i’m not a thief!

My grandmother, Omi, God rest her Catholic, German soul…had this fixation that reared its head whenever we went to restaurants or special occasions like weddings where the tables were laden with delicate silverware and ornate salt and pepper shakers.

Those objects…were too shiny and perfect NOT TO TAKE HOME AND ADMIRE.

My brothers and I always prayed we were seated in a place other than the chair next to her, right in the midst of the crime scene.  Because one was never enough.  It always had to be a SET…or multiple sets if said items were particularly eye-catching.

Once, during one of my cousin’s wedding…I was about 12… and I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the fact that my perfect, blond haired, blue eyed cousin got pregnant BEFORE SHE GOT MARRIED…but Omi went on a utensil rampage…stuffing forks and knives and those cute little dishes for candy into her over-sized pocketbook.

Jeff and I just sat there and stared while my mom kept trying to pry the items from Omi’s hands as they were moving under the table to hide away said treasures.

Let’s just say…mom wasn’t successful.  She caused more of a scene just trying to stop her, so she eventually just gave us a raised eyebrow look that said, “JUST LOOK AWAY AND DON’T YOU DARE FOLLOW HER EXAMPLE.”

On the way out, Omi had a difficult time just carrying the load.  Jeff and I were snickering behind her the entire time, hearing the clanging of the knives and forks and the bag swayed back and forth.  I guess we got a little too loud, because Omi looked back at us and just said, “SHHHHHHHH!!  YOU’RE GIVING US AWAY!”

Wait just a second here.

US ??

Jeff and I looked at each other all, “I don’t know about you…but I’M CLEAN.”

And since then, I’ve always resisted the urge to take small items…in fear of becoming a silverware thief.

Then, this morning, as I’m putting clothes into the washing machine, I see this cloth “dirty laundry” bag that I swiped from a hotel a few months ago.

I froze.

Didn’t we also sneak out a shoe bag in Utah…one that doubles as a buffer?

I couldn’t believe it.

The Omi fixation has manifested itself in my needing to take any and all cute-yet-functional bags from hotels.

Guess I shouldn’t have laughed on my cousin’s wedding day…came back to bite me right in the ass.


16 Responses to “i’m not a thief!”

  1. 1 lifestartsnow August 17, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    oh you gotta love omi – did she ever get caught? did your family take the “souvenirs” back?

    funny thing, you wrote “we also sneaked out a shoe bag” – tim’s already knee deep in your hotel-souvenir rampage!


    • 2 Jessica August 17, 2009 at 6:19 pm

      franzi: Probably…but knowing her…she walked out of that conversation with the accuser thinking they were the ones who stole something….that’s just how she operated…

      And yes, Tim’s already in big, big trouble…with his klepto.

  2. 3 ditheringmiss August 17, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    This had me giggling. It sounds like the makings for a great short story.

  3. 5 Mindee@ourfrontdoor August 17, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    So your inheritance is a fine set of mismatched silver? Funny story!

  4. 7 mrssoup August 18, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Your Omi sounds hilarious!

    In college, we would always go to Outback to celebrate our roommate’s birthdays (5 girls living in one house). And we always would take one of the big knives. We had a lovely collection in our house of those great knives…

    I wonder what happened to them….

    • 8 Jessica August 18, 2009 at 5:04 pm

      mrssoup: Outback has great knives…may have to remember that next time we go in one………(I can’t help it…it’s like I’m channeling Omi…they sound so irresistable….).

  5. 9 Mindy August 18, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    Oh God, that is hilarious! I kind of wish I had an Omi…but I do have a brother Chris who likes to steal coffee cups from breakfast joints. Something about the handle he says…weird.


    • 10 Jessica August 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm

      Hi Mindy – Thanks for stopping by! …So, handles, huh? That IS weird :)…I think Omi liked the ornate-ness (I think I just made up a word…) of the silverware….

  6. 11 bevchen August 19, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Haha, your Omi sounds brilliant!
    A friend of mine used to steal coffee cups from Starbucks. his reasoning was if he stole enough they would be forced to close and the nice, independent coffee shop round the corner would get more business.

  7. 13 joz1234 August 19, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    LOL! Thanks, I needed that.

  8. 15 Sarah August 20, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Your blog is great! I can relate to so many of the things you’ve written. Especially the fruitless attempts at baking! Your cake had me in tears.

    • 16 Jessica August 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

      Sarah: I think that cake had everyone in tears…Tim about lost it when I opened the refrigerator to display my masterpiece…looking at me all, “I’m supposed to EAT that??”

      Glad you stopped by – hope to see you again! 🙂

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