she didn’t have to hunt for food and fend off attackers.  

Part of my “duties” other than scooping out all the poo from her pen and feeding her, was to let Renee waddle around the yard.

Well, Renee liked to do more than just “waddle around” with me. She more like flew around while I was all, “RENEE! STAY HERE! FOLLOW ME! JUST DON’T FLY AWAY, DAMMIT!”

The owners told me if she started flying to start walking the other direction and she’d follow me like a duckling would its mom.

Well, Renee must have seen me as the mean, scary aunt, cause she didn’t follow. EVER.

I was also supposed to allow Renee to swim in the massive, expansive lake at the edge of their backyard.

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with that, but Renee didn’t really care what I thought and would waddle over and plop herself down into the water, completely out of my reach, mingling and gossiping with the other geese and paddle around while I sat at the edge, panicking all, “WHAT IF SHE JUST DECIDES TO…I DON”T KNOW…SWIM AWAY WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND?”

Getting her out of the water was near impossible. I toyed with the idea of diving in and plucking Renee out but was afraid if I lost my visual on her by jumping in, I’d pick up the wrong goose and then get a call a few weeks later all, “Umm..where is Renee? This isn’t our goose. Our goose likes to watch TV. This one is chasing our dogs.”

I was finally able to coax her out with an entire slice of white bread – apparently her vice – and then I had to carry her back to the pen.

She fought me the whole way, honking all “HELL NO, WOMAN! PUT ME DOWN! I WASN’T FINISHED PREENING!”

Picking up an angry goose…not fun. To top it off, she had every single animal living in that yard against me. The squirrels would throw acorns and pecans at my head while she was squawking all, “MAYDAY MAYDAY! FIRE ALL NUTS! FIRE ALL NUTS!” and the other ducks and geese would dive bomb my face and run around my ankles to try and hinder my efforts.

I came to the conclusion after the fourth visit that Renee was a spoiled little brat who was used to doing anything she damn well pleased.

And that’s why she hated me.

I made her follow directions.


23 Responses to “ex-boyfriends are ex’s for a damn good reason…like a goose”

  1. 1 Peggy Nolan September 25, 2009 at 10:41 am


    Jessica – that was hysterical!



    • 2 Jessica September 26, 2009 at 7:35 am

      Peggy: You should’ve been there… 🙂

      peedee: Yes…definitely not funny at the time…but I can laugh about it now.

      LB: It would’ve been like, America’s Funniest Videos worthy.

      Jenera: Me either. I’ve never seen another pet goose…EVER.

      Daphne: My pleasure. 🙂

      thebakerbee: They did. Apparently the only people on the planet who thought that would be a good idea.

      Heather: So true regarding cats…ours are that way. I know they’re out of food because they actually come to me and rub against my legs all, “Please? I Loooove YOU!” and then I feed them and they disappear again.

      Kara: So THAT’S what it feels like. Well, at least I’m prepared. 🙂

      franzi: If I could go back in time and film it…I would. I really would.

      Ariel: Really? That’s only the second person EVER that I’ve heard of that had a goose…

      Shannon: You get unruly kids…I had a bratty goose. Definitely think they’re equal offenders… 🙂

      Shelly: It did. Very much so. Like…monumentally. Good thing, too. Cause I married him.

      Angelia: Funny, I know. 🙂 ….now, anyway.

      les: Actually, I walked out – literally. So I have no idea what happened to all the dough…which is totally unfair, I know – but worth it in the end. 🙂

  2. 3 peedee September 25, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Goooooooooood Post girl!!! LMAO!! Its so not funny when its happening to you, but Gosh Damn it makes for great stories later!!

  3. 4 LB @Wait, She Said What? September 25, 2009 at 11:18 am

    This was too funny! I suddenly wish someone caught all this on tape.

  4. 5 Jenera September 25, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Hilarious! I can just picture you wrangling a goose. Though I still can’t figure why someone would keep one as a pet.

  5. 6 Daphne September 25, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Wow, that’s a hilarious story, Jessica. Thanks for sharing!

  6. 7 thebakerbee September 25, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Seriously, who has a pet goose?

  7. 8 Heather September 25, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Hahaha. That’s too funny. I love the image of the goose squawking ‘fire all nuts, fire all nuts’. Mind you she sounds exactly like pet cats. Cantankerous and doing whatever the hell they please, until the mood suits them to be submissive i.e. I want food! Although the goose would be more of a handful I’d imagine. 😀

  8. 9 Kara September 25, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    And NOW you know what it feels like to be a parent who puts restrictions on their kid! Only, other little kids can throw acorns much, much harder than squirrels can.

  9. 10 lifestartsnow September 25, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    ok, i wish there was a picture of you fighting that spoilt goose 🙂


  10. 11 Ariel September 25, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    I know someone who had a pet goose, she was the same way! All sense of entitlement when you’re not following a flock I suppose.

  11. 12 Shannon September 25, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    WOW! That is funny. I’m going to have Dustin read this. He has an actual phobia of birds and more than anything hates geese. One time at the zoo a baby Angelena was being attacked by a peacock and instead of dear old dad coming to save the day he was running in the other direction practically pissing himself. A flapping goose on the couch may not work out so well. You just made my job seem a little better today:)

  12. 13 Shelly September 25, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    LMAO! I would bet your taste in men vastly improved and that you would never name a pet Renee.

  13. 15 les@mamaneeds2rant September 25, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Sounds like that ex-boyfriend was a spoiled little brat, too, like Renee. Since you did all the work, I hope you didn’t split the pay with him!

    And what kind of a name is Renee for a goose?

  14. 16 Pammy Girl September 26, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    When I was a kid, we lived near a duck pond that housed Bruce the Goose. NO ONE liked this creature. He even scared the shit out of the college kids and the professors on campus. Bruce would chase me and my sister if we ever crossed his territory but he never attacked us… until one night. A friend was over and apparently she pissed him off.

    Keep in mind I was only 5, so I watched helplessly as he attacked her, stole this stupid whistle of mine that she was playing with and then jumped on her back and victoriously flapped his wings. He pecked and her and I’m pretty sure he pooped on her, too. My dad and her dad came flying around the corner and if PETA knew what they did, I’m sure there would be an ad campaign denouncing them as geese haters.

    Sure it’s funny now but I’m still freaked out by geese. And I hate the name Bruce.

  15. 18 Bushlings August 29, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Oh my goodness I’m DYING! LOL!!!

    But you’re so right. Some exes aren’t really an X. They are a Y. Like Y the hell did I ever go there?!

    • 19 Jessica August 30, 2011 at 9:07 am

      True story…sometimes I wish I was making it up! And yes. Y did I even go there?!?!?!?! I am still asking myself that… Thanks for stopping in! Hope to see you around soon! 🙂

  1. 1 my name? shit. ask me something else. « booshy Trackback on October 11, 2009 at 4:27 pm
  2. 2 i stopped making plans in college « booshy Trackback on October 23, 2009 at 8:56 am
  3. 3 any other path…like that astronaut one…and i wouldn’t even know him. « booshy Trackback on October 24, 2009 at 7:48 am
  4. 4 my obsession: those guys in the tiny shorts « booshy Trackback on August 29, 2011 at 11:15 am

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