Not to try and discourage anyone from creating life because that’s obviously entirely more important and awesome than anything else a person will ever do, but just a friendly little PSA:
These things are real and if you find yourself knocked up, they will absolutely happen.
After your boobs get past the OMG. RAPID GROWTH PRON STAR QUALITY but OMG OUCH! DO NOT TOUCH phase, they will begin to leak. And sometimes, particularly after having a dream about a baby or, even better, YOUR future baby, you will wake up to a cold, wet half dollar (do they even make those anymore?) sized puddle on your shirt.
Your vaj? Always leaky. Always secreting something. The best remedy? Change your panties.
I’m a huge booger-phobe. As in – I cannot even stand my own – and pregnancy has given me the most disgusting, blood tinged boogers that make me want to gag every time I get out of the shower and blow my nose.
If you have any moles, they’re going to get bigger and there’s nothing you can do about it. Then, one day, while you’re going to shave, an inconspicuous mole that used to be flat is going to catch in your razor and you’ll scream like you’ve just been nailed in the shin by a swinging baseball bat.
NO sexy time because your husband…well, suffice it to say that once you can no longer ignore the fact that there is, absolutely, another person inside of you, you just aren’t the same “woman” anymore. Once you can feel actual body parts moving across your stomach? It’s over.
Almost from the word “PREGNANT” your brain is in a constant fog and you’ll forget you said things, forget where you put everything and need daily reminders plastered on your forehead.
And then? Your whacked out hormones, which have removed the brain to mouth filter, will have you arguing with anyone who tells you that you were wrong about anything.
Then? You’ll burst into tears when you realize they’re right.
Repeat cycle. Daily.
At some point, you’re going to get a case of the ‘roids. Hemorrhoids that is.
Uhh…the obvious: weight gain. More than likely, you’ll eventually outweigh your husband.
Stock up on toilet paper because you’re going to go through more rolls in nine months than you have in ten years. The bathroom will be your new home and when you’re out, be sure to know where the nearest one is located because when you have to go, you have to go RIGHT. NOW. There is no “holding it.”
You will be tired. All. The. Time. (except somewhere in the second trimester – hello ridiculous energy!) and those bags under your eyes? They’ll probably get bigger. And darker.
Heartburn will help you decide how much you *really* want to eat something…or not.
You’ll be reduced to sitting on puppy pads and towels on the couch and the car and the bed will crinkle every time you roll over.
Speaking of rolling over, you will wake up every single time you need to do so to remember to keep your knees locked together. There is no spreading of the pelvis unless you want to cry out in pain when it feels like a knife was just shoved up your hoo-ha.
Your hips? They’re going to get wider and they will ache for no other reason than the giant belly you’re lugging around.
Your lady garden? Butcher shop. After awhile, you’re really just guessing and hoping you don’t shave off something important.
Saggy pants and sweatshirts = BFF
Prunes and/or milk of magnesia = BFF
If you have issues burping or farting in front of people – or your husband – you may as well go ahead and get over it now because both will happen and you will have had no idea that either were coming. There is no longer a “dainty” burp option. They’re sneaky and will shock everyone, including you, with both their force and magnitude.
The new form of communication around the house will be grunting. Even if you try to avoid it, you’ll soon learn that without that extra oomph, you’re never getting up from anywhere.
You will celebrate every single time you manage to take a decent poo. You will also announce it to your husband like you’ve just own the Nobel Prize.
Walking is reduced to waddling.
(So far, I’m fortunate to not have any stretch marks (knock on wood) or out of control acne (yet), so I’m not even going to tempt fate, but both…completely possible).
At the end of the third trimester, you’ll begin to get excited about looking for a snot like substance in the toilet a la mucus plug because that means “things” are happening.
At some point, probably at 3am when you cannot sleep thanks to pregnancy insomnia, you will accept that things that only seem normal in a horror flick are about to pop out of your vaj, you are going to be spread eagle for someone other than your husband, multiple sets of strange hands will be going in and out of you all over the place, at some point, you will probably make noises that sound like a mating boar and you might just take a dump in front of a room full of people.
(been there, done that moms: feel free to add more in the comments!)