happy fathers day?

I guess it was a happy day for my dad because well, we weren’t INVITED to the festivities.  So what would I know?

I found out by accident when my mom asked me if I saw my dad on Sunday (“Michael” she calls him.  They’re divorced).

No.  I didn’t.  Actually.

She goes on about how he had something going on over at his house and was surprised we weren’t there.  I told her not to worry about it.  She’s off on a cruise with a friend – first vacation she’s taken without children since I’ve been around – and I had called to tell her to have a good trip, NOT to bring up the drama she is escaping for a few days.

I’m the oldest.  So it’s been awhile since she’s done something for herself.

And writing is my life.  It is what I do.  It is how I DEAL with things.

So when I found out that Father’s Day WAS celebrated WITHOUT including Tim and I…you can imagine I was more than just A LITTLE perturbed.  The problem is my dad expects ME to ask to come over or ME to initiate something or ME to plan a get-together.

And I did that.  For a LONG TIME.

And he never did anything in return.  He’d just wait for me.  And then get all, “why didn’t YOU invite me” or “why wasn’t I INVITED” or “why don’t YOU come over to MY house.”

Well, maybe because I’m tired of initiating.  I’m tired of being the “bigger person.”  I’m tired of trying to MAKE YOU WANT to do what a father is supposed to do.

You’re too busy taking care of yourself and complaining when it doesn’t go the way you think it should.  You plant little bomb-lets in my brothers so they ASK ME why I’m not doing SOMETHING for you – like you’re all left out in the cold, freezing to death.

Whatever.  You left US.  Remember?  Did you forget that part?

So I’m glad you had a happy Father’s Day.  I sent you an e-card – which is more than you can say for what you did for Tim.  Not even an “oops I forgot your birthday and my daughter reminded me a month later so here’s at least recognition of my mistake” card or email or phone call.

Can you not man up and own up to your mistakes?  Admit them?  Accept them?  And NOT go the round-about-backdoor route to make someone feel guilty – like they’ve completely screwed you over?  When – in reality – they haven’t even DONE anything and rack their brain to try and figure out what could POSSIBLY be wrong.

I’m done with the pretending and the trying and the doing nice things.  We’ve realized we’re off your list – and frankly, I don’t really care at this point.  I shouldn’t have to TRY to be ON the list.  It should just be.

But it isn’t.  You seem to have some kind of problem with me or Tim or both of us…I have no idea.  But can’t you just BE HAPPY for me?  Can you resist making snide remarks that somehow magically-I-have-no-idea-HOW-that-happened make their way back to me?

Seriously – what is your problem?  What’s the grudge?  What have I EVER done to you to deserve this?  And for that matter, what in the WORLD has Tim done?  I don’t think you’ve built up enough history to even HAVE anything to hold against him.

I’m tired of trying to say something to you about it.  So I’m not going to.  I’ve tried talking to you….writing you letters for various retreats you’ve gone on…tried making attempts at doing special things on birthdays or whatnot.

And the funny thing is…I cannot remember a single time you’ve gone out of your way to make a birthday special for me.

I can’t do it anymore.  The residual effects of your example to approaching problems and dealing with issues and treating people are interfering with MY life and I’m not going to continue to let that happen.

I will not let MY life crumble because you couldn’t figure out how to make it work….couldn’t figure out how to SELFLESSLY put others before you and not expect something in return….How to not be jealous or callous or envious of what others have.

I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON.

I will be happy. 

And if my happiness means excluding you – then so be it. 

You are not going to change.

And I’m not going to try to change you anymore.

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