I’ve decided pomegranates were created to piss people off.
I spent an hour peeling TWO pomegranates yesterday. An HOUR.
I want to make sure that really sinks in: AN HOUR.
Why bother? Why not just leave the little bastards on the shelf in the grocery store? I mean, not only are they a pain the ass to peel, they also stain the shit out of EVERYTHING. The little section of wall behind the kitchen sink is now permanently decorated with pinkish splotches and I had to wear gloves for a week while out in public cause one look at my hands and everyone would think I had leprosy.
Well, it turns out that pomegranates have magical powers imbedded in their tough ass flesh that come in the form of tiny ruby colored beads that do things like shoot out little fairies to clean the house and fold the laundry and, oh, fight prostate cancer.
And that last one…damn I wish I would’ve never seen it in an article on our google news homepage (yes, we’re awesome like that and have NEWS on the homepage…not cartoons or videos or anything fun…). Because now, technically, I have to suffer through all the peeling and swearing or I’m pretty much just helping the cancer along all, “Here! This one! His wife didn’t feed him the pomegranate!”
You’re welcome, wives. Come, join me.
I even decided to do a little research, since we spend so much time together these days. I mean, the pomegranate knows plenty about me and how I feel…but I knew nothing about how they became so damn ornery.
It didn’t take long to figure out that they’ve always been a pain in the ass and everyone – even the Egyptians – developed their own I-hate-you-but-you’re-so-good-for-me-so-I’ll-continue-to-be-your-friend relationship. I mean, had God made a pomegranate tree instead of an apple one, Eve would’ve never strayed and we’d all still be happily running around naked in The Garden. Just sayin.
But now I totally understand why the Egyptians invented so many tools.
Like this one:
They were trying to create a pomegranate peeler. Because it also happens that the Egyptians found these magical fairies too…and the wealthy people were all, “Hell, if the fairies know how to carve stone, then bring on the little pixies!” I mean, who wants to spend half their life carving their family history into a hard ass rock when it could all be for shit if a tiger or something eats you? So they made the poor people go into the forest instead:
(Personally, I think those look like pears, onions and a pail of cement, but whatever. It looks like they also thought to bring along a miniature caribou for protection…or a distraction… incase they ran into the tiger)
I told Tim I’d pay for someone to peel the pomegranates all, “It’s totally so you don’t get cancer. Think of it as life insurance.”
He said I could hire one as soon as I made a million dollars.
And don’t think for a second I didn’t add that to my list of Things to Do After I Win the Lottery or Become Obnoxiously Famous.
You have to be prepared for these things.
And nothing says prepared like a list.