so…this is what a “housewife” does…

I spent the entire damn day cleaning up Lexi’s overactive bladder.  Why bother trying to do things like WRITE or WORK or DO THE LAUNDRY when you’ve got urine instead?

Actually, I think urine and laundry are pretty equal…

But, see, urine wouldn’t even BE ON THE LIST had we not brought home a dog with a drinking problem.

No, I’m completely serious. It’s like Lexi forgets she’s drinking…like an autonomic response…like breathing. 

She just KEEPS LAPPING until the entire bowl is empty.  The entire 64 ounces…now sloshing around in her one cup sized bladder.  Then, to top it all off, she belches like an old man after downing an entire pint of beer.  I’m talking open-mouthed, full-on human expulsion that results in Tim walking around the house, straightening pictures and picking up potted plants that capsized from the reverberating sound waves.

I blame Tim.  Maddie farts.  Alexis burps.  AND ALL THREE SNORE.

I looked over at Tim last night before going to bed, after listening to 15 minutes of the nasal chorus, compliments of Maddie and Lexi, and was all, “OF ALL THE DOGS…in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE, how did we get the two that fart, burp and snore?  I’m being punished.  That’s what it is. It’s karma. I must’ve been like, a rotten old lady in my previous life…stealing bingo cards and scaring little kids…”

He didn’t even answer.  He just doubled over in a fit of laughter…cause he knows how much I hate incessant bodily functions…like snoring.  I get myself so worked up that sometimes, in the middle of the night, I’ll decide I’ve had enough.  I’ll rip the covers off, let out a loud, audible sigh, bounce off the bed – just to make sure Tim knows I’m awake – and storm out, half mumbling, have yelling, “…CAN’T…SLEEP!” and hole myself up in another room with a blanket sealing the crack under the door and my head shoved under five pillows.

Anyhow…where was I…right, the current domestic disaster – so before I can carry Lexi outside to pollinate kill the grass, we’ve got toys floating away under the baby gate, thanks to the flash flood.

Maddie, good ‘ol potty trained Maddie, will look up at me all, “MOM!  SHE’S DOING IT…AGAIN!”

But how can I get mad at a face like this?

 lexi sleeping 1

Well, it’s getting easier, with each roll of paper towels that falls victim to mopping up her mess.  We used to be able to buy a HUGE pack of twenty…and it would last us for like, YEARS.  I cannot even remember the last time we had to buy paper towels.

Now, thanks to Miss-I-Must-Drink-Until-I-Explode, we’re on giant sized pack number two in as many weeks.

I long for the potty training days to be over. I know I wiped Maddie’s numerous mistakes from my memory…must be like childbirth…you forget your waddling around, nine months pregnant, in 100 degree heat and subsequent three million hour labor…until you’re right back there again, with the second one…wondering why you didn’t plan for the end of your pregnancy to be during the dead of winter when you’ve got enough body heat to warm a three story, five bedroom house.

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34 Responses to “so…this is what a “housewife” does…”


  1. 1 Daphne September 10, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Oh, Jessica, I sympathize! I’m about to post some pet woes as well. It takes very loving and patient people to care for animals, especially then they are little and untrained. It’s also really tough and yucky and frustrating. Hopefully Lexi will continue to be worth it… any worries that her “drinking problem” might be medical?

    • 2 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:17 pm

      Daphne: Yes, very patient…very loving…very FORGIVING.

      Good thing I have a soft spot for those sad-looking eyes and wet kisses. 🙂

      We’re taking her to the vet for a checkup next week – so we’re going to ask.

  2. 3 KB September 10, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Hey, what about less water in the bowl? Haha, just kidding…

    KB

  3. 4 Sarah September 10, 2009 at 11:26 am

    My dog farts as well – but he always looks really surprise and twists around to look at his butt, like, “What’s going on back there?”. I’ve had to change the rawhides that he likes – one brand made his farts so stinky he could clear a room seconds. Ugh.
    Luckily, he never had too many problems peeing in the house, but when we lived in Korea we had these long sliding double dour/windows that ran the full length of our apartment from floor to ceiling, and the damn dog decided to crawl in between them and take a dump (he was tiny at the time, and we could barely get our arms in there to clean it up). That was not a fun day – and I thought DH was going to murder him.

    Maybe Lexi needs a little doggy AA?

    • 5 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:16 pm

      Sarah: Too funny! Smelly dog farts are AWFUL. They linger FOREVER. And…your poo story…had both Tim and I laughing…we can just picture that scene…glad it wasn’t us, that’s for sure. 🙂

  4. 6 finn644 September 10, 2009 at 11:46 am

    KB may have been kidding, but it works! I had to do that for Scout until she was “trained” because she, like your little chocolate angel, would drink and drink and drink until it was ALL GONE – no self-restraint from my little Scout!

    but she did get over it, eventually …

    • 7 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:15 pm

      finn644: We’re trying that…small, regimented amounts… good to know Scout got over it. Lexi is such a different puppy compared to Maddie…it’s like night and day.

  5. 8 GroundSquirrel September 10, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I know what you mean about bodily noises. My dog licks herself so hard it sounds like a waterfall, and she usually does it while I’m trying to fall asleep. When she’s not licking herself, she’s licking or smacking her lips.

    Skeeves. My. Shit. Out.

    A few days ago, my fiance mentioned it sounded like she was trying to give herself a big O, and now I want to lock her in a closet with an issue of Playgirl whenever she starts.

    • 9 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:14 pm

      GroundSquirrel: I had a good five minute laugh at that. Reminds me of our golden, Maddie. She does the SAME THING and I go to Tim, MAKE HER STOP! THAT’S GROSS! He’s like, why?

      For exactly the reason you described above. EXACT SAME REASON.

  6. 10 Breeza September 10, 2009 at 11:49 am

    And this is why I don’t like dogs. Ha. Just kidding. Cats snore too.
    I’m sure she’ll be potty trained soon and you’ll look back and laugh!

  7. 12 Katya September 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    That face does seem to make it all worth while. I hope your potty training days will be relatively quick, and relatively painless.

  8. 14 Minivan Soapbox September 10, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    But LOOOOK at that face!!!!! I want to hide M&M’s in those lips!!!

  9. 16 Amy September 10, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    I wonder if she is diabetic?

  10. 18 Jenera September 10, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Oh the joys of house training a puppy. I think it just may be worse than when we potty trained our toddler. Seriously. You can reason with a kid (sometimes) but never a dog.

  11. 20 Belle September 10, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Oh my gosh, seriously! I couldn’t never get mad at that face. 😦 Have you asked your vet why she drinks so much water!??

    • 21 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:07 pm

      Belle: We haven’t yet…but she’s due back next week for a check up, so we’re planning on talking to them about it then.

      It’s an adorable face, isn’t it? 🙂

  12. 22 Angelia Sims September 10, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Oh my!!! You poor thing! My lab is a drinker and a snorer too, haha. I would only give her water in the morning after eating and in the evening after eating (and still do 7 yrs later). I don’t know if you crate train but it helps with potty training. You might want to get Maddie a floatie in the meantime. 🙂

    • 23 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:06 pm

      Angelia: We are crate training and she has accepted her crate as her “den” so we never have accidents there…now we’ve just got to expand “den” to other parts of the house…not there yet.

      OH, and we outfitted Maddie with those little orange swimmers…the one’s that look like wings and go on your arms…work like a charm.

  13. 24 backstripe September 10, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Besides belching, farting and snoring, our little 5 yr old terrier mix Ellie clears her sinuses a few times a day —

    “snork, snork, snork, snork, snork, snork, snork, snork!

    Then she proceeds to go hump the cat.

    • 25 Jessica September 10, 2009 at 7:04 pm

      backstripe: UGH! I don’t think I could handle that…no…I’d toss her right into the closet, have her scratch at the door when she’s done….maybe lock the cat in there with her…multi-task.

  14. 26 Elizabeth_K September 10, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    You are so brave to keep up with such a … stream … of urine. Although I agree with earlier comments — she’s gorgeous and thus totally worth it. 🙂

  15. 28 Shana September 10, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Dog farts? Ick. That’s why we have cats. Who ignore us. And when not ignoring us, treat us like their invisible servants.

  16. 30 Becky Mochaface September 10, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    You can’t get mad at that face. It’s unpossible.

  17. 31 Erin September 11, 2009 at 6:54 am

    Seriously, that face is impossible to stay mad at! What a cutie.

    We have a cat who doesn’t snore or fart, but she does PACE across my hair while I’m sleeping. It’s awesome, if by “awesome” you mean COMPLETELY MIND MELTING. No matter which way I turn or how I try to hide my hair, she stands, crosses, sits, pounces… usually what seems like hours but only lasts 20 minutes or so, until I give up, shove my husband (because if I’m awake, HE should be too) and put the cat on the floor. Which buys me a very temporary reprieve until it all starts again.

  18. 33 thepoolman September 11, 2009 at 8:41 am

    She is so cute! Lab puppies can be a trial, but after two years, they are the greatest ever.


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