You know it is bad when you start having dreams about trying to get to your husband and, try as you might, things just keep getting in the way and keeping you from doing just that.
I know this is a direct correlation to not getting to spend any time with Tim, mono e mono (I’m sure…I have no idea what I was going to say because I stopped writing this at “I’m sure” and with my brain unable to hold a memory for five seconds, whatever I was going to say is g-o-n-e). So, anyhow, US time.
US time has gone, um…to the wayside. The faaaaaar wayside (sidebar: remember the Farside comics? Loved those…end sidebar).
We have yet to figure out a way to get in time together without Kellan. I mean, it’s not that we don’t enjoy time with Kellan. We LOVE it, actually. He is such a fun, happy, funny baby and he is starting to really enjoy SO many different facets of daily life, so it is really fun to interact with him and show him stuff and go places where he’ll marvel at whatever is going on around him. We’ve yet to get over the nap time hump where he’ll sleep by himself. This trait is classic high needs baby…high needs babies need more of everything – including time – and so we’re taking it in stride…letting Kellan kind of set the pace and let us know what he needs instead of us forcing our agenda on him. A forceful, rigid schedule absolutely would not work for Kellan and Tim and I have both accepted that as life and just move forward with each day, celebrating the victories and mucking through the challenges as best we can.
I honestly didn’t realize how much I missed time with *just* Tim until this past weekend where we got a blissful, uninterrupted HOUR of “us” time while Kellan napped. Usually, I have to lay with Kellan the ENTIRE TIME he naps or he’ll wake up after ten minutes and then everybody is cranky pants.
This alone time hasn’t happened since Kellan was born in February, save the time during the Peachtree Road Race on July 4th where Tim and I were together and my mom was watching Kellan. But that was different because it wasn’t just Tim and me hanging out together, laying in the guest bedroom, Tim reading me an article about how we’re stupid consumers and companies know it and take advantage of us (as in: something that is $19.99 is WAY BETTER than $20.00. The .99 means it’s a BARGAIN!). It was a really interesting article…anyhow…little snippets of that life “before baby” are so far gone from my memory, replaced with Kellan’s constant need for us to help him, entertain him, be with him, that I completely forgot what it felt like.
And by the way?
It felt AWESOME.
It really is amazing how much you take little things like that for granted until you get a minute to realize how much you miss it when it has been absent for months when, before, it was a centerpiece in your day-to-day life for years.
I know it sounds like I’m complaining – I’m not at all. I’m trying to ground myself. I’m trying to explain that though this new life we have with Kellan is the most rewarding experience I have ever had, it is not without giving up other parts of a past life. I tell myself over and over that all I want to do is be the best mom – the best example – for Kellan that I can be. If he grows up a driven, competent, polite, nice human being, I’ve done my job. Good work, mom.
But I’m also saying that I am beginning to understand and appreciate – really appreciate – the little moments that I used to experience on a daily basis without much of an afterthought. More like a ‘meh,’ why cherish this when it happens ALL THE TIME?
Fair warning: if you’re about to have a baby – DON’T DO THAT.
There is no other way for me to say it other than to yell at you. Your life is going to be upside-down backwards and really soaking in all of the little moments while you still have them without having to also worry about being “on the clock” because you never know “if he’ll wake up” is a freedom you’ll never realize you enjoyed until it is literally ripped out from underneath you in one fell swoop (hello, baby).
I felt so refreshed after getting that one, simple hour alone with Tim. It felt like we went to marriage counseling and rejuvenation for a month.
Am I clamoring for the next one? Trying to figure out when it’ll happen? Trying to finagle a way to make it work?
If Kellan has taught my Type A brain anything, it is to bend and stretch and accept and make the best out of what comes at me and is given to me at face value, on a daily basis. Sometimes a minute-to-minute basis, depending on the day.
Will I soak in and cherish the next time Tim and I get another magical hour?
Do I love every other second of the day with Kellan AND Tim?
More than words can express.
Are you following me on instagram? I’m jbold23 – and bonus! I post lots of super cute Kellan pictures that don’t always make it to the blog!