it will be in my stomach for like, ten years

I’ve boycotted fast food.

It used to be something  I ate fairly frequently – but it all stopped in college when it finally dawned on me that there was cause and effect with food. As in, I eat fat, I get fat. Quality over quantity…or something like that.

My college basketball coach would ALWAYS stop at Wendy’s after games. I don’t know what was so magical about that place.

We had our theories…one that always came up was that Wendy’s was Coach’s favorite and she just up and decided that since she was driving, she got to pick. No democracy here…more like a dictatorship.

It became the running joke. Wait…let me guess…WENDY’S!

I would get a baked potato or salad EVERY SINGLE TIME instead of stuffing my gut with grease…along with a Frosty.  I’ll always love Frosty’s.

Those don’t count.

Once, Coach got so tired of hearing our collective complaining that she pulled into a ‘Flying J’ truck stop all, “Get out. This is where we’re eating. Like it or starve.”

We looked around at each other while we were still on the bus like, “She’s joking, right?”

When she hopped off and started walking in, we were all, “SERIOUSLY?….SERIOUSLY?? We have to eat HERE??”

We did. In the little restaurant. Just picture a basketball team, complete with trainers and coaches mingling with truckers amongst the greasy smell of fried everything.

If you’re wondering how it was…I took one look at the food-stained menu and walked myself into the grocery/gas station portion where they sell everything from coffee mugs to hemoroid cream and bought pre-packaged food to eat instead.

Eventually, I started scoping out other, nearby options whenever we pulled up to our typical post-game dive. I once walked across five lanes of traffic, dodging cars in the dark,  just to get to a Subway. I had about five other teammates follow after me once they saw where I was going.


You know, I was thinking I’m tired of Wendy’s and there’s a better, less greasy option RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.


Yeah…that was the last time THAT happened.

And so began my packing of edible food for every trip.

Anyway, the whole point to this is…I asked Tim yesterday what he wanted for dinner and he’s all, “I have a craving for McDonald’s.” 

More specifically, a quarter pounder with cheese and french fries craving.

When he said it, I was all, “I cannot believe I am saying this…but I could actually go for that right now. I haven’t had fast food in…it’s probably been at least a decade.”

So, his job was to pick up the artery clogging meal on his way home from work and I had to go get Oreos (the other half of the craving).

As the afternoon wore on, the more I thought about McDonald’s, the more my brain kept saying to me, “BAD IDEA. DON’T DO IT. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME.”

You wanna know about the last time? My stomach and intestines revolted on me and subsequently caused a massive explosion in the toilet.

Apparently, that one visual was enough. I ended up going to the grocery store and buying Tim a pack of Oreos along with ingredients to make myself a reuben (here’s the recipe I used…it was AMAZING…if you like reubens).

I have no idea why I decided on a reuben…the last time I had one was probably two years ago. I just started looking up sandwich recipes and came across a reuben and was all, “THAT WOULD BE GOOD….”

I won’t lie. I DID eat a few french fries and had ONE BITE of Tim’s burger.

And it tasted EXACTLY THE SAME as it did when I was ten, sitting on the floor in front of the couch, watching Rugrats and Ahhh! Real Monsters, eating my McDonald’s.

I was told once that McDonald’s french fries never biodegrate…never get digested…never rot. 

They sit in their long, yellow slender shape forever.

I’ve never tested the theory…but I’m inclined to agree.

And now, I get to enjoy the sensation of the indigestible fake-potato sticks shooting out of my ass in full form…only to be flushed and then sit in the sewer forever…unless a rat sees it bobbing up and down in the untreated water and snatches it out for a midday snack.

That was a disgusting mental image, wasn’t it?

This is why I don’t eat fast food.

The brain starts to go down a slippery slope…

…see what I mean?


26 Responses to “it will be in my stomach for like, ten years”

  1. 1 Anne Dewvall September 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    what vivid imagery ; )

    • 2 Jessica September 25, 2009 at 8:46 am

      I’ve been like, a total slacker responding to your lovely comments. My bad. It’s like, mulligan WEEK I think…do you guys and (mostly, if not all) gals enjoy my responses? Do you even read them? I mean, if you don’t it’s perfectly fine…I guess I just need to know if I’m speaking to the air…I’ll pretend I’m not and do one, big, long response:

      Anne Dewvall: Just be glad you weren’t on the receiving end of that imagery. 🙂

      backstripe: WOW that is enough sodium to like…preserve an entire bison. I don’t know how I’d handle diabetes…an old friend of mine had type 1 and she had to watch what she ate like a hawk…or just take extra insulin to offset the sugar. Lastly – thank you. Glad you’re enjoying all of my follies…:)

      franzi: I have seen Supersize Me and was totally grossed out. That was one brave dude…I don’t think I could’ve done it – his body was probably in shock based on the “results” – both internal and external. You’ve been a vegetarian for 14 years? WOW! What made you decide to go that route?

      Shannon: What is Taco Johns? I don’t think I’ve even seen one of those. I completely agree on feeding kids the right things. Tim and I have already figured out how ours will eat (mostly organic, definitely as natural and fresh as possible) before they’re even BORN…and fast food will be like…well, rare if we go Tim’s way…none if it was a perfect world but I don’t think I’ll be able to shield them from it forever…

      Hay: I tried being a vegetarian…lasted a few years…but sometimes I crave meat. Not very often though. I think those vegetarian days cured me from being a carnivore. I rarely eat red meat – even hamburgers we make are turkey or chicken…and I think it’s my stomach that has the willpower. Definitely not my brain 🙂

      justrun: Chick-fil-a…of how I love them…the chicken biscuits…SO GOOD. But, I avoid them, too. If we ever go I get the grilled chicken sandwich…no delicious waffle fries, either…I’m so boring. 🙂

      Linnnn: I never thought about that…but you are so right. And that is too funny. Can’t you just see a spoof with Egyptians coming to the future, holding up the quarter pounder, cheering the new-found miracle? If only they knew…

      Ariel: I was DESPERATE for something else. Obviously. 🙂

      Stone Fox: Exactly. Neither do dipped cones. They get their own, special category.

      peedee: I’m thinking you need to ressurect that idea…Halloween is just around the corner and that’d be AWESOME. Who was going to be Krumm? It’d be kinda hard to trick-or-treat or hold a drink at a party when you’ve got your eyeballs to hold onto…

      Elizabeth_K: Really? Their meat is organic? I’ve seen Chiptole’s around here but have never been to one – what’s good there?

      Nona: Oh! Those are the WORST! The scary thing…is that they’re still crispy! How that’s possible…I have no idea. The reuben…you really should have one. It was SO, SO good…

      Breeza: Dicks? Here, that’s a sporting goods store…so funny how names mean totally different things on opposite sides of the country 🙂

      Erin: I am convinced that fast food across the pond is better than here. They look nicer…they’re cleaner…and I guarantee you they use better ingredients…just my own personal theory…

  2. 3 backstripe September 24, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Reubens are wunnerful, wunnerful.

    But — even with your imagery, I will continue to give myself the once-a-month visit to McD’s for a large fry….

    I don’t care what they put in’em, or what their half-life is.

    Living with type II die-a-beet-tease, I am constantly counting carbs and avoiding things I love — bread, rice, bread, potatoes, bread, — well, you get the gist.

    Fries — Macky-Dee’s — once a month — sodium, fat, and a gazillion grams of carbs — until I get tired of them (or until my A1C becomes uncontrollable)…

    …. I really enjoy reading your blog ….

  3. 4 lifestartsnow September 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    have you seen “supersize me”? now that’s a lesson to learn for anyone who enjoys fast food.

    mc d’s fries make me sick! and i like fries a lot. at most other places and restaurants. but i think the mc d ones really do not biodegrade. yuck yuck yuck.


  4. 5 Shannon September 24, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    The last time I had McDonalds was about 8 years ago and that exact same thing happened to me. My stomach revolted heavily. We don’t do grease/fast food either. Subways, yes. When we do crave some form of crap it is Taco Johns. I also HATE people who feed their kids Mc’ds every week because they are SO busy. Angelena hasn’t ate it and I’m sure she won’t die because of it. I could do a whole lecture on obesity and kids with fast food.:) I’ll jump off the soap boz now:)

  5. 6 Hay September 24, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I must confess, that even after three years as a vegetarian, and a year as a vegan, I still crave a quarter pounder now and then.

    These days my takeaways consist of vegetable chop suey on white rice.

    You have super will power!

  6. 7 justrun September 24, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    I have not had fast food in years for the same reason. Except occasionally Chick-fil-A, because I tell myself it’s better. And they’re just so polite and Christian about the whole thing, which cancels out all the frying, don’t you think?

  7. 8 Linnnn September 24, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Our bodies, having absorbed a crapload of salt and preservatives from fast food, specifically those devil fries, will be dug up by erstwhile archaeologists in 2000 years and they will marvel at our outstanding skill at mummification. “Look, the colon in this one looks like it was functioning just yesterday!” Ancient Egyptian mummy makers are spinning in their sarcophagi wishing they’d have had quarter pounders and big macs to pre-enbalm their subjects! It’d been a whole lot less work.

  8. 9 lifestartsnow September 24, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    @Hay those cravings are more than normal! i am starting my 14th year as vegetarian in december and boy, do i still crave meat sometimes. usually when i walk into one of my friend’s home and they’ve been cooking i go “smells great! what is it?” and it turns out to be a meat dish. bummer.

    but 14 years…you can’t just give that up for one little craving…


  9. 10 backstripe September 24, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    … actually, there’s much more sodium in one of their ‘burgers than the fries … check out

    1190 mg of sodium in the Q’Pounder, “only” 350 in the large fries….

    The angus bacon w/cheese has over 2000 mg sodium,a whopping 790 calories, and 63 grams of carbs…

  10. 11 Ariel September 24, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    wow @ that image.

    I’m a fast food JUNKIE, but in my attempts to lose weight I try to stick to subway. Not sure if I would dodge 5 lanes of traffic for it though!

  11. 12 Stone Fox September 24, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    macdonalds = garbage. i cannot eat at a restaurant that smells like it’s own shitcan.

    if frosty’s don’t count, then neither do blizzards. score.

  12. 13 peedee September 24, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Umm, I do a MickeyD’s Cheeseburger without onions and a medium fry at least once a month. Its a craving that I give into. 0_o Cant help it. And whats with Nazi Coaches in college?? My college softball coach was the same way. Whatever she wanted, we got, like it or not.

    But what I’d really like to point out here is that I totally screamed/smiled OMG!!! when I read the Ahhh, Real Monsters reference. One Of My Favorites!!! My daughter and I where gonna be Ickis and Krumm for Halloween one year, but alas it never came to fruition. pooh. It woulda been great. =D

  13. 14 Elizabeth_K September 24, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    The image is a … vivid one. I don’t eat a lot of fast food, except Chipotle (which I think is partially owned by McDonalds). I’ll eat Chipotle any day — their meat is even fair treated and organic — but I just eat a black bean burrito and am very, very happy. Glad your reuben was excellent …

  14. 15 Nona September 24, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Have you ever found a French fry under your car seat? No idea how long it’s been there, but it looks exactly like it did the day it missed your mouth on it’s way from the bag? Yeah. They are tasty, but very likely toxic. And I’ve consumed a lot of them over the years.

    I now have an unbelievable craving for a Rueben.

  15. 16 Breeza September 24, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I’ve never heard that before but it sure makes me not want to eat at McDonalds ever again! I will enjoy In n Out for another week and then quit fries unless I go to a restaurant or Dick’s in seattle.

  16. 17 Erin September 25, 2009 at 4:11 am

    I’m not ashamed to admit that I love fast food. We so rarely get it here in Germany that when I do eat it, I have the same gut-exploding reaction. And I don’t care, it’s so worth it to me 🙂 In fact, McDonald’s is sounding AWESOME right now…

  17. 18 peedee September 25, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Ummm, I’d totally be Krumm. Cause he was fabulous!! And I’ll just pop one of my eyeballs “in my mouth” when I want to hold a drink… 0_o

    And yes, I read comments and look forward to responses. *Sometimes* the comments on blogs are nearly as funny as the blog. =)

  18. 19 Heather September 25, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    @lifestartsnow and @hay I’ve been a veggie for 23 years now, and I still get cravings for a burger. It was pretty bad a few months ago, I was craving meat desperately, but after about a month it passed. I think I was needing vitamins, but I was ill so it’s natural.

    Great story Jessica! I will never ever ever crave a McDonalds, ever. I never step foot inside that evil empire and have never allowed my daughter to, who is 17.

    The nearest I get to junk food is kind of what you call fries, only they’re much thicker – we call them chips. They’re delicious but can only be eaten now and again. It’s true, your body gets used to eating healthy and will reject all else. Thankfully! PS I’ve followed you on twitter but my name is ImajicArt on there 😀

  19. 20 Shannon September 25, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    OH MY! Apparently Taco JOhns only exists more around here. It is like a taco Bell but better because I dont eat Taco Bell either. And I like your responses and always check back:)

  20. 21 les@mamaneeds2rant September 25, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Mmmm. A Reuben. Much better choice than the bland old burger.

  21. 22 lifestartsnow September 26, 2009 at 10:06 am

    well, i read your replies. because i have no life so i need to have “comment-conversations” lol. it’s actually not that pathetic.

    yup, veggie for 14 years and counting. but imo there are people who need meat and those who just dont’t. i don’t have to have meat and even as a kid never ate much meat. so i just stopped one year, a few days before christmas (which in meat terms is what thanksgiving turkey is for americans).
    it certainly wasn’t easy and like i said, i still have my cravings but it’s not worse than my chocolate cravings 😉


  22. 23 Pammy Girl September 26, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    You probably shouldn’t eat broccoli or corn, either. I’ve barfed up entire stalks and whole pieces of corn. How’s THAT for imagery?

  23. 25 Hayley Keen September 27, 2009 at 5:29 am

    Awesome read.

    Yes I crave fast food and yes I indulge sometimes. I made a recent commitment to cut it down, having spent a couple of months indulging once a week!

    Why? Because it’s fast! Wrong! That’s just an excuse.

    What’s faster than toast? Even if you have to go and buy the bread and butter or margarine… I know an apple! People grab a packet of potato chips or a chocolate bar because it’s quicker but we all know an apple doesn’t have to be opened.

    Thanks Jessica; for re-enforcing my commitment 🙂

    • 26 Jessica September 27, 2009 at 12:25 pm

      Hayley Keen: Glad I could be of some help. And, you’re right. An apple is MUCH faster. For some reason, that just doesn’t pop into most people’s minds as a good option. Re-training…that’s all it is. 🙂

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