I’ve boycotted fast food.
It used to be something I ate fairly frequently – but it all stopped in college when it finally dawned on me that there was cause and effect with food. As in, I eat fat, I get fat. Quality over quantity…or something like that.
My college basketball coach would ALWAYS stop at Wendy’s after games. I don’t know what was so magical about that place.
We had our theories…one that always came up was that Wendy’s was Coach’s favorite and she just up and decided that since she was driving, she got to pick. No democracy here…more like a dictatorship.
It became the running joke. Wait…let me guess…WENDY’S!
I would get a baked potato or salad EVERY SINGLE TIME instead of stuffing my gut with grease…along with a Frosty. I’ll always love Frosty’s.
Those don’t count.
Once, Coach got so tired of hearing our collective complaining that she pulled into a ‘Flying J’ truck stop all, “Get out. This is where we’re eating. Like it or starve.”
We looked around at each other while we were still on the bus like, “She’s joking, right?”
When she hopped off and started walking in, we were all, “SERIOUSLY?….SERIOUSLY?? We have to eat HERE??”
We did. In the little restaurant. Just picture a basketball team, complete with trainers and coaches mingling with truckers amongst the greasy smell of fried everything.
If you’re wondering how it was…I took one look at the food-stained menu and walked myself into the grocery/gas station portion where they sell everything from coffee mugs to hemoroid cream and bought pre-packaged food to eat instead.
Eventually, I started scoping out other, nearby options whenever we pulled up to our typical post-game dive. I once walked across five lanes of traffic, dodging cars in the dark, just to get to a Subway. I had about five other teammates follow after me once they saw where I was going.
When we got back with our subs, Coach was all, “I CANNOT AFFORD FOR HALF OF MY STARTERS TO GET HIT BY A MAC TRUCK AND BE ON THE INJURED LIST! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?”
You know, I was thinking I’m tired of Wendy’s and there’s a better, less greasy option RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
DAMN, WOMAN. AREN’T ATHLETES SUPPOSED TO EAT HEALTHY?
Yeah…that was the last time THAT happened.
And so began my packing of edible food for every trip.
Anyway, the whole point to this is…I asked Tim yesterday what he wanted for dinner and he’s all, “I have a craving for McDonald’s.”
More specifically, a quarter pounder with cheese and french fries craving.
When he said it, I was all, “I cannot believe I am saying this…but I could actually go for that right now. I haven’t had fast food in…it’s probably been at least a decade.”
So, his job was to pick up the artery clogging meal on his way home from work and I had to go get Oreos (the other half of the craving).
As the afternoon wore on, the more I thought about McDonald’s, the more my brain kept saying to me, “BAD IDEA. DON’T DO IT. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME.”
You wanna know about the last time? My stomach and intestines revolted on me and subsequently caused a massive explosion in the toilet.
Apparently, that one visual was enough. I ended up going to the grocery store and buying Tim a pack of Oreos along with ingredients to make myself a reuben (here’s the recipe I used…it was AMAZING…if you like reubens).
I have no idea why I decided on a reuben…the last time I had one was probably two years ago. I just started looking up sandwich recipes and came across a reuben and was all, “THAT WOULD BE GOOD….”
I won’t lie. I DID eat a few french fries and had ONE BITE of Tim’s burger.
And it tasted EXACTLY THE SAME as it did when I was ten, sitting on the floor in front of the couch, watching Rugrats and Ahhh! Real Monsters, eating my McDonald’s.
I was told once that McDonald’s french fries never biodegrate…never get digested…never rot.
They sit in their long, yellow slender shape forever.
I’ve never tested the theory…but I’m inclined to agree.
And now, I get to enjoy the sensation of the indigestible fake-potato sticks shooting out of my ass in full form…only to be flushed and then sit in the sewer forever…unless a rat sees it bobbing up and down in the untreated water and snatches it out for a midday snack.
That was a disgusting mental image, wasn’t it?
This is why I don’t eat fast food.
The brain starts to go down a slippery slope…
…see what I mean?