Sometimes it’s hard for me to write anything because in the back of my mind, I know family members read this. Friends back home read this. Tim reads this.
Generally speaking, I say whatever I feel like saying. Not generally speaking, I hold a lot of things back because of the aforementioned readers. It isn’t like I have something bad to say…I just know if I say things like I’m about to, I’ll get emails or phone calls or someone might take the words out of context.
It’s so muddled…yet they’re only words…
So, Kellan and I went to our first play group yesterday. It was mostly pointless for him, since it was outside at a park (the older kids of the other moms had fun, though). I did meet two first time moms who I plan on getting together with outside of the “Moms Club” (that’s what it’s called…), so all was not lost. The “seasoned” moms were all, “One is EASY!”
Yah…once you know what the hell you’re doing. I’m sure you weren’t saying that during your first ride on the baby-merry-go-round. You were right here, in the trenches with me.
I also got sunburned on my chest, somehow.
Thankfully, I kept Kellan covered up so he’s fine. He also slept the whole time, which was nice.
Anyhow, I am pretty sure I had a segue into this next part but I’m so wiped out and exhausted, I forgot what it was.
I’m so, so tired. I need a break. I need ‘me’ time. I haven’t had any since Kellan was born and though I love him to pieces, I need a minute or an hour where I don’t have to worry about changing a diaper or handling nap time or entertaining an almost ten week old.
This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I’d be lying if I said I never cried…if at the end of the day I couldn’t wait until he fell asleep so I could sleep myself and escape from reality in my dreams..and then hope and pray he falls back asleep when he starts waking up only a few hours after he’s fallen asleep.
The falling back asleep thing rarely happens.
He also rarely naps and if he does, I have to be laying next to humor holding him. The entire time.
It’s overwhelming, being a mom. It’s hard and utterly exhausting and I haven’t slept through the night since I don’t even remember when. Once your bladder starts getting squished by your ever growing uterus, it’s all over. Goodbye sleep.
And I loved my sleep.
I never realized how difficult it would be to have to function as a human being and entertain and care for a baby, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week while severely sleep deprived. I’m so tired sometimes that it’s beyond frustrating. I want to sleep SO BADLY but I can’t because I haven’t gotten Kellan to sleep yet or because he isn’t tired or because something needs to be done around the house or because my brain is going a million miles a minute all, “Am I doing enough?!”
Sleep comes before food. That’s where I’m at right now.
I live minute to minute. I can barely have a coherent conversation because I’ll forget what I was saying in the middle of my saying it. That and I’ll mumble. Even my tongue is exhausted. Sad.
I know it sounds like I’m being whiny….I am. If that bothers you….I’m too tired to care right now. I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way, since lately these days I have been saying things that come off as mean when I’m really just saying them…no real emotion behind them because I hadn’t even thought to put an emotion to my words – unless tired is an emotion.
I know it will get better. I know this is only a phase but WOW.