Kellan has this new thing…it’s not an all the time thing or a perfect thing but it’s a new thing where he actually lets me put him down and sometimes he’ll even fall asleep or other times he’ll just lay there and stare and babble at whatever interests him.
He does all of this when I’m not there. I’ll leave the room, bring the baby monitor with me and watch him (we have a video monitor).
I almost plotzed yesterday when I put him down on the bed because I had to pee (it happens) and when I came back to check on him…he was asleep! Granted, he had his binky with him…but, still. ASLEEP! ON HIS OWN!
This was a first and is a big deal. For the child who (still) (99.9% of the time) never wants to be put down, it’s like he’s gaining a little bit of independence. It’s the thing I’ve been hoping for since I realized he and I would be attached at the hip forever because OMG. The child would not let me leave.
Except…it’s actually hard for me to leave him in a room by himself, wide awake, and not be there with him. It’s harder than I thought it would be when I begged him, albeit silently, to let me have a few minutes to myself.
This must be one of those mommy things no one warns you about.
The only reasoning I can muster is because he and I have – literally – been together for almost a year. He was with me everywhere I went for nine months. Then, when he came out into the world, he was still with me everywhere I went. I feel like I’m neglecting him or not stimulating him or teaching him things he needs to know when I just leave him all by himself.
And right now? He’s just hanging out upstairs on the bed, happy as can be while I’m downstairs in the computer room, watching over him on the tiny monitor.
I know it is healthy for me – and him – to be separated from time to time. I know he needs to figure the world out on his own sometimes. I mean, it’s gonna happen anyway…he’s going to be apart from me sooner or later. I guess I just had no idea how hard it would be to cut the cord – the non-literal one. All you moms out there who have a hard time letting go…I totally understand why, now. 100% get it. I have no idea how I’m going to cut my own bloody cord (ha…accidental double entendre).
But, once he gets cranky or wakes up, I am right there to comfort him. And that smile and look of recognition I get upon my return?
Worth every second I was away.
It is absolutely priceless.