saturday is for white teeth

Have you ever gone to Brite Smile?  Or a place where the slogan is something along the lines of “Whiter Teeth in a Hour?”

Brite Smile’s advertisement makes the whitening process look like an experience rivaling the birth of your first child, where, at the end of those sixty short minutes, you’re bounding out into the great, big world with blinding pearly whites, riding so high on confidence you’d swear they gave you LSD instead of special toothpaste.

This, like so many other body-improvement treatments, is highly misleading, as reality isn’t exactly so *happy and uplifting.*

It seems innocent enough when you walk in…they give you forms to sign that make you responsible if your teeth fall out or turn purple instead of white. 

Once you’ve signed your rights away, they arm you with a toothbrush and toothpaste, floss and mouth wash and walk you over to a sink to remove any unwanted debris, like, you know, if you’ve got a seed or something stuck.  Because if that TINY PIN PRICK where you didn’t remove that strawberry seed on your left front tooth doesn’t get whitened…it will instead look like a tiny person drilled a hole right through.  Or like you have the start of the plague.

My advice?  SCRUB and use that thin, waxy ribbon until you bleed.  Who wants to go through all that effort and then turn around and try to yellow their teeth because they FORGOT TO FLOSS?

So, right, back to the whitening experience.   You finish your brushing, walk back over to your smiling little Brite Smile “helper” and THEN comes the part they DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT.

You are walked into a dark little nook – almost like an office cubicle – strapped in a dentist’s chair with a huge half moon shaped machine that emits a bright, blue light looming overhead.  This over sized machine is soon lowered to shine on the lower half of your face after your little helper puts a contraption that looks like it came from the Medieval period into your mouth.  Said contraption forces your mouth to remain open in a position wider than what you would consider comfortable.  What? Swallow?  Either you quickly master the open mouth swallowing technique or become resigned to the fact that drool will pool on your shirt.  For “entertainment” the helper pulls down a TINY tv that gets TERRIBLE reception and haphazardly throws head phones over your ears, jams a remote in your hand and leaves you there.

For an hour.

Kinda like plastic surgery…the end result may be worth it but as you sit there after surgery, holding your face together, you cannot remember why you decided to subject yourself to such agony.

Well, that’s what we’re doing today.

All in the name of physical appearance.

That, and the embarrassment we received from looking at our wedding pictures, then at more recent pictures…back at the wedding pictures…and realizing we should have been doing the whitening “touch up” trays a little more frequently after we had a Brite Smile treatment before our wedding a few years ago.

They give you a before and after picture of your teeth when you’re done.  I guess to show you how gross your teeth looked BEFORE and how AWESOME they look now.

I’ll post mine after we get home and let you decide.


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