Posts Tagged 'children'



the hard truth

Maybe I’m paying more attention to it this year, I don’t know, but it seems like Father’s Day is everywhere. Best gift for dad! What’s the best advice your dad has ever given you? How much does your dad mean to you? Blah de blah blah.

I wish I had a better attitude about those things. But, I don’t.

Relationship with *my* dad?

Does. Not. Exist.

(I think most of you already know that, but if you’d like some ranty background reading, try this or this or this.)

I honestly can’t think of any helpful advice my dad gave to me. Like, ever.

I am insanely envious of all you people with great dad relationships. I know we can’t have everything in life, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that that would have been something nice to experience. The closest thing I have is Tim’s dad, which is way, way better than nothing at all and I am very thankful for him.

I know that Kellan’s relationship with Tim will be nothing like the one I (don’t) have with my dad. Thank the High Almighty for that. Tim and his dad have a pretty decent relationship. Tim still asks for advice from him, even to this day. That is what I hope happens with Tim and Kellan, though I’m not worried. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will end up working out that way.

So, for me, Father’s Day isn’t about celebrating my own father, which is both true and sad. After years of being hurt, again and again, it was a chapter in my life that I felt best to close.

Honestly, making and acting on that decision resulted in a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Dropping that emotional burden was the right thing to do. I feel so much better. Less stressed. Less negativity. Will I regret not trying (for the nth time) to rebuild a relationship?

No.

Unless he makes drastic changes – and I mean a complete 180, total overhaul in current life and parenting choices – my life is better without him. That was a hard truth for me to swallow, but once the bitterness washed away, I realized that it was what I had needed to move forward in my life.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the right thing…and then, inevitably, something will happen – like getting a cryptic birthday card from him about “truths hidden in your heart” – and I know at that moment that I am. I absolutely am doing the right thing.

This? This is the truth. My truth. My reality. I’m not afraid of it, nor am I hiding from it. YOU may have that load to bear, but I dropped mine long ago.

Do you see what I mean about stress and negativity? Who sends their daughter a 30th birthday card with that kind of message?

That example is exactly why I cut off all contact. And because I consciously decided to do this, years ago, his attempts (and me wracking my brain trying to figure it all out) at whatever it is he’s trying to do no longer sit in the pit of my stomach but instead roll off my back like water on a duck.

Instead, I now focus on the positive, happy, fulfilling things, like celebrating Tim being a wonderful dad andKellan building a strong relationship with him.

Don’t feel sorry or sad for me. Be happy that I finally realized what was best and healthiest for me and my own little family of three and took the necessary steps to keep us all emotionally sane.

So, Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads out there! There are so many more awesome dads than not, and all of you lucky people who have one? Go give him an extra tight hug. He’s earned it.

PS: I understand some of you will disagree with me/my decisions, but that is the beauty of your life versus mine. You get to live yours. I get to live mine. We both get to make decisions that are best for us, in our own life, because we walk that path every day and know what is best for our mental, emotional, and physical health. We know our past and we know what will give us a better future, versus only getting a glimpse into someone’s world and judging their decisions based on a tiny snapshot.

when what i want doesn’t happen

*Long, audible siiiiiiiigh.*

It has been ridiculously hot the last few days. As in 80 degrees before 9am hot and then the temperature just keeps climbing until we hit close to 100.

This makes me very sad. I am not a fan. These crazy hot days need to GO. And yet, it is only June.

This kind of super hot before it should be weather makes running very challenging. If I can’t get out of the door early enough, I’m out of luck. It will be entirely too warm to run and to put Kellan in the jogging stroller thst has zero air circulation. This child came with an internal heat making device, I think. He sweats unless it is below freezing.

I am so not even joking.

If we rent cars, we have to have a ceiling vent for the air conditioner or he overheats.

Anyway, Kellan actually woke up super early today. Early enough that we could have easily and comfortably gone for a run.

Except…he didn’t want to go for a run in the stroller.

He wanted to read. And read. And read.

There was a point in which I asked him if he wanted to go for a run and he adamantly said, “NAY!” (His word for no) and then went and picked out another book.

So, in a battle of differing agendas, we went with Kellan’s choice. Even though the pavement was calling my name, calling to me…”Come! Run on me! Feel the cool air! Run! Run!,” I have zero mommy guilt. And I really hate mommy guilt. I try to do whatever I can to avoid it at all costs. I managed to do that this morning.

Everybody wins.

Mandatory cute Kellan picture.

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random hello

Ahhhhh so what’s happened lately?

My brother came to visit. Kellan is now 15 months (!!!!!!) old and is teething like CRAZY. Drool everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Also, I have a multitude of projects going on, zero completed, and we’d really like to plant some flowers outside, but I always seem to kill them (the sun is apparently hot and plants need water. Two obvious concepts I seem to forget).

(How is it flowers live just fine, all by themselves *in nature* but the second they grace my yard? Brown. Brittle. Dead.)

I am actually working on something kind of exciting, I think. I’m not sure when it’ll be finished but you’ll be the first to know when it is. Promise.

Until…well, the next time, here’s a little eye candy. Also known as my life.

Yes, I realize my hair is crazy in that picture below.

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headaches and dreams and help

This zero ability to blog is really sad.

I am…really tired. My hormones are changing again…it happens every few months. I guess my body is trying to eventually ovulate? TMI, probably. I had to fend off a migraine on Saturday…thankfully I’m learning how to catch and knock them out while they are still a headache behind my eye…but that’s the warning flag. The pounding knife sensation in that location.

Don’t ask me why but 500mg of Tylenol and a plain Coke is what works. It’s kind of disgusting, but it gets the job done. And it has to be a plain Coca-Cola. Nothing else works. It must have some kind of secret ingredient because it is not just the caffeine…coffee doesn’t help me when it comes to migraines.

I can’t even believe I have to deal with migraines, period.

Oh! Random question. If you can remember, if you had dreams about having a baby before you got pregnant and in the dream, the baby ended up being a boy or a girl, did real life match the dream once you actually got pregnant and had your child? I’ve had two such dreams so far and each time the baby’s sex was the same….

Also? Huge favor?

Kellan has been entered into (yet another) photo contest. It’s a one week voting window, so I won’t have to bother you for very long…but it would be awesome of he won! The ultimate prize is getting on the cover of Parents magazine. That’d be neat. And I would have a reaaalllly long thank you card list…of you all voted.

Here is the link to his picture.

And just so you know, he’s definitely the cutest one. I already checked the competition.

happy easter!

Okay…so…I’m sitting here with this chicken basket that my mom just handed to me and you’re saying I need it…but I’m not exactly sure why? Tell me again how this Easter egg hunt thing works?

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I search for eggs that have been hidden and I put them where? In a basket?
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Ohhhhhh! In my chicken basket!

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(There are no actual egg hunting photos. Only a video. That I’ve yet to view)

Hey, look! An egg!

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So, okay. I found an egg and I put it into my basket. What next….?

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Wait…You say I get to keep it?! You’re joking right? Just pullin my diaper pins?….

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No? You’re serious? It’s mine? This is shaping up to be the best day ever!

No worries, ‘rents. *I* can take it from here. I know exactly what to do. It’s time to shake-a shake-a shake-a the egg-a egg-a egg-a!

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Thanks, Barnes and Noble! We just so happened to be in your store and heard an announcement about story time and an egg hunt! And kudos to your team for giving Kellan a few extra eggs since he only found a few before they were gone AND for getting something special for him afterwards since he was the only kid who didn’t win a raffle prize. This was his first official egg hunt ever and he had a blast!

Also? Good thing you had baskets available to purchase…we obviously were not prepared…as evidenced by the tag still hanging off the handle.

the grocery store takes on a whole new meaning with a kid

There are many, many, mannnnnny things that now make sense to me pre-child that are now crystal clear.

Like when I’m all, “Nobody touch me for five minutes! Including you, animals! I’m touched out. I’ve reached my maximum touchability. No more touching!”

Or how I told Tim the other day that the reason I think I’m so tired is because I am no longer able to zone out, Earth to Jessica style. I’m always ON. On on on on on. On.

The other day at the grocery store, I was pretty much running up and down the aisles, trying to get everything on my list. Kellan was ready to go and though he wasn’t crying, the urgency in his vocalizations and his throwing everything – toys, snacks, sippy cup, apple we had yet to purchase – out of the cart was enough to signal to me that the happy time meter was just about up.

Now, I always have to make a list when I buy groceries. Well, technically, this is nothing new. I’ve always made a list…who can remember a weeks worth of food plus weird random ingredients for a new recipe and household items?

If you’re all, Uh, ME. I can,” then you A: probably don’t have kids and/or B: may want to call somebody who tracks that kind of talent. You’d be a hot commodity.

Anyhow. Pre-Kellan, I would usually have the mental wherewithal to remember a few things not on the list that I had forgotten to write down.

Now?

If it isn’t on the list, it isn’t happening.

My brain is only partially paying attention to what I’m supposed to be grabbing off the shelf and mostly trying to make sure I pick up what Kellan decides should be on the ground, feed him a snack, oh, here, have some water…no? Well, here’s your toy…look! Balloon! You’re right!…No, we cannot grab glass jars from the shelf…wait. I forgot baby yogurt…Yes! A balloon again!….Here, have another cracker…please don’t throw the cracker on the ground…where did your toy go…why is your shirt wet?…Yes! Balloon!…I don’t know why the store puts balloons everywhere, either…what are we waving at?…oh! hiiiii giant stuffed animal on top of the dairy coolers (??)…what am I looking for again?….Your water? Ok, here it is….Where was I?…Right! Where is the yogurt…

And while all of that was happening, I overheard a mom who was wrangling her two kids say, “Just wait! Stop. Let me think for a minute.”

Before Kellan? I would have thought she was coo-coo.

Now?…I totally underst….where is your sock?…here, try playing with this….hi, balloon!…where is that damn yogurt?….

a day in the life…

First? Happy 13 months, Kellan!!

Second?…..This:

Scene: Tim reading to Kellan on the bedroom floor, me on the bed, supervising.

Tim: A cow says moo. A sheep ::yawn:: A sheep says ::yaaaawwwwn:: A sheep says baa. Three ::yaaaaaawwwwwnnnnn::

Me: Can you not read without yawning?!?

Tim: Um, no. You know that. It’s a psychological problem.

Well, ok then.

****

Me: Kellan needs pants and socks and a sweater.

Tim: Did you lay them out?

Me: No. Just pick something. I have to go to the bathroom.

The next sounds I hear:

Drawer open, close.

Drawer open, close.

Tim, yelling from Kellan’s room while I am *trying* to pee in peace: Where are his pants?

Me, yelling back from the bathroom with the door open because I don’t even bother closing it anymore: Bottom right drawer…..

A minute goes by….

Tim: What sweater?

Me: Just pick one! Hell, have Kellan pick one!

I wash my hands, leave the bathroom, and find them downstairs, playing.

Tim looks at me, smiling, proud of himself for successfully dressing Kellan, and then…he sees my face.

He takes a second look. Sweater. Check. Pants. Check…and then it hits him.

He realizes why my face looks slightly perplexed.

Tim: I forgot the socks.


this is where you ask those burning questions

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