It isn’t often (did you know the correct way to say often is with a silent ‘t?’ The more you know…)…anyhow, it isn’t often when something happens and my reaction makes me feel like I utterly failed as a parent.
Today…today I failed. Big, giant F.
I don’t get F’s, you guys. I don’t even like getting B’s…except for second semester Anatomy in college when, during the first semester, I ended up with something like an 89.999999 and my professor didn’t believe in rounding…but that’s a different story…
I took Kellan to deliver some treats to our neighbors before the impending snowstorm and bitterly cold temperatures that will undoubtedly keep us inside for the rest of the week. I’m talking lows in the negatives and the high a whopping 12 degrees Fahrenheit.
He was super cute in the wagon, no?
Anyhow, after our deliveries, we went to the neighborhood park. I figure one last outside activity before the snow. And of course – OF COURSE – there are two other kids there and one has a Thomas the train toy.
Kellan is obsessed with Thomas. I honestly don’t think there is another thing that can hold a flame to his love for the little blue engine at this moment in time. We have wooden Thomas, lego Thomas, metal Thomas, Squishy Thomas, Big Thomas, Stuff-Stuff Thomas….they all needed adjectives so we would know exactly which one he wanted. Thomas reins supreme.
So, imagine how big Kellan’s eyes got when he saw a new Thomas that was not part of his collection. I’ll give you a hint: saucers. Giant saucer eyes.
This kid, who was four, came over and pretty much took over Kellan’s dump truck and loader that he was playing with in the sand. The kid’s babysitter asked him to share the Thomas with Kellan.
And he did, making sure he said, “Be careful with him! I go everywhere he tells me to go!”
Well, okay, then.
I told Kellan multiple times that he would have to give the Thomas back when it was time for the kid to go. I asked Kellan if he understood. Kellan said yes.
Obviously, this was all a terrible idea, even allowing Kellan to play with this new Thomas.
When it was time, I had Kellan walk over to the kid and asked him to give him back the Thomas. Kellan did, without hesitation or complaint.
And then – THEN! – enter the super sad meltdown.
“Hold his Thomas!”
The whole way home. Tears and Kellan asking, begging, to hold his Thomas. I tried explaining that when we share toys, we have to give them back if they aren’t ours…and he would be very sad if someone was playing with his toy and didn’t give it back when it was time to go…and that we could go home and play with his Thomas’s.
None of this really helped, by the way. The consistent response was, “Want to hold his Thomas!!”
So, then, for some asinine reason that I still don’t understand, I asked if he wanted to go to Target to look for that particular Thomas.
Why? WHY did I even say that?! That is not the answer or the solution. The second it slipped out of my mouth I knew I messed up AND that I couldn’t take it back. Of course the answer to that question was YES!
And the rest is history.
I actually feel like the worst mother ever, so please refrain from telling me that I messed up. I’m already blatantly aware. I am trying to tell myself that this was a learning experience for me to do better next time, but it’s not really helping, yet. Sigh.
Parenting is hard. Messing up is even harder. I know I haven’t ruined Kellan forever, but it sure feels that way.
At least we did some goodwill beforehand…so he sees that giving to others is nice and fun, too………
SIGH. I really don’t like this feeling.