Okay. So. Pow wow time.
A looooooong time ago, I started my blog to write out my thoughts and feelings. It was how I “got it out” so to speak.
Then, more and more people I knew in real life started reading it and started having their own opinions about what I was writing and I got more and more sensitive to that. I censored…a lot. And continued to do so.
Well, that allllllllllll ends today.
My current life is at a point where I need – need – to write it out. Everything I have wanted to say…needed to write about…I haven’t because I was worried about the backlash, the potential to offend someone, the emails or comments about how I was doing it wrong (whatever it may be).
I think I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I really don’t care about all of that. I’m not looking to stir the pot, but I’m also done trying to please everyone, too. I’m writing about my experiences. My view on things that happen. My opinion.
Now, just so we are all on the same page, I do not write with the intent to offend anybody. What I write is how *I* feel. If my opinions or views or whatever put a bee in your bonnet, newsflash: no one is forcing you to read what I write. Stay happy: Don’t read.
For everyone who actually sees me on the regular (I feel like I sound so hip saying that…which probably means I’m not hip at all), I’m the same person I always was. If you want to talk about what I write, okay. I’m game. If what I say makes you not want to be my friend…that makes me sad. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. I realize this makes it sound like I’m about to write some craaaaaazy stuff. Highly unlikely. This is just the catch all disclaimer in not-so-tiny print.
I’m just tired of censoring everything, everywhere, all the time. If you follow me on Instagram (Jessica Bold) or are my Facebook friend and think that, based on what I post, my life is a pot full of rainbows and sunshine…well, know that you’re only seeing a tiny – TINY – snippet of what actually goes on in a day in my life. And that snippet is usually a funny moment, a happy time, something I think others will get a smile from. It’s rarely how I’m at the end of my rope. Frustrated beyond my ability to be rational. Tired. Exhausted. Worn down to the point of wanting to collapse and shut out the world…or run away for a day just to have a moment to think. To be in the quiet. To do something *I* want to do. To not have someone always needing something or asking me questions or having to hear, “Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.” until I relent.
Being a mom is really, really, really hard. Other moms already know this. Live this. I am no different. I am not a super mom who has it all together and makes all the right decisions or spends every waking minute enriching my child. I mess up. I lose my temper. I let Kellan sit in front of the TV for an hour or so just so I can have a second to just…sit.
It’s really unfortunate that he no longer likes watching TV but instead wants me to sit there and rewind the ten-second theme songs to about seven different shows over and over and over – but never the same show twice in a row.
“Bob Builder! Pomas (Thomas)! Tigger Backson (Pooh)! Dinosaur Train! Monkey (Curious George)! Cat intha Hat! Different one! Different one!”
It’s endless. It is intense. It has been so bad this past week that this conversation actually happened after Tim came home from work to a child who was literally off the walls crazy. Running around, clearing counters with one swipe of a hand, laughing, yelling, throwing anything he could find.
Tim: Is this what you’ve been dealing with all day??
I just gave him the side eye like, YEP. Welcome to my world.
Tim: This is too stressful. I’m going back to work.
I have a really difficult time even lamenting over these things that, in the grand scheme of life, are pretty petty. I know that I live a blessed and privileged existence. I am probably not as thankful of that fact as I should be, though I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. When I see those that I am friends with on Facebook or those I follow on twitter mention something is they are (rightfully so) genuinely excited about – like getting a new apartment or buying a (new to them) used car or when they are pining over something that I would typically just go out and buy if I wanted it…it is like an unplanned punch to the gut. An instant reminder that I should stop complaining. That I should be happy and thankful all the time, because I get to live in a house. I got to buy a new car. I was able to go buy a pair of shoes without worrying about having enough money to pay the electric bill.
But, if I am honest, it is hard to always be thankful. It is hard to not want to whine about how I struggle with suiting up in my armor to go to battle for yet another day over not throwing food, wearing clothes, taking a nap, with a toddler who always seems to win.
I love being a parent. I love Kellan more than I can put into words. I am eternally grateful to Tim for working so hard to provide this amazing life for us.
But, I have my days. My moments. The times I need this blog to write out my frustrations and feelings and whininess (it’s a word today) without having to think about having to be thankful because others are struggling much more than me. Maybe that’s selfish, but it is something I legitimately need for my mental health. I can’t be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, when I have all these frustrations inside that I am just barely, barely keeping a lid on.
This is why I can’t filter or censor anymore. I need a space where I don’t have to do that. This was my space for that, and from this point forward, I’m taking it back.