i have finally accepted my sasquatch feet

I don’t sew. The whole needle and thread thing is lost to me. If a button pops off, I figure I’ve still got a zipper.

For all you crafty people “I-can-macramé-feathers-into-gold.”

You suck.

It’s not that I don’t TRY. I’m just challenged putting my IDEA into PRACTICE. So instead, I just oodle over your creations and buy them, much to Tim’s chagrin all, “DID YOU REALLY NEED THREE OF THESE LITTLE BAG THINGS?”

Yes. It came in three colors. And it’s a coin purse.

Tim: BUT YOU HAVE A WALLET.

Me: Well, I needed a coin purse.

Tim: You mean you needed THREE.

Me: A girl can never be too prepared.

Tim: You don’t even like purses.

Me: It’s a COIN PURSE. And I do now, thanks to my Coach collection. You did that, remember?

Tim: Ugh…

Anyhow…not the point I’m trying to make here…

Tim is the complete opposite of me.

He’s what we call special in the home ec department.

How many other men do you know that can expertly sew on buttons and stitch up dog toys?

None.

That’s how many.

He is all about patching up toys that Maddie and Lexi decided would be entertaining to dissect, like this little duck. However, little duck will not be re-joining the ranks. It’s not that the quack is beyond repair, it’s because he’s the dumbest dog toy in the history of dog toys. When Tim found it the other day, ducky brains all over the floor, he was all, “Who thought THIS was a good idea? All these loose strings…perfect for shredding…”

I looked up at him from my seat on the couch, glanced at the toy and shrugged all, “Well, we were stupid enough to buy it.”

The duck is now on the practice squad. No suiting up for him.

ducktoy

 

We have other plush toys (that weren’t designed as a loofah and permanently benched) that required emergency, reparative surgery before they were shredded into unrecognizable bits.

Noodle, for one, needed a frontal lobotomy and has been renamed Scar Face.

noodletoy1

 

Pinky has never known a life without slits for eyes, the result of Tim cutting out the choking hazard hard, plastic nodules when we first bought Pinky for Maddie, which left two gaping eye sockets and required like, laser vision surgery.

(By the way, we’ve found the BEST plush dog toys are one’s made for kids – seriously. They’re like, destroy proof. We’ve never had to replace a single one).

pinkytoy1

 

His tailoring skills go farther than toys…areas where the result actually has to look pretty or be positioned in the right place.

Tim has sewn my buttons back on that popped off, perfectly stitched up holes in shirts or pants I refuse to throw away and he’s all about removing stray threads from my clothes.

He came at me once with a blow-torch all, “Let me get that off.”

I just saw flames flying in my direction and reacted.

He woke up about fifteen minutes later with a size 11 heel imprint on his temple all, “WHAT THE HELL…IT WAS JUST A MATCH!”

Well, you shouldn’t have been rapidly advancing my direction with an open flame. The brain automatically says DANGER! and then assumes the defensive position. You should know that Mr. Prepare For The Worst In All Circumstances.

Takeaway message: Snip loose threads on all articles of clothing before they reach Jessica’s body.

And yes, my feet really are THAT big. I’m 5’10 and after 26 years, I have finally accepted my Sasquatch feet.

I know, I know…Eventually, I SHOULD learn how to do it…but I’m spoiled by my own, personal, live-in seamstress. Manly Stitcher.

Tim said to me the other day, while he was putting green thread through a needle for Noodle’s procedure, “You don’t even know how to do this, do you?”

Me: “Do what? Perform surgery? I don’t do blood. Remember?”

Tim: “Thread a needle.”

Me: ” Who needs to thread a needle when I’ve got you, honey?”

Tim: “Well, what if I decide I’m not paid enough for my services and go on strike?”

Me: “Then I guess I’m going to have to walk around with jackets missing buttons and pants that only zip and the loose threads will take over my entire wardrobe…It’ll be like…It’ll be like I’M WEARING DREDS!…Know what? Stop cutting my loose threads. I want to start a fashion trend.”

Tim: “You are a complete nerd, you realize that, right?”

Me: “And that’s why you married me.”

Tim: “Opposites attract, remember?”

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35 Responses to “i have finally accepted my sasquatch feet”


  1. 1 CatLadyLarew September 16, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Sasquatch feet? I think I outrank you in that department… my dainty feet come in a size 12!

  2. 3 aweierich September 16, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    You know, some of us think our feet are too small so maybe you should feel a little more grateful for your long, elegant feet. At 5′ 4″ my size 7.5 feet are proportional for my height, but not for my massive thighs… Gah! I have a hunch that I had I bigger feet, my legs would look more slender ; ).

    • 4 Jessica September 16, 2009 at 12:40 pm

      aweierich: i’ll take your small feet. At least they make pretty shoes in that size. Apparently shoe makers believe that if your foot is larger than a size 8, you can only wear boring, plain, ugly shoes. We’re not dainty enough for the pretty ones…

  3. 5 Cass September 16, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    LMFAO!!! I got a sewing machine for Christmas because I insisted I needed one so I could learn to sew! But I tried to use it once, and now it’s a really large paper weight! lol

    • 6 Jessica September 16, 2009 at 12:44 pm

      Cass: that will definitely never be on my Christmas list unless I was feeling really destructive and just wanted to hurl it at oncoming traffic…

      Thanks for stopping in! Hope to see you around from time to time!

  4. 7 Shelly September 16, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    I can’t sew either. I can do a button, but that’s it. I can’t hem. I don’t even have the vaguest idea of how to go about sewing. Yet some part of me wants a sewing machine. Just a simple one so I can make curtains or something. I mean, curtains are just big rectangles, right? Think of the money I’d save! I’d probably end up sewing my hair into the fabric and getting stuck or something.

    All of our dog toys are in bad shape. If they get holes, I throw the toy away because they seem to multiply in the dog toy bin anyway. My dogs LOVE to eat the stuffing out of those damn toys. Yuk.

  5. 8 Peggy Nolan September 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I don’t sew, but I can crochet…but only during football season or ice storms.

    My husband irons. And he’s really good at it. And he cooks dinner *every* damn night…he’s rendered me a stupid moron in the kitchen. “um…honey…how do I turn the stove on again?”

    And the man rolls my wrist wraps for me. Anytime he sees me trying to roll my own he gets pissed off…”THAT’S MY JOB.”

    Ok honey…(I’m the Thai Kickboxer and I don’t want to piss him off when it comes to my wrist wraps…)

    As for shoe size, I’m a 7.5. Average. With a size 11 kick.

    • 9 Jessica September 17, 2009 at 7:20 pm

      Peggy: MY husband irons too! I refuse. I use the dryer.

      Thai kickboxing? I’ve always wanted to try kickboxing…supposed to be a GREAT workout (and I’m all for those)!

  6. 10 bevchen September 16, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I can’t sew either. I can just about cope with sewing on buttons, but fixing holes in things? No way! Unfortunately the byofriend is even more useless (I had to teach him how to sew on a button!) You keep a hold of your manly stitcher!

  7. 12 WebSavyMom September 16, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    –>I know enough to be trouble when it comes to sewing but I refuse to sew a button on our curtains that is missing and the end of one of our pillows that popped open.
    I did go into my sewing box the other day and all the string was the wrong color. Bummer! haha…

    http://www.WebSavyMom.com

  8. 14 mrssoup September 16, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    My husband is the same way. He sewed himself a costume for a Ren Faire we went to. I’m lucky if I don’t kill myself with a needle when trying to fix a button.

    And I have size 10 feet and am 6 ft, so I feel your pain, sistah. I feel it.

  9. 16 finn644 September 16, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    three things:

    1. can Tim come to my house and sew up all the toys that Scout has destroys? oh, wait, no need – she EATS them all

    2. we apparently have the same skill set when it comes to things sewing-related

    3. 5’9 and size 12

  10. 18 stinginthetail September 16, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    lol – if you hadn’t commented on my blog, i’d never have found out about your Sasquatch feet (my spell check says that should be Saskatchewan – my spell check is apparently anti-canadian) – ty for the laughs, which I now have from several posts.

    Those toys are truly scary, btw. Slits for eyes – lmao – ah well, children live through worse traumas 😛

  11. 20 Breeza September 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    I totally don’t sew either. And size 6 shoes always run out of cute stuff!

  12. 22 Tess The Bold LIfe September 16, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    I love that your husband does these wonderful things! The photos are great as well.

    My husband has always done way too much…when we first married he wanted our bed to be made like the Army taught him and I never got it right. So he decided he’d take over. That was 37 plus years ago.

    • 23 Jessica September 17, 2009 at 7:46 pm

      Tess: My husband wasn’t in the Army…but he’s all about “pull the sheets tight!”

      Doesn’t work for me…they always are all saggy…so he’s the usual bed maker as well. 🙂

  13. 24 Jeniel September 16, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Well, I gotta admit, as a mom of three, I don’t often get to buy myself shoes, but when I do, it is an exercise is futility. I wear between a size 9-10 and it is impossible to find super cute shoes in those sizes. So I totally feel your pain, but I will never accept it! One day there will be an amazing invention to shrink feet and I will be the first to sign up! LOL

    • 25 Jessica September 17, 2009 at 7:45 pm

      Jeniel: Oh…I am SO THERE with you with the foot shinker.

      I don’t even LIKE buying shoes unless I’ve worn holes in my current ones. It is such a depressing chore….

  14. 26 Kate September 16, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Great blog!! Thanks for the LOL’s, although it was a little hard to explain what was so funny about a BAR GRAPH at work…..

  15. 28 bechtoldlifeworks September 17, 2009 at 3:02 am

    A Manly Stitcher? Who needs to know how to sew on buttons when you’ve got a Manly Stitcher? I think those are pretty rare!

  16. 30 Erin September 17, 2009 at 3:55 am

    I can’t sew either. What’s the point? A lost button is a sign from god that I need a new shirt. And who am I to disregard a sign from god??

  17. 32 lunch at 11:30 September 17, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    ha! you are SO lucky to have a spouse that sews! my goodness, if holly sewed, it’d be friggin awesome.

    thanks for your comment, btw, re: layoff. better things are def. on their way! i can feel it 😉

  18. 34 Kathryn September 19, 2009 at 5:57 am

    LOVE the dog toy pictures. Those cracked me up! I have big feet, too, so I feel your pain. I’m 5’4 and wear a size 9.


  1. 1 if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s entertaining myself « booshy Trackback on October 31, 2009 at 8:27 pm

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