we had to stick it in the sink to dismantle the bomb that went off

Not only does he work a zillion hours a week, he’s now also chief animal throw-up and diarrhea cleaner upper, since I’m carrying the sprout and probably shouldn’t be handling “live cultures.”

And for whatever reason, it’s like all of the animals, except Chloe, have decided that NOW is the time to puke and assplode – literally – all over the house. I can’t even tell you how many times we’ve woken up to a gigantic mess in the loft or downstairs in the kitchen.

OMG. It’s like poetic justice. As I’m writing this…what happens? Lexi starts making the puking noises in the kitchen and SURE ENOUGH.

BARF.

(I’ve learned to put a kitchen towel underneath her mouth, which makes cleanup way easier)

(Regardless, it’s still absolutely disgusting)

We have no idea what the problem is (food? change of water? me being pregnant? aliens?) but since we moved out to Colorado, it’s like at least one of the animals decide to puke or expel their bowels every. single. week.

Except Chloe.

Chloe is the only one who is still in Tim’s good graces.

It really just keeps…happening. It’s like this horrid, perpetual, never-ending cycle.

This morning at 4:20, I awoke to Tim yelling from downstairs.

Apparently, THE POO had struck again.

I stumbled downstairs, still half asleep, trying to mumble something about how I could do it. Tim just ignores me, now, when I offer to help. It’s fruitless for me to even utter the words anymore – but it makes me feel less guilty.

At least I offered.

Instead, while he was firing off expletives and cleaning up Lexi’s apparent bowel issue, which spread from one end of the kitchen to the other, along with part of the family room (I’m pretty sure this intestinal upset is due to us changing their food), he was all, “ALL YOU ANIMALS ARE GOING TO LIVE ON A FARM. SOMEWHERE ELSE………..except Chloe!!!!!”

I honestly think he’s serious. I mean, the poor man is at his wits end. Just yesterday, Alegre decided to have her own assplosion that required – in addition to cleaning the carpet in the hallway – human intervention with her rear.

As in: we had to stick *it* in the sink to dismantle the bomb that went off.

We singlehandedly keep Bissell and Resolve in business.

My day has gone to crap – in the most basic sense of the word. I had big plans today to go to the gym and you know, leave the house to purchase important items like toilet paper (For serious. We’re totally out) but now? Now that Lexi has decided she has to run outside every thirty minutes?

None of that will be happening.

Sure, Lexi. I can’t wipe my own ass with more than one tiny square but as long as yours makes it outside, we’re all doing just fine.

Instead?

I’m on round the clock Poo Watch.

*sigh*

(guess I’ll be productive and super clean the house)

(because you have to have a clean house for Thanksgiving)

(it’s the rule)

(I’ll have to talk about our seven year meet-a-versary date night tomorrow. I can’t even focus on anything else other than poo at the moment)