friends are hard.

Maybe I don’t know how to be a friend. It has been so long since I’ve had actual friends in my day-to-day life that maybe I’ve forgotten the rules.

Are there rules?

I intentionally sought out mom friends so Kellan could have kids close in age to play with, versus me being the be all, end all of playmates. And wouldn’t you know it? I actually found other moms who wanted to be my friend. Me. MY friend. This was kind of shocking, because I had been without friends for so long that I thought maybe I was damaged in that department somehow.

I had more or less acquaintances for a long time, starting in college and running through the point I had Kellan. I really didn’t allow myself to become close with anyone, though there were those who tried, and in hindsight, I feel bad for not reciprocating,

Anyhow, now, I made an effort and actually have friends. And sometimes I have no idea what to do. The friends I have are all very different from each other, and I really love that. I love their uniqueness.

But, mom friends are hard to understand. Sometimes I don’t know how much of myself I should give. I cannot figure out how close of a friend they want to be. I don’t want to open myself up and then realize I shouldn’t have. I’m so not that girl with a million friends, the girl everyone wants to be friends with, the one who seems to be able to easily navigate the challenges and needs of all of her friends without batting an eye.

I am the girl who struggles to even find a friend, and then worries about how much of a friend they want to be…or how much effort I should put in if I really want to be their friend but am not sure if the feeling is mutual.

Do you see what kind of spiral this turns into?! Sigh, self. Get a grip. Sometimes I wish a female brain wasn’t so inclined to try to read into and obsess over every little thing. It’s not like it happens intentionally. My brain just starts wondering and then all of a sudden, I’m in that place where all the whys and what ifs consolidate and make me crazy.

This all feels so high school to me. Maybe because that’s really the last time I had multiple friends, leaving my friend ability and knowledge stuck in high school, right next to my locker where I stand and wait and hope for someone to wave at me and say hello.

This really is why I have had zero day-to-day friends for so long. I’m too guarded. I have to let the walls down….be free! Or something.

Again, I have no idea.

Obviously.

I’d really love to be more eloquent with all of this, but we are currently in the whine about EVERYTHING stage, so my brain is fried. And when I say EVERYTHING, I mean everything. Getting dressed, getting undressed, eating, not eating, going outside to play, getting in the car, getting out of the car, playing with toys….it’s beyond exhausting. When does it end????????

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7 Responses to “friends are hard.”


  1. 1 Franzi November 21, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    i would be your day-to-day friend if i lived closer! but i do want to be your friend either way! :-)
    i hear you though on making friendships and the rules and stuff. learned in class the other week that apparently girl-friendships (from a very young age onwards) have way more rules than boy friendships. all of this “do this” “you have to say that” “you have to…..” just transfers into adulthood and having children of your own? oh boy, let the judge-fest begin!

    sorry you are feeling down. wish i could come over for a coffee!!

  2. 2 Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    This speaks to me. I struggle with the same stuff and have since college. It’s late and my brain is so tired, but I would love to chat about this sometime. :) also, I would totally be your day-to-day friend, if you would want me. Maybe it works online, too? I have no idea.

  3. 3 Kathleen Reifsnyder November 22, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I have to agree with you, Jess. Friends are hard. The balancing of friends can be tricky and as much as I would like to tell you there are no rules… that would be lying, there are rules.

    I have many “friends” and yet only a couple of really close friends and I am guarded with even those I feel close to. Why? I’m not sure but it’s a personality thing, I never really open up to just anyone.

    So you are not alone in your feelings.

  4. 4 ala139 November 22, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I’m totally with you on this. My three closest friend consist of two from high school and one from college. That’s it. The whole kit and caboodle. I have another friend I really like who I inherited because she was a college friend of one of my high school friends. I went through 6 years where one of my high school friends didn’t talk to me and due to awkwardness neither did the other which took away the third friend and my friend from college lives in TX. In those 6 years I made no other friends. Adult friends are hard. Kid friendships are easy. You’re stuck together 8 hours a day. Every day. You figure it out. As an adult? Not as easy and I’m totally with you on not knowing how much of a friend to actually be. Like I have someone at work I like a lot. I think she’s awesome. Would love to be her friend outside of work. But how do you DO THAT? How do you make that leap? How would you know if the person even wanted to? I have no idea really. At all. And so I won’t. And possibly will miss out on a nice friendship.

  5. 5 IfByYes November 24, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    I think the important thing to remember about friendship is that it’s about giving. It isn’t about how much friendship a person “wants”. People don’t “want” a certain degree of friendship. Friendships are built. It starts as friendly acquaintance, where you smile and chat when you see each other. Then it grows to confidence, where you share each other’s ups and downs. And that’s an important thing, too. SHARING ups and downs. They tell you something personal about their life. You tell them something about yours. You ask them something personal. They ask something back. It’s like a ball that gets tossed gently back and forth, and as it goes on, your faith in each other’s ability grows. If you don’t ask how their terrible job is going the next time you see them, you have dropped the ball, and the friendship fades. If you tell them about your worries about your child’s health, and they don’t ask the next time you see them, then they have dropped the ball.

    You do them favours. They do you favours. They call you. You call them. It’s a game of follow the leader, show and tell.

    Deep friendships grow where there is a lot of give and take. Some people remain friendly acquaintances. Some people grow into close friendships. But it isn’t about how much friendship a person WANTS. It’s about what you are capable of building together. Or not.

  6. 6 Sanibel November 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    It is so much easier when you are younger on the play ground. I feel like anymore you don’t know if they are bat shit crazy or talking behind your back. Tough stuff

  7. 7 mrsloquacious1 November 26, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I don’t have a billion friends either, although I have a few “close” ones that I can turn to for various things. Interpersonal dynamics are hard, and people and relationships ebb and flow with changes in life circumstances, etc. I don’t put a lot of stock in most of my relationships, save for my marriage and the ones I share with my siblings. It’s just easier that way when things go south. :(


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