remind me again why i do this?

Why do I give my best stuff…put it all out there…day in and day out…obsessively wondering if there’s a point…

Just in case you didn’t know, save a few days in the beginning, I’ve written and posted something EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sometimes to the tune of zero people reading.

ZERO.

Come to think of it, blogging is not very rewarding unless you like to read about yourself.  Then it’s like…totally self-centered propaganda.

No one really reads blogs on a Monday anyway…right? 

I mean, I could just sit and go all zombie-mode on the couch…afterall, I’ve had a pretty damn productive morning…

But nooo…I’m sitting here, writing…FOR YOU, PEOPLE.

ALL. FOR. YOU.

You just don’t know…I’ve got big things planned in the next couple months. 

BIG THINGS.

But without YOU…my big plans are going to be a giant disappointment.

The same kind disappointment you feel when you’ve got the inner buildup of a HUGE fart. One where you can feel the little noxious bubble moving down the length of your intestine…and you know it’s going to be one of those all out abdomen deflating kinds. The kind where if you jumped on a scale after said expulsion, you’d be five pounds lighter.  And when THE MOMENT finally arrives…and you get all ready to feel LOADS better…all you get is this little “pip

Exactly.

I don’t want a “pip.” 

I want the explosion.

What? That’s never happened to you? Well, then, you’re either in denial or too ashamed to admit it.

We all fart, people.

Just like we all read blogs.

As in, we should all read mine…right? I read somewhere I was supposed to toot my own horn now and again.

Well, consider this my horn. Just less smelly and without the reverberations. Horns are kinda annoying…to me, anyway.

And I read somewhere else…about something called perseverance…getting up even when your teeth get knocked out and your face smashed into the dirt (that’s a zero hit day if I’ve ever felt one).

I know, I’m being selfish and greedy and completely obnoxious.  But COME ON! Why the hell not? What’s so wrong with me?  Look, I’ve even got pictures now that the computer is back in working order.

This lovely shot was when we went on a sailboat ride with Tim’s parents and before I turned pastey green.

By the way, my dear husband, I never thanked you for capturing this moment. Brings back wonderful memories of wanting to expel the entire contents of my stomach…along with my stomach itself and any other internal organ that felt like coming along for the ride. Such an outstanding use of “capturing the emotion.”

Anyhow…a little background: The “captain” had me steer the boat to try and take my mind off the swaying motion. Little did he know I have a hard enough time with left and right as it is…and he goes and reverses them on me all, GIRLY! LEFT is RIGHT! GO LEFT! WHICH MEANS TURN THE THING TO THE RIGHT!…WATCH FOR THAT DINGY!!…WHAT’S A DINGY?? WHAT THE HELL…THE BOAT! THE BOAT!! WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE BOAT!

And then I almost hit another boat.

After that, “captain” decided I could puke all over the place. It washes off a lot easier than a hole in the side of his boat.

sailboat

 

I still look semi-normal, right?

But, my bloggy friends, you must know: I’m not bitter and I’m not angry at you.

I’m just in a bitchy mood cause Tim said we couldn’t go to the Yellow Daisy Festival over the weekend due to Lexi’s bladder.

Oh, that and I want lots more friends.

Friends of the regular, consistent type.

Friends who tell other friends about this blog.

And when I say “this blog” I mean my blog.

That’s not too much to ask, right?

Don’t get offended…I’ll go back to the regular stuff tomorrow. Any requests?

Today I’m just TOOTING, DAMMIT!

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37 Responses to “remind me again why i do this?”


  1. 1 Whine with my Wine September 14, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Very funny.

  2. 2 Daphne September 14, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Toot away, girl! I will gladly share all of my followers with you! Unfortunately, that’s not saying much… maybe you need more powerful friends. 🙂

    I want to toot back that I read every single one of your posts. Something that helps me know that you have posted is when you Tweet about it – like you did with this one – especially because I tend not to check my Blogger dashboard on the weekends.

    Good luck with your tooting and recruiting more followers! Let me know if it works!

  3. 3 Kristel September 14, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Jess… I completely relate! Quite often I wonder ‘why’ and what it’s all for. I can never understand what makes some blogs so wildly popular while mine dwindles on the verge of non-existance. Rest assured, though, that I always read (and love!) your blog entries. So while it may appear as though you’re writing to the tune of Zero you most definately are not… it’s at least to the tune of One 😉 And now that I’ve said ‘hello’ I’ll be sure to let you know, more often, just how appreciated you are!

  4. 4 Kristel September 14, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    PS… all my ‘friends’ say they’re too busy to read my blog. Feel the love…. feel the love! The blogging world is a popularity contest… I was never good at those.

  5. 5 nysoonergirl September 14, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Aw! I enjoy your blog! And this is probably my second visit at least today! So there’s two. I’d even be willing to click over once or twice more today (which I’d do anyway, that’s how we blog lurkers/stalkers work). So I can up your number to at least 3 or 4. I’d also be more than willing to share my readers with you, but today that’s only 1 so far, so I’m not helping out too much there. Maybe I’ll just stick to clicking.

  6. 6 mommasunshine September 14, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Toot away….just be careful with the big explosive ones because sometimes a thorough wipe is required afterwards.

    …just sayin’. Not that I know from personal experience or anything.

    *looks around innocently, humming a tune*

    WHAT?!

  7. 7 Jenera September 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    We’ve all asked this question. When you go days (or weeks) with no comments, no visitors. Wondering why the hell you don’t just delete it. then, if you’re like me, you write about sex toys and suddenly your readers are back, lol.

  8. 8 tiddlyompompom September 14, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    I only found you yesterday, but am a fan already :o) keep up the good work. Oh, and I hope you get that explosion…

  9. 9 Stephanie September 14, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Ah, I feel ya! I read your blog regularly, but in my rss reader… I don’t know if that registers as a “hit” or not. Also, according to my reader’s statistics count thingy you have 35 people subscribed to your blog. 🙂

  10. 10 misscaron September 14, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    HAHA. Fantastic. I completely feel ya on this one and especially love the fart reference. 😉 I think we all have our usual blogs we hit up each day, and those we swing by on a semi-regular basis, and those we forget about until someone tweets. I think mine is something people forget about and hell, I don’t even tweet my posts!

    I’ve been told that when I do informational stuff I’ll get more regular followers and I can see that on the days I do the home series and document doorknobs or entryways, etc. I tend to have more followers. As long as I just want to stick to random posts I think that I’ll always have a small following.

    I think you just need to do what you love and don’t think about the “readers” … they will come to you when you least expect it! But I think if you were to do more documentation type stuff that’d be cool. Like, where you went to eat for dinner, where you went on vacation, what new shoes you bought … and if you liked them or not, how much, and how we can get some. That sort of thing. I always enjoy reading stuff like that. Especially since I’ve always wanted to live in Atlanta. It’d be cool to know more about the area. Or, at least if you were to point me in the right direction 🙂

  11. 11 Breeza September 14, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    I totally feel you, but lots of people read and comment on your blog! I get lots of people reading but hardly anyone comments. Lame.
    And I love that you post everyday. Gives me something to look forward–as pathetic as that sounds 🙂

  12. 12 Tracey September 14, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Jessica, I found your blog a few weeks ago, since then, have been checking it a few times a day for updates. I love it! Especially when I come in to work and there is a booshy post waiting to be read…

    Also, one of my kittens looks like Gracie! What kind is she? All we can determine is that she is a blend of siamese, tabby, tortie, and massive fuzzball.

    Keep posting, can’t wait for your book!

  13. 13 Shannon September 14, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I may be sad by admitting this but when I come home from work and get back into my Pjs and plop my ass in front of my computer the first thing I click on is facebook and the second is wordpress. The first blog I click on is yours. So there is one for you.
    I often wonder how some days I can have 168 and then others are at 30. So the days I’m at 0 I’m wondering what the point is. Hang in there, it is frustrating. I’m glad you are there with a blog all posted and stuff because I look forward to the giggle everyday. At any rate toot that horn. Just light a candle to freshen the place up before Tim gets home. And as angelena told me yesterday- run to the bathroom if it just isn’t feeling like a normal fart:)
    have a good day!

  14. 14 Ashley September 14, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Oh girlfriend.
    After I post, I check my inbox COMPULSIVELY to see if I’ve gotten a notification that someone commented.

    I’m right there with you.

  15. 15 woowooteacup September 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Hi, Jessica – I’m new to your blog, having found you after you stopped by my blog. I’ve subscribed through Google Reader, which I check several times a week. (Don’t have time to keep up with GR every day, though I’d like to.) You’re an engaging and funny writer, so I’ll be keeping up with you, even if I’m not leaving a comment.

    Found this article recently in the Atlantic concerning the popularity of blogs that seems to have bearing on your rant (a rant I’ve shared at certain points in my blogging career – at least silently in my head): The Myth of an Independent Blogosphere:
    http://business.theatlantic.com/2009/09/the_myth_of_an_independent_blogosphere.php

    Way to go on the daily blogging. That’s an amazing record.

  16. 16 Shelly September 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    I’m reading! I’m new, though, probably been here for a week, two at the most.

    I am SO happy to know someone else who has problems with Left and Right. My hubby makes fun of me all the time, especially since my 2 yr old knows left and right better than I do.I say I am just smarter in other areas.

  17. 17 sgaissert September 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    I’m here! Please keep writing.

  18. 18 The Informal Matriarch September 14, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. This post was hilarious…perhaps because you remind me of me…even down to the left and right issue (which I taught to my 3 yo once and he totally got it right away…he helps me now).

  19. 19 mrssoup September 14, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Toot toot!

    Wonderful. And I’m always here too. 😀

  20. 20 Elizabeth_K September 14, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Are you kidding? 19 comments is like you are DOOCE compared to me — I’m gleeful for two comments! You’ve once or twice commented on my blog and I felt like — A STAR HAS COMMENTED! So it seems to you (oh perspective!) like you are barely read and/or commented on, but from my blog seat, I consider you a wild success. And that is a great picture — you look fantastic! Next you’ll Twitter about an appliance and get free ones for all of your commenters … !

  21. 21 Elaine September 14, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    I’m with Elizabeth above. You have readers. Regulars even. If I get a comment from someone, even one, I’m happy. But my sense of failure doesn’t enhance your feelings of success….or at least I hope it doesn’t. If it does, feel like a rockstar, little sister.

    RE: Fart. You know it’s going to be a big one when your belly has been making whale songs all day. Those never disappoint.

    Anyway, I usually read but sometimes you have totally upstaged anything I might have to say with your brilliance. It leaves me speechless or tongue tied at the minimum. Which almost never happens in real life.

    Keep it up. Pictures are a nice touch. You look marvelous, darling (said in true Billy Crystal fashion).(Or at least I think that was Billy Crystal….)

    I’m going now.

  22. 22 thebakerbee September 14, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    You know, sometimes you just need to vent 😉

  23. 23 ifbyyes September 14, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Sometimes I wonder why saome of my posts get responses and others do not.

    I also wonder – if someone adds you to their wordpress blog surfer, do they count that as a page view?

  24. 24 Julie September 14, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Oh toot! You crack me up! The fart reference – hysterical. Seriously! Who hasn’t? I am laughing again just thinking about it. Why in the world is farting so freaking funny?

    Anyway, I feel your pain on the readers thing. I’ve never had a large readership (does that even make sense?) and I probably never will. Most people come to my blog because I know Ree, and she occasionally calls me a Gorgeous Butthead. Then those readers realize that I am not that cool, and they go away…far far away. I rarely get comments, and that hurts. 🙂 But oh well right? For some reason I just keep going.

    One more thing.
    Righty tighty, Lefty loosey. 🙂

  25. 25 Stone Fox September 14, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    lurker.

    i guess leaving a comment means i am de-lurking.

    de-lurker. but still reading, yo.

  26. 26 Peggy Nolan September 15, 2009 at 6:15 am

    I have two blogs…one gets a crap load of traffic because it’s very specific to STEPMOMS and there are a LOT of stepmoms who desperately need tips, tools, and advice. I actually provide a public service with that blog by connecting with readers with the resources they need. (if any of your readers are stepmoms, they can visit http://thestepmomstoolbox.com)

    My other blog, http://serendipitysmiles.com, is all about the OTHER stuff. My life, my stories, my experience. I have a loyal bunch of readers. What I have found in the blogsphere is there are certain kinds of etiquette that helps attracts more readers. I blog about other bloggers. I review books. I connect with other writers. I promote them and in doing so, promote myself. If I read a good article on another blog, I BLOG it on mine. I link to it, and tell people “Go Read This.” And they do.

    Anytime someone blogs me, I’m the first to pop over to theirs and thank them. If someone sends me an award, I pass the award forward (I have yet to receive and award for Serendipity Smiles, but I sure do get them on a regular basis for The Stepmom’s Toolbox!) I love awards. I love comments. I love commenting. I love reading other blogs.

    Relax and breathe. Do the work, but don’t attach yourself to the outcome.

    Couple of blogs that might interest you: Blogging Without a Blog and Problogger.

    Shameless self-promotion is an art form 😉

  27. 27 Angelia September 15, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Look here missy! You look you about as green as a lizard gizzard, my friend, but still beautiful. You have an amazing fan base. You are dearly loved for your wit, humor and real life issues. The commments say it all! I (too) am glad you commented on one of my blogs, so I could read yours daily. I even found some great blogs from your commenters. What a blessing! (the give that keeps giving)
    Thank you! You are much appreciated. 🙂

  28. 28 Lynn Bermea September 15, 2009 at 11:28 am

    I feel your pain and frustration, too. I, too, am blogging and writing a book, so we do deal with many of the same issues. You were kind enough to comment on my blog one day, which is how I found yours, and I’ve read you since then.

    My blog on wordpress is fairly new but I have one on blogspot, too. Building a follower list has been the hardest part. I usually feel like I’m writing words that dissipate in the wind for all the feedback I get. So, I determined to be my own audience of one until a day comes when I’m not! If others respond, it’s just icing on the cake.

    Hang in there, Girl.

  29. 29 Rose September 15, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Yep, I must admit, you are damn funny, girl! First time reading your blog and I am hooked. Don’t stop now – I want to experience the explosion!

  30. 30 Kid Icarus September 15, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I think we’re all like that – I know I am. I would love if people thought my life/blog was interesting. But I’m sad to say I think I’m the only one that likes to hear me rant and rave about certain things. Anyway – how ’bout this. Do you watch any TV? If so…tell us a funny story on how you relate to any character on a show you watch. That’s interesting to me. Especially if I watch the show and your post is funny!

  31. 31 Linnnn September 15, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Mom: I just read your blog and it was great.
    Me: Thanks Mom.
    Mom: Only one thing though. Do you need to be so, well, earthy? And when did you get a DVR?
    Me: Well, Mom blogs are our “voices” and that’s how I talk. And I didn’t get a DVR.
    Mom: Who’s Tim? Is he nice? Why are you calling yourself Booshy?
    Me: (Ding! Light goes on) That’s not my blog you read, it’s one of my favorite ones someone else writes. You clicked on it from my site!
    Mom: Oh well she’s very good. Never mind then.

  32. 33 Karmyn R September 15, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    I used to have a much bigger readership than I do now. After 3 years of blogging and life (and Facebook) getting in the way, I stopped commenting on others and posting as regularly….now my readership has been chopped in half. Sad, but my own fault. Keep the wheels turning!

  33. 34 girlslashwoman September 15, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Hehe I’d rather read a blog than write one- a lot of the time, I’ll start an entry and just delete it because it seems pointless. Most of my entries are pointless, they’re just to get my thoughts together- except for an odd rant once in a while where I expect everyone to just agree with everything I say. It isn’t rewarding to blog when you know that there are tons of other people out there with more interesting things to say than you- so I just go out and read them instead.
    I understand the frustration with being unread though- when I started a blog about a hobby, I quickly became frustrated by how many people didn’t give a crap.
    If it helps, I’ll definiely read yours from now on. You can make me feel insufficient about my own blogging skills 🙂

  34. 36 bevchen September 16, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I love reading your blog, but I’ve just been tooooo busy lately. I am back now though, and trying desperately to catch up on everything I’ve missed.


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