I don’t really understand how this:
turned into this:
but I do know that no matter how long or how loud you meow in a dark bathroom, green mice will not pop out of the walls and fall from the sky. I promise that all closet doors will always close when your human parents walk out, so it is in your best interest to emerge from your perch on the suitcases and come with us – who knows when we’ll be back. I understand you’ve got A LOT of fur to contend with…but when the poo doesn’t quite make it out and sticks to your ass, running around in circles will not make it come off any faster. And, contrary to what you may think, I do like to be alone in the bathroom. You don’t see me sticking my head in the litter box while you’re busy…lets try to reciprocate the consideration. Another thing – I do very much enjoy my sleep. Unlike you, I do not have the luxury to lounge around all day… so when I don’t scramble out of bed the very second the alarm goes off…don’t give me that look like “Lazy. I’ve been up for hours.” The only reason you’re up is because you’ve been napping. You can look at me as quizzically as you want – I have no idea why you think the world looks so amazing upside down. I’ve tried it from that angle and all I wind up with is a headache. I’m not sure what you see but it must be good – like a catnip-patch-slapped-onto-your-face good – because you spend all your time that way and think we all should, too. And the plants…I assure you – we absolutely do not need you to prune them. I promise they will survive without you plucking off leaves and branches and depositing them on the floor. Don’t try and play the cutsey, “What? Meee? I was just over here staring at the wall, making sure it doesn’t move. Plant? What plant?” You can’t blame the dog anymore. We know.