Tim has this knack of finding the one channel or program (did I just say PROGRAM? Wow…that’s old school) or documentary that forecasts total-destruction-doom-and-gloom-we’re-all-going-to-die-or-aliens-are-taking-over-and-will-suck-out-all-our-brains.
It happens EVERY NIGHT. And our conversation is the same…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: Can’t you find something non-violent…like the Food Network or PBS? I’m going to have BAD DREAMS. You know I can’t watch anything scary WHEN IT’S DARK OUTSIDE.
Tim: What difference does the dark make? Everything’s still the same…just DARKER.
Me: No. Everything is NOT the same. Haven’t you been paying attention?? All the crazies come out at night. The daytime is when the happy music plays and all the people are safe.
Tim: You actually believe that? Seriously? Besides, PBS has some scary shit and the Food Network can be violent…doesn’t the music to Iron Chef freak you out?..That host dude is about to go all Samurai on someone…I can see it. He’s about to crack all, HAAAYYEE YA!
Me: What? Nooo…he’s just hot, is all, besides, they just smile and bake things and make pretty cakes.
Tim: I think the Food Network is a little more expansive than “baking things.”
Me: Whatever…I like the cakes…and besides, the TV just told me that I’ve only got about 3 more good years…and then BANG!
Me: I explode. Everyone explodes. See, 12/21/12…it’s like 01/01/00…except way worse.
Me: Cause on 01/01/00 they were all worried about computers exploding but on 12/21/12, the computers are GOING TO REVOLT AND KILL US….go all Terminator…all, I’LL BE BACK.
Tim: You know, your attempt at a deep, manly robot voice is failing. Badly.
Me: Whatever. You get my point. I mean, why even HAVE kids if we’ve only got three years? Why bring them into like, the apocalypse?
Tim: Aren’t you taking this like…to the extreme? You know… HOLY SHIT! DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY JUST SAID ON TV? We’ve got to start making a reinforced bomb shelter in the back yard. Go get that shovel…the one without the broken handle…and we need like, laser alarms and infrared radar beams and heat sensing cameras and so no one SNEAKS UP ON US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THEN BRAIN WASHES US TO GIVE UP OUR SAFE HOUSE TO THE ENEMY!
Me: I want you to remember this conversation – especially that last part – when I wake up all sweaty with my hands around your throat, ramming your face against the head board all, YOU CAN’T STEAL MY BRAINS!
Wait…you think I’m joking, internet? You think I’m just making all this up? Here’s a recent picture of what’s recorded on our DVR. Recent as in THIS MORNING. And Manson as in NOT THE MUSICIAN.