our dvr…tim’s apocalyptic haven

Tim has this knack of finding the one channel or program (did I just say PROGRAM? Wow…that’s old school) or documentary that forecasts total-destruction-doom-and-gloom-we’re-all-going-to-die-or-aliens-are-taking-over-and-will-suck-out-all-our-brains.

It happens EVERY NIGHT. And our conversation is the same…EVERY NIGHT.

Me: Can’t you find something non-violent…like the Food Network or PBS? I’m going to have BAD DREAMS. You know I can’t watch anything scary WHEN IT’S DARK OUTSIDE.

Tim: What difference does the dark make? Everything’s still the same…just DARKER.

Me: No. Everything is NOT the same. Haven’t you been paying attention?? All the crazies come out at night. The daytime is when the happy music plays and all the people are safe.

Tim: You actually believe that? Seriously? Besides, PBS has some scary shit and the Food Network can be violent…doesn’t the music to Iron Chef freak you out?..That host dude is about to go all Samurai on someone…I can see it. He’s about to crack all, HAAAYYEE YA!

Me: What? Nooo…he’s just hot, is all, besides, they just smile and bake things and make pretty cakes.

Tim: I think the Food Network is a little more expansive than “baking things.”

Me: Whatever…I like the cakes…and besides, the TV just told me that I’ve only got about 3 more good years…and then BANG!

Tim: Bang?

Me: I explode. Everyone explodes. See, 12/21/12…it’s like 01/01/00…except way worse.

Tim: How?

Me: Cause on 01/01/00 they were all worried about computers exploding but on 12/21/12, the computers are GOING TO REVOLT AND KILL US….go all Terminator…all, I’LL BE BACK.

Tim: You know, your attempt at a deep, manly robot voice is failing. Badly.

Me: Whatever. You get my point. I mean, why even HAVE kids if we’ve only got three years? Why bring them into like, the apocalypse?

Tim: Aren’t you taking this like…to the extreme? You know… HOLY SHIT! DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY JUST SAID ON TV? We’ve got to start  making a reinforced bomb shelter in the back yard. Go get that shovel…the one without the broken handle…and we need like, laser alarms and infrared radar beams and  heat sensing cameras and so no one SNEAKS UP ON US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THEN BRAIN WASHES US TO GIVE UP OUR SAFE HOUSE TO THE ENEMY!

Me: I want you to remember this conversation – especially that last part – when I wake up all sweaty with my hands around your throat, ramming your face against the head board all, YOU CAN’T STEAL MY BRAINS!

Wait…you think I’m joking, internet? You think I’m just making all this up? Here’s a recent picture of what’s recorded on our DVR. Recent as in THIS MORNING. And Manson as in NOT THE MUSICIAN.

doom gloom


10 Responses to “our dvr…tim’s apocalyptic haven”

  1. 1 Shannon September 13, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I’m laughing! I can’t even watch those shows! Nightmares…yes. The people one there or so damn sure of themselves and the end of the world. I then start having the same thoughts- why bring a kid into the world? Why buy a house? Why anything if there is only a few years left….ahhh! brain overload! I’ll stick to Friends reruns.

  2. 2 Breeza September 13, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    I agree!! I love the stupid cheesy tv shows that suck my brain but let me sleep 🙂

  3. 3 nikki September 13, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    My husband has the ability to always find the John Wayne movie “The Quiet Man” on tv. We have over 900 channels and the man can find the movie every.single.annoying.time.

  4. 5 Kathi D September 13, 2009 at 10:06 pm


    #1: You are hilarious.

    #2: I believe you might want to just kill him now.

    #3: Good call on skipping the replicants.

    #4: If I am not mistaken, the name of your blog references an epithet. I hope you are ashamed of yourself, Missy.

  5. 6 Erin September 14, 2009 at 5:35 am

    Tim is nuts and you are totally sane. And the crazies are probably peering in your window right now, but it’s dark and you can’t see them.

  6. 7 colleenincairns September 14, 2009 at 7:42 am

    Ha Ha…so I should be grateful for being an unmarried, single couch potato… after all ?

  7. 8 Daphne September 14, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Jessica, we watch these shows too, including the ones about sharks, which scare Donald more than anything else (I mean, he’s not scared of anything, not my husband, no). Our conversations trend towards zombies rather than aliens though. We often discuss the features our future house must have to be zombie-proof. Our in-laws are a little concerned about us.

  8. 9 Era September 15, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    How funny! I have a similar conversation with my husband. I always feel like he turns the channel to some violent shootout or dark psychological thriller. Bring on Food Network and HGTV!

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