I remember when Tim and I first learned I was pregnant (I’d say ‘we’ but let’s be honest. My body was the one that was inhabited). We were all, “Aww…we’re having a baby!”
I remember the first time we saw the sprout on the ultrasound as a tiny little bean, a mere six weeks old. We were all, “Aww…how adorable.”
I remember when we first felt him kicking and rolling around inside of me. We were all, “Aww…how incredible!”
I remember the first time we watched my belly jump up and down when he had the hiccups. We were all, “Aww…how cute! Poor thing!”
I remember the bubble we were in at the hospital right after he was born. We were all, “Aww…we’re parents!!!”
Flash forward seven weeks.
Now we’re all…
Dear Sleep, I miss you.
Dear Arm, I know you’re asleep and tingling and about to fall off and run away whimpering but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t you dare move a muscle because then he’ll wake up and we’ll have to START ALL OVER.
Dear Sanity, Will you ever return?
Dear Date Night, You’ve been replaced by a tiny human who doesn’t care about dinner and a movie unless it’s by My Breast, Producer: Milk.
Dear Romance, ….(excuse me…laughing hysterically).
Dear Intimacy, See above.
Dear Husband, One day I’ll be able to pay attention to you, again.
Dear Body, I have no idea what happened, either.
Dear Vaj, I’m still sorry. There really is no way to properly warn you RE: outgoing – human head.
Dear Pooper, Will you ever forgive me and be normal again? There was no warning for you because I DIDN’T KNOW.
Dear Life Before Baby, Sometimes I really, really miss how simple and easygoing you were.
Dear Gym and Running, I will return…once the Pooper is cleared (ha…punny). Cleared medically, I mean. And once I don’t feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, day after day.
Dear Brain, How long, exactly, until we’re functioning on at least one cylinder?
Dear Anyone Who is Pregnant, Trust me when I say that being pregnant is a cake walk compared to life post-childbirth. Sometimes you’ll wish for the day your little one was oh so conveniently packaged up inside your uterus.
Dear Anyone Considering Getting Knocked Up: It’s not as easy as it looks on TV. In fact, it’s ten bajillion times harder. Unless you have a live-in nanny. If you do, I hope they let your child color the walls, couch and carpet with Sharpies and fabric dye.
Dear Boobs, I know, right?!!!! (!!!!!!!!)